Diamonds Are Forever

Is this the worst James Bond film ever? It's hard to say. Especially as there’s been considerable competition for that title down the years. But one thing’s for certain, this is a decidedly shoddy effort.

Normally, Britain's most famous spy to performs his acts of heroic espionage against a backdrop of glamorous, globe-spanning locations. However, Diamonds Are Forever (1971) takes place, almost exclusively, amidst the sterile environs of Las Vegas. 

Along the way, the viewer is left unshaken and unstirred by scenes set in a funeral parlour and at a petrol station forecourt. As for the 'big' finale, this is staged on a visibly rusting oil rig. So much for 007's license to thrill. 

Looking at the drab settings, you start to wonder if the producers didn't have much money to work with. Which, as it turns out, they didn't.

With George Lazenby hanging up his Walther PPK, Sean Connery was lured back with a whopping cheque for $1.2m. A then unheard of sum for a film, Big Tam's inflated fee was 20 per cent of the film's entire budget. No wonder there was no money for location filming or special effects work (more on that later).

Little expense also seems to have been expended on the decidedly pedestrian story. Until the finale, events unfold with little urgency. And for the most part the plot has all the scope of a private eye novel.

Still, the film is not without elements to enjoy. Charles Gray puts a great turn in as Blofeld, effortlessly oozing urbane charm with his wonderfully expressive voice. 

Also fun are the deliciously camp henchmen, Mr Wint and Mr Kidd. Their wonderfully droll double act, filled with sly menace and sarcastic eye-browed arched one-liners, provides an interesting counterpoint to Bond's typically macho posturing. 

And it's to them that we owe the film’s first helicopter explosion. They double-cross a diamond smuggler by placing an explosive inside the suitcase of cash he's come to collect. As he flies off in a helicopter, the hidden explosive detonates blowing-up the whirlybird. 

But that's not the end of the chopper fireball action. During the oil rig finale a squadron of helicopters are flown in to attack the villain's lair. The oil rig’s defences try to hold off the attack and machine guns manage to shoot down two of the attacking copters.



Artistic merit

Diabolical. The film's budget issues are all too apparent in these scenes. Previous Bond entries (You Only Live Twice, From Russia With Love) had successfully and authentically blown up helicopters using clever model work. Here the helicopters just disappear behind orange special effects blobs. 

Exploding helicopter innovation

There’s no innovation on offer in this film. If anything Diamonds Are Forever seems to be trying to take the art of exploding helicopters backwards.

Number of exploding helicopters

Three.

Positives

I love the guy who sits passively in the control room on Blofeld’s oil rig intoning the audible countdown in a thick, deadpan, German accent: “Zyx min-eeets und koun-ting!”

Negatives

Connery’s bloated pay check estimated to be around 20% of the film‘s budget. Would the helicopter explosions have looked to shoddy if they handed over so much cash?

Interesting fact

The James Bond franchise could have looked very different as the potential casting for Diamonds Are Forever shows.

George Lazenby was offered the film, but declined as he was didn’t want to sign a lengthy contract to appear in further sequels.

The producers then tried to get Michael Gambon who declined on the basis of ill health. Batman Adam West also turned down the role because he felt Bond should be played by an Englishman. American TV actor John Gavin was then signed to the role. But Gavin subsequently had his contract paid in full after the record breaking deal with Connery was struck.

Review by: Jafo

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

It’d be easy to hate this film. Existing solely to help sell children’s toys, it is the most cynical of marketing ploys. But, if you put aside your objections to this crass commercialism, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is actually an enjoyable film.  

The plot sees Channing Tatum, and the rest of his GI Joe team, try to stop new nanotechnology weapons falling into the hands of a global terrorist group called Cobra.  

While the dialogue is horrendous and the characters as flimsy as the toys that inspired them, the viewer does get to enjoy regular dollops of glossy action told within a clearly delineated good vs evil story. You could complain about the simplicity, but Star Wars is one of the beloved films ever made and its plot is similarly straightforward.  

All of this, though, tells us nothing about the exploding helicopters. The film opens with Cobra stealing the super-weapon. Tatum and his men are transporting it when they come under attack by Cobra’s forces.  

