The Sentinel

Michael Douglas plays Pete Garrison, a been-there-done-that Secret Service veteran who once ‘took a bullet’ for Reagan.

He’s now tasked with protecting President Ballatine (David Rasche) from a multitude of nutcases who see the US president as the Great Satan.

Despite being, in real life, a recovering sex addict – literally hundreds of women have apparently been traumatised by the nightmarish sight of his jowly, slightly dead-eyed features grimacing at the moment of release – Douglas still insists all his films must include gratuitous rumpy scenes.

And so, naturally, his character ends up having an affair with the First Lady (Kim Basinger). Well, he is part of the President’s close protection team. Anyway, this leads to a compromised Douglas being manipulated and framed for an assassination attempt by an ex-KGB ‘mole’ within the Secret Service.

The guardian now becomes the quarry, as Douglas tries to prove his innocence by finding the rogue agent while being pursued by squinty-eyed protégé David Breckinridge (Kiefer Sutherland). To add an extra frisson to proceedings, Sutherland is letting a personal beef cloud his judgement.

What might that be, you ask? Well, I was as surprised as you’ll no doubt be to learn that, not content with dipping his wick in the White House, Shagger Mike’s been boffing Sutherland’s wife as well. Chances are he’s also slipped one to the wife of the mole trying to frame him, but sadly the film doesn’t include that plot strand.

Indeed, in what is a deeply implausible film, by far the greatest stretch of imagination is being asked to believe that Pensioner Mike – with his pot belly and legs so bony dogs would try to bury him if he wore shorts – is a human shag-magnet.

Director Clark Johnson has impeccable small screen credentials, having been at the helm on Homicide, The Shield and The Wire, but is sadly let down by a script with more holes then a slice of Emmental.

No amount of obtuse camera angles and kinetic direction can hide the confused plot (Sutherland is supposed to hate Douglas but just suddenly forgets that and becomes his best friend again), implausible behaviour (immediately after the President has been attacked by machine-gun welding maniacs, the First Lady strolls innocently into the middle of the shoot-out and is captured) and poorly fleshed-out characters (Eva Longoria’s rookie Jill Marin could have been played with equal gusto by a Topshop mannequin. But, presumably, Big Mike would still have shagged it.).

Despite passable performances by Douglas and Sutherland, the film is a major disappointment. When the mole is uncovered, the results are as thrilling as a rainy weekend in Margate. Think of it as a poor man’s The Fugitive meets an equally poverty stricken episode of 24.

Here at EHHQ we have reviewed many turkeys which have been redeemed - at least in part - by a decent helicopter explosion.  Here we’re given a double kick in the balls: an underwhelming film combined with a lacklustre chopper fireball.

So what happens? El Presidente flies to Camp David to press the flesh with foreign dignitaries, arriving stylishly in Presidential chopper - a huge VH-3D Sea King, which is excitingly named Marine One.

As it leaves Camp David, we see a panoramic shot of the helicopter in the distance. Then, without any warning or preamble, a missile snakes up from the tree line and hits it.

It appears to explode in slow motion and break into two. We don’t see anything but the briefest of close-ups and we do not see the wreckage hit the floor. The whole thing is over in a flash.

Artistic merit

This is a spectacularly poor effort with a bodged, distant, explosion rendered in disappointingly obvious CGI. The confusing preamble only serves to make the scene feel like it was stitched into the movie at the wrong point.

Exploding helicopter innovation

We’re struggling to see any in this one.  We’ve seen Marine One destroyed before in Independence Day. I think we’ll consider this particular explosion an ‘unnovation’.

Do passengers survive?

We don’t know for sure, but seeing as no major characters were onboard, no doubt everyone died a fiery and unpleasant death.

Positives

Without doubt, Michael Douglas has the finest head of hair in the Secret Service. Period.

Negatives

It feels as if a key scene was cut out in the build-up to the downing of Marine One. Perhaps it was a misguided attempt to make explosion have more of an impact on the audience. Unfortunately, the lack of exposition only adds to the general confusion and half-arsed nature of the story.

