Big Ass Spider

Big Ass Spider is the moving tale of a young Yiddish girl struggling with her own sexual awakening in a nineteenth century Polish village beset by stringent gender codes.

Okay, no it’s not. It’s a big dollop of crass, in-yer-face, made-for-cable, creature-feature mayhem. A film in which a vaguely convincing CGI spider performs all kinds of merry anarchy, while indulging every monster movie cliché on the list.

Our heroes, it turns out, are a cross-cultural comedy pairing. The film takes place, inevitably, in downtown Los Angeles. There’s even a King Kong-lite showdown atop a tower. And before you ask, yes, there is a scene where lots of pneumatic bikini-clad women run (and bounce) away in terror from the angry arachnid.

Exploding Helicopter won’t spend too much time explaining what happens in Big Ass Spider (2013). Anyone who has already seen one of the plethora of giant-sized creature movies (where, as a rule, the only small components are the budget and the leading men’s resumes) will already know what kind of intellectual territory we’re in.

So, the only sensible questions to ask are: can Big Ass Spider spin a diverting yarn? Will you be caught up in a densely woven web of thrills? And does the story have enough legs?

The plot

Near-future Earth has been hit by a global food crisis. We’re all doomed! Faced with global catastrophe, scientists attempt to solve the extinction-level threat by combining a sample of extra-terrestrial DNA with…a tomato. I’m sorry: a what with a what?

(Presumably, the scriptwriter was on the wacky baccy while writing this particular scene. Or he had guessed, correctly, that the demographic audience for his film wouldn’t be paying a blind bit of notice until the big, hairy spider came along.)

As it turns out, the boffins’ grand plans to create a super-salad go disastrously wrong when a spider is accidentally caught up in the experiment.

Infused with Martian genetic code, the eight-legged mutant quickly grows to a prodigious size and begins a homicidal rampage across Los Angeles.

With the web-weaving menace running amok, the fate of the city falls to two unlikely heroes: a jovial pest-exterminator and a wise-cracking hospital security guard. Their mission, as one of them pithily summarises, is to: “Stop the spider, save the city, kiss the girl.”

It’s almost as if he’s seen one of these movies before…

Who’s in this?

Greg Grunberg or a fat Ben Affleck. We're not sure.

Greg Grunberg, who looks very much like Ben Affleck’s tubby older brother – a Fat Man to his Batman, if you like – plays the bug killer ‘ordinaire’. You'll probably remember Big Greg best from his role as the powerful telepath in Heroes, where he used his mental powers to solve murders and order free burgers (or something).

A specialist in lovable everyman characters, Grunberg is perfectly cast as the ordinary Joe who unexpectedly finds his inner Superman when confronted with the big bug crisis.

He’s thrown together with Lombardo Boyar’s fast-talking Mexican security guard. With his goofy antics and an accent as broad as a burrito, Boyar veers dangerously close to racist cliché: a sort of Hispanic Jar-Jar Binks in human form.

This not-so-dynamic duo sounds as good an idea as, well, melding tomatoes with E.T. But, in the finest traditions of odd couple movies (see just about any Eighties buddy cop movie), their friction-filled relationship proves to be the film’s most entertaining aspect.

Adding a much needed touch of class to proceedings is stern-faced character actor Ray Wise (Robocop, Twin Peaks). A specialist in authoritarian roles, he’s spent the last thirty years profitably playing Sheriffs, Senators and other representatives of officialdom whilst scarcely ageing a day.

Not-so-dynamic duo Lombardo Boyar and Greg Grunberg

Unfailingly perma-tanned and with a spookily unchanging hairstyle (only Robert Redford possesses a similarly time-resistant barnet) our Ray could still pass for late forties despite the fact he’s now pushing 70.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for the Sundance Kid, whose face these days seems to be crumpling like a decaying peach. (Which reminds Exploding Helicopter of David Hockney’s priceless observation while painting the wrinkly poet, W.H. Auden: ‘I just kept thinking: if that’s his face, what must his balls look like?’)

Is this any good?

Despite the predictable plot, shaky special effects, and some decidedly questionable science, Big Ass Spider is a thoroughly likeable piece of hokum.

That’s because, like other notable monster successes such as Eight-Legged Freaks and Slither, this film knows that it’s meant to be good fun. And for the most part, it really is a hoot. There’s genuine wit in Grunberg and Boyar’s good-natured bickering, while the grisly deaths are entertainingly engineered. And overall, the genre tropes are embraced with a deft blend of humour and homage. Which is by no means as easy as it looks – just ask Snakes on a Plane.

Sure, you can pick Big Ass Spider apart. But that would make you rather like a mean-spirited kid pulling the legs off a helpless insect. This whimsical yarn isn’t doing any harm, so why be cruel? It’s only meant to be a piece of trashy fun. The best bet is to just sit back and enjoy it.

Exploding helicopter action

Don't fly too close to the.....oh too late

In a teaser for the climactic scene, the film opens with the giant arachnid atop a skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles as heavily-armed Army helicopters hover nearby.

The choppers should be in no danger. But as Exploding Helicopter has observed many times before, cinematic pilots have a curious inability to remain at a safe distance from a clearly observable threat.

Within seconds, one of the Apache-style helicopters inexplicably flies within swatting distance of the giant spider. The irritated insect smacks the aircraft with one its hairy legs, sending the whirlybird crashing into the building where it promptly explodes.