A futuristic shuttle craft fires a sound-wave weapon on one of the helicopters guarding the convoy. It squashes the front of the chopper and forces the rotor blades off before the fuselage bursts into flame.  

The second helicopter attempts to continue the fight, but its weapons are useless against the enemy. The Cobra craft fires another round of its odd weapon. The helicopter pilot has just enough time to say, “Oh my god” before his aircraft is destroyed.  

Artistic merit 

You can’t beat a good “What the….” moment when someone realises they’re about to die and this film serves up a doozy.  

Exploding helicopter innovation 

Is this the first known destruction of a helicopter using a sonic-gun? Certainly, the crumpling of the front of the helicopter is a *ahem* wrinkle we’ve not seen before. 

Number of exploding helicopters 

Two 

Positives 

The film finds a decent role for Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje who played the fearsome Simon Adebisi in gritty prison drama, Oz.  

Negatives 

The script. It really is an atrocity. 

Favourite quote 

“You’ve really tossed the caber out the park with that one.” 

This bonkers line is uttered by Christoper Eccleston who plays the villain McCullen. Presumably, the original line was something like “Hit that out the park.” I’d like to hear more common idioms given Scottish makeovers. 

Interesting fact 

Apparently, Channing Tatum was initially not keen on taking the role in GI Joe because he didn’t want to glamorise war. Fortunately for the makers of the film he had no moral objections to shamelessly glamorising children’s toys. 

Review by: Jafo

Black Hawk Down

Black Hawk Down depicts events which shaped American foreign policy for a decade. Not that you’d know it from this film. 

First, a quick recap. In 1993, US soldiers bungled a mission to capture militants attempting to overthrow the government of Somalia. The ensuing debacle left 19 American soldiers and unknown number of Somali civilians dead. 

Beyond the human casualties, the pictures of dead US soldiers being dragged through the streets turned the American public against intervening in foreign wars. The humanitarian consequences of this would be keenly felt in Rwanda and the Balkans.  

All which suggests that Black Hawk Down (2001) had the potential for being an interesting film. One with significant political heft. Unfortunately, someone asked Jerry Bruckheimer to produce it. 

With the ‘King of High Concept’ at the controls any thought that the film might provide a political or historical critique is swiftly abandoned. Instead we get a straight-out shoot ‘em-up. A loud ‘Huah!’ is as close as the film comes to making an intellectual statement. 

Still, as an action-fest, Black Hawk Down is a marvellously effective piece of cinema. Ridley Scott, a man whose made a career out of glossy but shallow entertainments, portrays conflict in an impressively gruesome and visceral way. The violence is brutal, sudden, unpredictable, and confused. If this is what combat like, watching this film is as close as Exploding Helicopter ever hopes to come to it.  

Complementing the visual thrills is the excellent cast. The depth of talent is a wonder to behold. Amongst stiff competition, Tom Sizemore emerges as the MVP. As a hard-ass Lieutenant he swaggers through the film in a manner reminiscent of Robert Duvall’s napalm snorting Kilgore in Apocalypse Now.   

Also faultless is the amount of helicopter action. Indeed, helicopters are central to the film - the title is a reference to the mission’s turning point. But in the first half of the film, it looks as if chopper conflagration fans are to be disappointed.  

Two Black Hawk helicopters are shot down, but neither explode. However, with members of the crew still alive, US soldiers attempt to rescue their stricken comrades. 

After fighting their way to one of the crash sites they find, there’s no one left to save. So, to stop the aircraft providing anything of value to the enemy, they plant a charge inside the wreckage blowing it up. 

The second helicopter explosion is altogether more satisfying. After freeing a trapped crew member, a soldier uses a grenade to blow-up the chopper which explodes with a rich, amber-orange fireball. 

Artistic merit 

Given the film features innumerable explosions it’s disappointing that the destruction of the first helicopter is fluffed.  

Exploding helicopter innovation 

It’s unusual to see an already wrecked helicopter explode, however, you can see examples in Courage Under Fire and X Men Origins: Wolverine.  

Number of exploding helicopters 

Two wrecked helicopters are destroyed. 

Positives 

As befits a film entitled Black Hawk Down there’s a juicy helicopter crash scene to enjoy. After the whirlybird’s tail rotor is damaged, the pilot desperately tries to maintain control of the stricken aircraft. The scene is sound-tracked by ‘mayday’ calls and angry bleeping warning alarms. 

