Angels & Demons

After The Da Vinci Code inexplicably made money, Hollywood was always going to squeeze a bit more out of the Dan Brown cash cow. But there was a problem. Having already used the big – and famously nonsensical – bestseller, they had little choice but to go back to an earlier, even more incomprehensible novel.

There’s possibly not enough room on the internet to explain the full plot of this impenetrable book, but here’s a dummy’s guide. The Pope’s been murdered and the four cardinals most likely to succeed him kidnapped by a shadowy, sinister sect called the Illuminati. They are threatening to kill one cardinal each hour then blow up Vatican City at midnight. How? Simples. By using a powerful anti-matter bomb they nicked from priestly scientists who had been constructing it to help find the ‘God’ particle.

If that doesn’t make any sense to you, don’t worry – it’s because it doesn’t make any sense.

Enter expert symbologist Tom Hanks, sporting the kind of hair only ever seen on Hollywood men of a certain age. (Yes, we’re talking about you, Nicholas Cage and Sly Stallone. Indeed, Cage coiffure-watching is almost a spectator sport these days – his hairline seems to bob backwards and forwards like the tide. And, as mentioned in this website’s review of The Expendables 2, it was often hard in that film to tell when Stallone was or wasn’t wearing a black woollen beret.)

The Hankster’s barnet here is a prime example of the ‘Hollywood hair’ form. It’s dark, it’s impressively lustrous, but not really like any recognisable follicle arrangement you and I have ever come across. It’s more like a hair-hat, really. And styled in a demi-mullet, no less.

Sad to report, the problems don’t end with mere tonsorial matters. There’s a fundamental flaw at the heart of this non-movie, which is thus: Angels and Demons is a plot-heavy, labyrinthine novel – virtually a puzzle, in fact – with next to no characterisation. As such, and it’s hard to overstate this point, it’s a terrible fit for film adaptation.

Hanks' hair: an unrecognisable follicle arrangement

This sequel could easily have been called The Exposition Code. As soon as the Hankster meets his obligatory foxy Italian sidekick (Ayelet Zurer), they start busily explaining plot points to each other in a way that doesn’t remotely resemble a human conversation. And they don’t stop for the whole film.

For a deadening first hour, the pair simply rush from church to church, spouting saints’ names and other religious gobbledygook to each other. It’s literally impossible to keep track of what’s happening, and the scriptwriter was clearly as confused as anyone.

All this expository tomfoolery tips over into the absurd during a bizarre scene about half-way through. Tom (a peaceable academic, remember) enters a church to find a cardinal strung up and literally burning alive, then sees his cop friend viciously gunned down and only escapes the assassin’s bullets by diving into a scary, pitch-black cellar. Ye gods.

Finally rescued by the police, he stands in the wrecked church, bruised and battered, his dead cop friend at his feet and the smell of spit-roast cardinal heavy in the air.

So what does he do: collapse into tears? Crumple into a ball on the floor? Show the merest sign of emotion? Nope, he just says: “Right, we’re looking for a statue of a cross-eyed angel pointing westwards next to the Holy Chapel of Saint Badger…” (or something. I may paraphrase slightly) and bounds off to find the next clue.

And that’s it – no hint of upset or trauma: of anything, in fact. The truth is, there’s so little character to Hanks’ ‘character’ – and just so much plot to get through – that director Ron Howard has clearly thrown his hands up in the air and not even bothered to try.

So the whole thing is a (ahem) unholy shambles, but aerial conflagration enthusiasts are given a whiff of potential early on when Ewan MacGregor, dressed in a priestly cassock and with hands clasped in prayer, announces for no earthly reason whatsoever that he knows how to fly a helicopter.

As mentioned previously on Exploding Helicopter, our Ewan never saw a bad script he didn’t like the look of: his cinematic CV has more turkeys than a Tesco refrigerated shelf in mid-December. But even by his own high standards, this is a colossally bad choice. He plays the Vatican’s Camerlengo, a top Vatican official who, following the Pope’s murder, is actually the acting Pope.

That means, after Obi Wan Kinobi, Nick Leeson and numerous other bad choices, we finally get Pope Ewan the First. Truly, the Lord does work in mysterious ways. No wonder Benedict resigned.

But what about that grinding plot? After an arse-numbing amount of time, the action does finally reach a climax of sorts. We’re in some catacombs! They’ve found the bomb! There just happens to be a helicopter parked outside St Peter’s! Pope Ewan is a trained pilot! Surely he’s not going to take off for the high skies with the bomb and sacrifice himself in a spectacular explosion? Oh, yes!

Artistic merit

Given the chopper is already up beyond the clouds, the explosion itself takes the form of a night sky lighting up over the Vatican. The producers haven’t shirked on the tasteful CGI, and there’s something aesthetically pleasing about a ghostly light hovering over such a spiritual location. But then Pope Ewan suddenly ‘appears’ on a parachute and the whole thing turns unintentionally hilarious.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Exploding Helicopter has carefully checked the records, and there’s definitely not a previous entry under: holy man goes straight upwards in a bomb-laden chopper until it explodes, then unfeasibly drops back down on a flimsy piece of tarpaulin. That’s innovation in action, folks.