Favourite quote

David Breckinridge: “Pete Garrison was my best friend. Until he slept with my wife.”

Interesting fact

Apparently George Nolfi’s script had done the rounds in Hollywood for quite some time before being green lit and distributed in 2006. This might go some way to explaining the use of Russian baddies. Sooooooo 80’s.

Review by: Neon Messiah

SWAT

SWAT is a Meccano movie. Functional, bolted together, and with all the joins and moving parts clearly visible.

Surprise! The disgruntled SWAT team member who’s fired at the beginning of the film is the man who Colin Farrell - our SWAT team hero - must go up against in the film’s finale.

Surprise! Samuel L Jackson is a kick-ass SWAT team commander who whips his team of newly recruited bucks (Farrell, LL Cool J and Michelle Rodriguez) into shape.

Surprise! Their boss is a ‘pencil-pushing punk’ who’s going to have Jackson’s badge and ‘hand him his ass’ if he messes up.

And surprise! The SWAT team member who mentions he likes champagne is the one who sells the team out after they’re offered a huge bribe.

Like the children’s construction toy, it works and it’s effective. It’s just not very attractive to look at.

Once the film’s finished establishing its ball-achingly predictable plot strands, we get to the most interesting aspect of the film - the helicopter explosion.

The SWAT team have to move an international terrorist to a federal prison. Unfortunately, the dastardly villain has offered a $100m prize to anyone who can free him from captivity.

Farrell and his SWAT team buddies are set to helicopter their captive to the prison from the roof of the police station. However, Farrell’s former partner-cum-nemesis has got hold of a long-range sniper rifle and shoots outs the engine on the chopper.

Unable to control the helicopter, the pilot takes the chopper down for a crash landing on the street. Only it’s too hard and heavy and the helicopter explodes on impact.

Artistic merit

In a film which religiously conforms to cop movie stereotypes, it’s good to see they didn’t try to get clever by excluding the helicopter explosion.

While it’s fairly routine, there are some nice touches. For instance, as the helicopter begins the crash landing, it clips the top of the police station, which causes one of the rear tail rotors to sheer off and embed itself in a wall - narrowly missing the SWAT team.

We also get to see some of the main rotor blades spin off after the chopper crashes in the street.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Er, that’s a negative.

Positives

At the beginning of the film Farrell splits with his girlfriend. We never see her again, but there’s a curious throwaway line about her in a later scene. That, combined with the go-nowhere flirting with Michelle Rodriguez, makes me suspect a romance sub-plot was filmed but subsequently cut.

Frankly, there’s nothing I hate more than a tacked-on, romantic sub-plot. Directors take note.

Negatives

Oliver Martinez, who plays villain Alex Montel, has to be one of the dumbest criminal masterminds in cinema.

His attempt to slip quietly into the US come immediately unstuck when he tries to slip a penknife through customs.

Staggeringly, despite being filmed after 9/11, the immigration officials let him off with a warning and allow him to enter the country.

His next idiotic blunder is to kill his uncle in a restaurant full of bystanders, before taking his dead relative’s car. Martinez manages to drive two blocks before he’s stopped by a policeman who arrests him for driving the car without the proper paperwork.
“I borrowed it from my uncle,” pleads Martinez.
“We’ll just need to confirm that with him, sir.”
Doh!

Favourite quote

“What, no roll, Hondo?”
“They only roll in John Woo movies, not real life.”

Interesting fact

The litany of directorial talent that turned out to be ‘busy on other projects’, tells you a lot about the quality of this film. Zack Snyder, Michael Bay, John Woo, Joel Schumacher, Rob Cohen and Antoine Fuqua all passed on helming duties. Clark Johnson was eventually signed, having previously only directed in TV.

Review by: Jafo

Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on SWAT. Find it on iTunes, YourListen, Acast, Stitcher or Podomatic.