Negatives 

Ewan McGregor plays Grimes a desk jockey who’s pressed into frontline service by the crisis. Exploding Helicopter has never been convinced that the Trainspotting star can act, so it’s little surprise that our Ewan’s extraordinary attempt at an American accent only serves to make him sound more Scottish. 

Favourite quote 

“We got a Black Hawk down, we got a Black Hawk down.” 

Interesting fact 

Eric Bana’s part was originally offered to Russell Crowe. However, he was unable to do the film and lobbied for Bana to get the part. 

Review by: Jafo

You Only Live Twice

As a kid, I used to watch the James Bond films over-and-over again. My dad had taped them off TV, and during the long summer holidays I’d work my way through the series, then go back to the beginning and start again. 

So, having engrained these films into memory I’ve very rarely felt the need to revisit them. That’s why, before this viewing, it must be around 25-years since I’ve seen You Only Live Twice.  

The experience was very strange. The film was exactly as I remember, yet simultaneously different. What my younger self had overlooked was the off-the-charts level of sexism and smut.  

“Why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?” asks Sean Connery in the film’s opening line of dialogue, setting the tone for the relentless innuendo that’s about to follow.  

The other point which jumped out at me was the ridiculousness of Connery’s Japanese conversion. It’s the least convincing Japanese fake I’ve seen since I bought a Matsui TV.  

As was then usual, the great John Barry provides the score. And if you ask for my two pence’s worth on the subject, the music is among his best work. The Nancy Sinatra-sung theme tune is also a cracker.  

The plot, though, is pretty loose. In fact, during scene where Bond gets married and trains as a ninja for no discernible reason, it completely halts. It’s as if the scriptwriters went outside for a cigarette and told everyone to carry on without them for 20 minutes. 

So, let’s wrap up these random jottings with the some exploding helicopter talk. Bond must find Blofeld’s base, so Q introduces our hero to Little Nellie - a heavily-armed, flat-pack helicopter. 

007’s reconnoitre appears attracts the attention of four Spectre helicopters. Fortunately, in an earlier scene, Q had handily briefed Bond and the audience on the different weapons Little Nellie has. 

Bond uses the flame thrower to despatch the first helicopter, before manoeuvring above his next victim. Now it’s time for the aerial mines which float gently down on little parachutes to blow up the helicopter and its bemused pilot. 

Bond continues to make short work of Spectre’s chopper squadron by blowing-up the next with his rockets, before completing the full house by destroying the final foe air-to-air heat-seeking missiles. 

Artistic merit 

Top notch, especially as you don’t often get to see an aerial dogfight played out between helicopters. And Little Nellie’s range of weaponry means we get to enjoy diverse methods of destruction.  

Exploding helicopter innovation 

First known use of a do-it-yourself helicopter. And aerial mines. I’ve never seen them before or since. 

Number of exploding helicopters 

Four. Which ranks it highly in the list of films with multiple exploding helicopter, alongside Broken Arrow, Rambo III, and Independence Day. 

Positives 

Helicopter fans get a nice treat during a car chase earlier in the film. Agent Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi) calls up a big Chinook helicopter equipped with a huge magnet to scoop up the villains car before dumping it into the ocean. 

Negatives 

Even by Bond’s standards the speed with which he moves in on his new Japanese wife after the murder of Aki is rather unseemly. Christ man, she still warm in her grave! 

Favourite quote 

“Little Nellie got a hot reception. Four big shots made improper advances towards her, but she defended her honour with great success.” 

Interesting fact 

You Only Live Twice is the only Bond film where 007 does not drive a car. 

Review by: Jafo

Still want more? Then listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on You Only Live Twice. Listen via iTunes, Acast, Sticher, Spotify or right here.

Half Past Dead

Of the actors from the classic era of action films – the 80s – Steven Seagal is for me the most interesting.

Seagal made his name with a series of classic films: Out For Justice, Hard To Kill, Above The Law, Marked For Death.

Then he tried to use his fame to save the planet by highlighting environmental issues in his films (On Deadly Ground, Fire Down Below). And promote his spiritual beliefs by regular championing Buddhism (The Glimmer Man, Out For A Kill).

