Derailed

If you ever want to understand how an action star’s lustre has dimmed, just count the number of euro thrillers on their CV.

Around the turn of the millennium, an entire generation of Eighties action heroes were deported en masse to Eastern Europe. Unable to trouble the American box office, they were first forced into direct to video exile, and then condemned to ply their trade in Europe’s far flung corners - where cheaper production costs made it possible to eke out a living while dignity quietly evaporated.

Derailed (2002) marks Jean Claude Van Damme’s first foray into this twilight existence - a title, which, with the benefit of hindsight, doubles as an eerily accurate description of his career at this point. 

Filmed in Bulgaria but set in Slovakia (naturally), Van Damme plays Jack Christoff, an intelligence agent tasked with escorting a spy (Laura Harring) carrying a biological weapon across the border.

With airports under surveillance, our heroes opt to “let the train take the strain”. Unfortunately, sharing the journey are a group of terrorists eager to steal the bio weapon, and Van Damme’s own family, who choose this exact moment - through astonishingly ill timed spontaneity - to surprise Daddy.

It’s a promising enough setup. In fact, it’s so promising that we’d already seen it done rather better in Under Siege 2. Still, originality aside, with a half decent script and cast, Derailed could have been a perfectly serviceable action film.

Instead, it displays all the defining traits of the euro thriller: poor direction, a leaden script, and a supporting cast seemingly assembled from the contents of a provincial drama school’s lost and found. Any one of these might have sunk the film. Derailed manages the impressive feat of having all three.

Another familiar irritation is the writers’ bizarre grasp of European geopolitics. In their universe, European nations appear to have abandoned national government entirely, outsourcing all decision making to international bodies.

“Get me NATO command!” someone barks, in a truly risible moment of faux urgency. Later, another character breathlessly insists, “We need to call the World Health Organisation… now!”

The writers seem blissfully unaware that Europe is made up of individual countries with their own governments - though, to be fair, Van Damme’s native Belgium once went nearly two years without one. Still, most nations don’t immediately ring NATO every time a problem arises on a train.

While the scriptwriters are happy to take wild political liberties, they’re far less adventurous when it comes to DTV action conventions - and so, dutifully, a helicopter explosion is included.

The terrorists’ escape plan involves being airlifted from the moving train by helicopter. As their leader attempts to shimmy up a rope ladder dangling from the chopper, Van Damme intervenes by securing the ladder to the train, preventing the helicopter from gaining altitude.

A tunnel looms. The pilot wrestles desperately with the controls, but it’s no use. The helicopter smashes into the rocky outcrop at tunnel height, with the inevitable fiery consequences.

Artistic merit

This report card reads: could have tried harder.

Through a bit of crafty editing, we never actually see the helicopter explode - presumably because that would have cost money. Instead, we’re treated to an underwhelming fireball, heavy on whites and yellows, and sorely lacking the oily reds and oranges we crave.

In a moment of artistic licence, the director showers Van Damme - still clinging to the train roof - with falling wreckage from the explosion. If you stop to consider the physics of this (and trust me, I have), it makes absolutely no sense.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Tying a helicopter down to prevent take off is a method we’ve seen before. Derailed plays almost like an action replay of Darkman, except this time it’s a train - rather than a lorry - dragging the chopper towards its tunnel wall demise.

Positives

There’s a dumbly enjoyable sequence where Van Damme rides a scramble bike along the roof of the train to evade the terrorists. It’s shoddily executed, but at least it gestures vaguely towards the kind of nonsense we’re here for.

Negatives

The entire film, which surely represents the nadir of Van Damme’s career. If he’s made a worse one, I’d genuinely like to know - if only so I can be absolutely certain to avoid it.

Favourite quote

“Terrorists, plus sickness, equals biological warfare.”

Interesting fact

Tellingly, director Bob Misiorowski never helmed another film after Derailed. However, buried within his otherwise unremarkable CV is one curious detail: a writing credit on Mrs Columbo.

This short lived and ill fated spin off committed the ultimate sacrilege of actually showing Mrs Columbo - a character famously never seen in the original series. The reaction from fans was swift and apoplectic. The show was hastily rebranded Kate Loves a Mystery, all references to Columbo were excised, and it died an unlamented death after a single series. Much like Derailed.

Review by: Jafo