Positives

Scarcely the only entertainment to be gleaned from this mess comes from following the progression of MacGregor’s accent. In his introductory scene, he’s clearly aiming, badly, for an Irish accent, but five minutes later has fallen into the default Alec Guinness clipped English setting he uses for all non-Tartan outings.

A little later, he gets angry and it all goes a bit Trainspotting for a minute, but next thing he’s telling the Hankster ‘I was orphaned at nine years of age by a bombing in Ulster’ and suddenly it’s like the Reverend Ian Paisley has been given a five-minute cameo.

Ewan’s grandstand scene, when he appeals to all the cardinals for more understanding between religion and science, is in itself a model of inclusivity, containing as it does a rich array of accents – including, at one point, possibly Cornish.

Negatives

Given the profundity of choice on offer here, it’s perhaps best to focus in on the single greatest error – namely, that someone showed Ron Howard the script for Angels and Demons.

Favourite quote

“You’re talking about THE moment of creation…”
This fatuous line, pompously delivered by Hanks in his most sonorous tones, neatly captures all that is hammy and terrible about the movie.

Interesting fact

This movie portrays the Catholic Church as a sinister and introverted organisation beset by deadly rivalries, which will stop at nothing to hide its dirty laundry from the public. So, entirely fictional, then.

Review by: Chopper

Listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast on Angels & Demons on iTunes, Podomatic, Stitcher, or YourListen. Or hear it right now on the embedded player. 

Charlie Wilson's War

Charlie Wilson (Tom Hanks) is little known member of Congress who uses his relative obscurity to enjoy a playboy lifestyle of women, alcohol, but definitely no drugs. But in reality, he wields great influence as a member of a secret committee overseeing covert CIA operations. 

Believing Afghanistan to be the key battle ground in the Cold War, he creates an unlikely coalition of bedfellows to supply the Mujahideen with more sophisticated weaponry to fight the Russian invasion. 

In a zippy montage, the newly equipped Afghanis quickly defeat the Soviet Union. Within a few short years Communism collapses and everyone in America and Afghanistan lives happily ever after. Only, of course they don’t.  

And there’s the rub. Because this is a very peculiar film.  

The story retells the political events that shaped our recent history. Essentially how the Cold War became the War on Terror. 

Yet, this is presented as a glossy comedy as if those self-same events were about some long forgotten diplomatic incident with no real-world consequences. 

These contradictory elements are thrown into acute focus when the film shows us Wilson’s conversion to the Afghani cause. Visiting a refugee camp, he’s moved by the tales he hears of the war’s horror.  

Quite why Wilson, a man overseeing the CIA’s covert operations to prop up murderous dictators as long as they were helpful to Uncle Same, would be overcome by the humanitarian plight in front of him is never explained.  

Unfortunately, such simplicity runs throughout the film. Director Mike Nichols (The Graduate, Catch 22, The Birdcage) and scriptwriter Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing) attempt to acknowledge the context and consequences of the events their showing in a few cursory scenes tacked on the end. But it’s a case of too little, too late. 

But hey, for all this the film’s plot hinges on arming the Mujahideen with weapons to shoot down Soviet helicopters so it cannot be all bad. 

The culmination of Wilson’s efforts come when a group of Afghani’s bring down three Hind helicopters with rocket launchers. 

As the Hinds open fire on a group of civilians, the Afghanis fire off their newly acquired stinger missiles, blowing them up. We then see a further three helicopters destroyed. Two certainly look like archival footage which is incorporated into the film throughout. Whilst a third looks a combination of old news reel plus a contemporaneous footage. 

Artistic merit 

Director Nichols has made some terrific comedies and dramas, but he is at a loss with how to shoot an action sequence. The choice of shots and editing are painfully dated, with Nichols somehow making a scene with three helicopters blowing up a disappointment. 

As for the archival footage showing another three helicopters exploding, we are watching real people die. Therefore, it is not becoming for Exploding Helicopter to provide an artistic critique. 

Number of exploding helicopters 

6. 

Positives 

Philip Seymour Hoffman is predictably excellent in his supporting role. His introductory scene makes it seems like it’s going to be a histrionic performance, but it soon settles down into a low key acerbic portrayal of his character. 

Negatives 

Julia Roberts plays a wealthy Texan neo-con who wants American to intercede on the side of the Afghanis. Her performance descends into grotesque caricature and is not aided by a face nearly which appears paralysed by botox injections. 

Favourite quote 

“I told you all we had to do was shoot down the helicopters.” 

Interesting fact 

Director Mike Nichols was at one time interested in making Rambo’s First Blood but with Dustin Hoffman in the lead. Sadly, it's not documented if Nichols ever considered doing The Graduate with Sylvester Stallone. 

Review by: Jafo

Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast on Charlie Wilson's War. Listen on iTunes, Podomatic, Stitcher, YourListen, Acast or right here.