Sadly the public didn’t want to hear these messages. Or at least not from Steven Seagal through the medium of action cinema. Now, for many, Seagal is just that stony-faced fat guy who’s in a lot of incredibly bad films that always seem to be on TV.

All this is a roundabout way of getting to Half Past Dead (2002). For those of us who care about Seagal, the film marks a turning point in his career. How the lean, mean aikido machine became the chunky, pony-tailed parody of his former glory.

Excluding his cameo in Machete, this was Seagal’s last US theatrical release. Big Steve’s ‘message movies’ had caused a mid-career wobble temporarily salvaged by the unexpected success of the message free Exit Wounds. With his career on life support Steve followed up with Half Past Dead. It flat-lined at the box office, and Seagal was consigned to the world of DTV.

Seagal plays an undercover cop who nearly dies - hence the title - during the arrest of car thief Ja Rule. Still undercover Seagal and Ja Rule wash up at in the same prison just as a criminal gang led by Morris Chestnut break into the prison. They’re out to get a death row inmate Richard Bremmer, who’s about to be executed, to reveal where he’s stashed millions of dollars of gold bullion.

Ja Rule is cast here as the comedy sidekick. This is a period in Seagal’s career when it was compulsory for old totem face Seagal to be paired with a comedic foil. They are always a sign of decline. It's why no-one likes Scrappy Doo.

There’s a painful scene where Ja Rule attempts to teach Steve how to talk street. Seagal has the good sense here to look embarrassed and pretend he can’t master the patter. Sadly, it was evidence of only a brief flickering of good judgement. In a few films time Seagal was regularly humiliating himself by adopting a bemusing jive talking patois, a language spoken exclusively by him.

The fight scenes in Half Past Dead also display traits we’re to become very familiar with in later Seagal efforts. There’s a paucity of kicks with a heavy focus on close hand-to-hand fighting. There’s a ridiculous fight where Seagal and the main villain swing about on chains. It’s like something out of the TV series Gladiators.

Embarrassingly Steve doesn’t even have the best fight in the film. This falls to Ja Rule who dukes it out with a flashy female bad-ass played by Nia Peeples. It’s far from classic stuff, but it’s still the standout.

I also need to mention the soundtrack. It’s clearly not enough that they’ve paired Seagal with Ja Rule (the Dogg Pound’s Kurupt also stars) they slap hip hop tunes all over the film.  Or at least they do in the first half. As confusingly in the second most of the action is sound tracked by nu-metal which was all the rage back then.

It’s like the producers are desperately targeting these different youth demographics they keep reading about in magazines. All it does is make Seagal look every one of his 50 years and paunchy inches.

Now, Charles Bronson managed to keep grinding out action films into his 70s. He did it by unswervingly sticking to what he did best. He didn’t do it by latching onto punk, new wave and acid house.

OK, so we need to talk helicopters and there’s plenty here for us to get stuck into. Director Don Michael Paul (never trust a man with three first names) throws us a bit of a fake early in the film. The villains plan to escape the prison by helicopter. However, a storm causes the chopper to crash into a guard tower and then through the roof of the prison, where it hangs dangerously above the prisoners heads.

Later, Seagal and Ja Rule use the guns aboard the helicopter in a fire-fight with the villains. A rocket launcher is fired at them, but incredibly Ja Rule manages to shoot the missile before it hits the chopper. The copter then plummets from it’s precarious perch into the ground, where it catches fire but doesn’t explode.

So far so disappointing. But Don Michael Paul is saving himself for the finale. Having blackmailed a helicopter out of the FBI, Morris Chestnut flies away of the prison with Richard Bremmer and a female hostage (Linda Thorson) - pursued by Seagal aboard another chopper.

Chestnut throws Thorson out the chopper to stop the pursuit, but Seagal suicidally dives after her. Only, surprise, he’s got a parachute on and he’s able to save her. Meanwhile, Richard Bremmer rips open his shirt to reveal he’s wired up with explosives. He then blows himself, the villains and the helicopter up.



Artistic merit

Don Michael Paul doesn’t fluff this. Richard Bremmer winks cheekily at Morris Chestnut after he’s signals his intent to blow himself and the chopper up. There’s a warm glow of anticipation as we await the inevitable explosion.

When it comes, it does not disappoint. A nice, dirty, orange fireball erupts and wreckage is thrown out towards the camera engulfing the screen.

Seagal’s sky dive pursuit of the hostage is a delightful little extra. But let’s not forget we’ve seen that sort of thing in a lot of other films (Eraser, Live And Let Die, Point Break amongst others).

Exploding helicopter innovation

We’ve reviewed over 50 films at Exploding Helicopter and this amazingly is the first one we’ve seen where suicide is the method of destruction. I can’t believe it’s really the first, but for the time being it holds that honour.

Do passengers survive?

Yes. Linda Thorson's character survives only by dint of being thrown out of the helicopter and subsequently saved by the skydiving Steven Seagal.

Positives

Yes, with her tight leather cat suit and stylised make-up she’s a walking wet dream cliché for movie fan boys but Nia Peeples is still the best thing in this film.

Negatives

Perennial jobbing actor Tony Plana plays the prison warden with pantomime theatricality. To show how 'street' he is, he utters every third line in Spanish. Maybe he just thinks he’s in Mexico?

Favourite quote

“Yeah I was dead. Now I’m back.”

Interesting fact

The film reuses a skydiving sequence from Navy Seals and unused shots of Alcatraz prison from The Rock.

There’s also some random casting in Half Past Dead. Former Pebble Mill presenter Ross King has a tiny role as a FBI officer. Sixties icon Linda Thorson (The Avengers) appears as a judge, and bizarrely Murder She Wrote and A-Team creator Stephen J. Cannell also appears.

The films spawned a little known sequel Half Past Dead 2. Kurupt returns in the lead role, and Tony Plana cameo. It speaks volumes that neither Steven Seagal or, for that matter, Stephen J Cannell returned.

Review by: Jafo

Transformers

Those of you of a certain age will remember fondly wiling away the school holidays watching Timmy Mallett physically abuse minors on the garish Wacaday.

The piece-de-la-resistance was the Transformers cartoon at the end of the programme that introduced a generation of kids to some overpriced but rather ingenious toys.

Keen to cash in…*ahem*...educate a new generation, the franchise was “rebooted” in 2007 with a big-budget movie tie-in helmed by director Michael Bay. 

The “story”, if we can call it that, involves the Autobots fighting the Decepticons for possession of the Allspark, a sort of all-powerful Rubik's cube that could be used to conquer the universe. Such are the wild leaps of logic, pedestrian dialogue and retina burning action the story is purely incidental as your I.Q. would have left the building within the first 30 minutes.

Shia LaBeouf plays an innocent dweeb who inadvertently gets caught up in robo-mess.  He struggles valiantly to wangle a few laughs from the lumpen script whilst wooing the delectable Megan Fox , but despite his game efforts he's quickly engulfed by an all-consuming tide of dreck. Quite why two acting veterans of the calibre of Jon Voight and John Turturro are anywhere near this mess, is unclear. Perhaps they have large alimony payments to make. 

Despite being a stinking turd of a movie Exploding Helicopter was left clinging to the hope that a few helicopter explosions would justify the film's bloated two and half hour runtime. Sadly, we were mistaken. Despite over half a dozen helicopter sightings, including a sexy looking Decepticon attack helicopter named “Blackout”, only one gets engulfed in flames.

Leader of the Decepticons, Megatron climbs an LA building in order to retrieve the Allspark from Labeouf. An army chopper hovers at roof level and just as he is about to hand the cube over to the authorities, Megatron launches a couple of heat seeking missiles that slam into the copter and send it spinning out of control. It plummets out of shot engulfed in flames.



Artistic merit

To give Bay credit, Transformers will surely appeal to its target demographic: pubescent boys. In fact Bay has done a remarkable job at visualising the mind of your average 12yr old; a hyperactive, incoherent mess of toys, cars and confusing sexual urges.

Bay had plenty of opportunities to give us a proper chopper fireball yet he drops the ball. There is absolutely no excuse for a downed helicopter not to be shown in its fully exploded glory. Perhaps Bay was combing his fabulous hair. Very, very poor.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Robot shoots down helicopter with missile. Sure it has been done before. Bay hasn’t even got the imagination to do that right.

Number of exploding helicopters

1 (just).

Do passengers survive?

Doubtful, but as we don’t get the pleasure of seeing the copter slam into the floor we will never know for sure.

Positives

The exploding helicopter occurs during the final part of the movie alerting you to the fact that the film is nearly over and you can go and do something more worthwhile with your life such as alphabetising your spice rack.

Negatives

To quote our friend Robert Davi in Die Hard, Michael Bay usually likes “helicopters up the ass”. Such is his penchant for moody shots of choppers riding into and out of the sunset you would bet your house on a top notch explosion.

What we get is an inexcusable abomination.  Also how does a helicopter survive a multiple missile impact without blowing up immediately?

Favourite quote

Jazz: "What's crackin' little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it!"
Sam Witwicky: "How did he learn to talk like that?"
Optimus Prime: "We've learned Earth's languages through the world-wide web."

Interesting fact

In the cartoon Megatron used to transform into a Walther P38 pistol that his henchman would be able to pick up and shoot but in the film he inexplicably turns into a plane. More liberties taken but at least they get to sell a bit more merchandise right?

Review by: Neon Messiah

The Spy Who Loved Me

If you had to pick one expression to sum up Sir Roger Moore’s time as James Bond then it’d be ‘from the sublime to the ridiculous. And no film in Moore’s 007 tenure embodies this more than The Spy Who Loved Me (1977).  

The opening scene, where 007 skis down a mountain pursued by Russian spies, is quintessential Bond. The action choreography is excellent, the location stunning, and it all ends with the legendary cliff jump stunt and an unfurling Union Jack parachute. (What the seventies disco soundtrack adds is not clear, but never mind.)

The trouble is, the scene is bookended by end-of-the-pier inspired smut, terrible gadgets (a label printing digital watch) and some awful wardrobe choices (with his day-glo yellow ski-suit Moore looks uncannily like Bob the Builder).   

While Die Another Day, with its invisible cars, kite-surfing hero, and face-changing villains, is commonly thought to be the most ludicrous Bond outing, they should perhaps take another look at TSWLM.  

Lest we forget, the film’s super-villain is plotting to destroy the world so he can live at the bottom of the ocean. Bond is only able to avert disaster through use of an underwater car and hanky-panky with a Russian spy codenamed Triple XXX (ooh, err missus!). Preposterous barely covers it.

Exploding helicopter action 

Still, we have a unique and well-executed rotor-related combustion to enjoy. Stromberg, the villain, orders Bond and Triple XXX to be killed. They flee in a Lotus Esprit pursued by a motorbike with a detachable exploding sidecar. After our heroes despatch these henchman the chase is taken up by a shiny chopper piloted by Caroline Munro (Phwoar!).

At one point, she flies alongside Bond’s Lotus which gives Moore the opportunity to raise an eyebrow. Suddenly, the road runs out so Bond drives straight off a jetty into the sea. At this point, the Lotus Esprit turns into a mini-submarine.

TSWLM scores well here, I must say. With the delicious Munro hovering above the sea in a low-cut dress looking for the Lotus Esprit, Moore decides it’s “time to get rid of an uninvited guest”.

Activating the car’s weapons system, he fires a rocket out of the underwater Lotus and turns poor old Munro into a fireball.

Artistic merit

The explosion is meaty and the director resists the temptation to have the chopper turn into a million pieces. Instead, there’s a decent fireball, and lots of smoke before it disappears from view.  

Exploding helicopter innovation 

Well, destroyed by an underwater car. What more can I say?

No. of exploding helicopters

Two.

Earlier in the film Stromberg establishes his megalomaniac credentials by bumping off a couple of businessmen.  

They board their helicopter to fly away from Stromberg's lair, unfortunately he’s planted an explosive in their chopper. It all seems unnecessarily elaborate. Then again, I guess you don't want to over feed a shark.

Interesting fact

The end credits state that James Bond will return in ‘For Your Eyes Only’. While he did ultimately return in this film, Bond’s next adventure was ‘Moonraker’ which was rushed out to capitalise on the popularity of ‘Star Wars’. Oh dear. 

Review by: Jindy

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