Spider: 1. Helicopters: 0.

Artistic merit

The helicopter and its explosion are rendered in fairly decent CGI. The scene is shot from below, which allows the flaming wreckage to fall towards the camera – always a nice touch.

Exploding helicopter innovation

This blog has seen helicopters destroyed by all sorts of weird and not-so-wonderful creatures – piranhas, crocodiles, bees and even, most bizarrely, flamingos. But this is the first recorded example of a helicopter being destroyed by a spider – mutant or otherwise.

Favourite line

Fittingly, given the title of the film, the titular arachnid is ultimately destroyed by our heroes firing a bazooka up its backside.

This allows for the apt payoff line: “Up yours.”

Trivia fact

The movie's DVD cover blurb – which describes an annoying little insect bloated to massive proportions by unlikely circumstances, then raging havoc across the USA – led some to initially assume it was a Donald Trump biopic. No, it didn’t. But would anything surprise you about America at the moment?

Tagline

Ten stories high and very hungry.

Review by: Jafo

Absolute Zero

Rarely has the name of a film summed up the entertainment level of its own content.

Yup. In an unusually honest move, the producers of Absolute Zero (2005) come straight out and tell the viewer everything they need to know about their prospects of being even mildly diverted while sitting through this made-for-cable disaster movie.

Excitement? Drama? Intrigue? Staying awake even, during this derivative piece of tosh? Absolute Zero chance. Handily, the title also proves an uncanny barometer of the film’s rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.

The plot

The Earth’s magnetic poles - those pesky things again! are about to suddenly switch and plunge half the world into an ice age. (Note: Aficionados of this genre will be well aware that, in disaster movies, the magnetic poles, critical to continued life on Earth, are as dependable as a second-hand Amstrad computer).

Realising that chilly catastrophe is imminent, one lone scientist (Jeff Fahey) desperately tries to alert the world. But unfortunately the authorities do not believe his doomsday prophecies.

Can our heroic boffin change their stubborn minds? Are millions of innocent people fated to perish? Is the world going to survive this looming icy disaster? Will all of the above be of absolute zero interest to the viewer? (In all probability, yes. But let's bang on regardless).

Who’s in this?

An early warning of the film’s less than august quality is the presence of Jeff Fahey. He plays Dr Kotzman, a climatologist who must warn the world that it is imperilled.

Once an actor found in decent-ish films (Silverado, The Lawnmower Man, Wyatt Earp), Fahey now works almost exclusively in the DTV and made-for-cable world. He's the guy you call when even Eric Roberts decides a script doesn't quite meet his own quality threshold. Things are that bad.

Jeff Fahey: the best thing in a bad movie

But in fairness to our Jeff, while he has become synonymous with awful movies, he is usually the best thing in them. And to his credit he does another good job here. As Christopher Lee once observed, the trick to surviving a terrible film is never to be terrible in them.

Fahey’s co-star is former Baywatch babe and Penthouse playmate, Erika Eleniak although watchers may struggle to recognise the buxom blonde with her clothes on. And that's understandable.

After all, during her Baywatch heyday, the Eleniak nellies took on much of the acting burden. Their sheer range - up and down, side to side, bursting through wet bathing suits - was phenomenal. If only she had been able to to string whole sentences together, the sky would have been the limit.

Sadly, for Exploding Helicopter there was no repeat of her cake-bursting cameo in Under Siege.

Just how cheap is this?

The film’s penury is ably demonstrated in an early scene which purports to take place in the Arctic. Location filming was clearly beyond the film’s budget. So how did the cash-strapped director create a convincing frozen wasteland?

The answer owes something to the Blue Peter school of improvisation (in which, the philosophy held, there was nothing that couldn't be constructed out of old toilet rolls and sticky back plastic). The cold Arctic tundra is magically achieved by projecting an unconvincing wintery vista on the studio wall while instant 'snow' is created by emptying the contents of a paper shredder on the floor. At least the awful script eventually proved useful.

Exploding helicopter action

Erika Eleniak: sadly no repeat of
her Under Siege 'entrance'

After a gruelling 80 minutes Exploding Helicopter finally arrived at a scene which managed to command our interest: the chopper fireball.

Our heroes are holed up in a laboratory complex to avoid the plummeting temperature. A helicopter flies in to collect the embattled survivors from the roof. But as it comes in to land, the whirlybird is buffeted by icy winds and sent crashing into the top of the office block.

Artistic merit

Exploding Helicopter is going to be blunt: this was an awful chopper fireball. The scene is shot from street-level, so the sight of the chopper’s crash is obscured by the camera angle. We don’t get to see it impact on the roof or any wreckage. All we see is a brief fireball illuminate the top of the building.

You only need two ingredients for a successful helicopter explosion: a helicopter and an explosion. Absolute Zero gives us neither. Outrageous.

Exploding helicopter innovation

You remember what we said about the title of this film describing everything in it?

Favourite line

Jeff Fahey is given a handy catchphrase to shut-down any questions about the pseudo-scientific guff he spouts throughout the film. Whenever anyone doubts the logic of what the good Doctor says his reply is majestic: “Science,” he tells us, “is never wrong.”

Review by: Jafo

Listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on Absolute Zero on iTunes, Podomatic, Stitcher or YourListen.

Lockout

“Based on an original idea by Luc Besson,” boasts the credit at the start of Lockout.

But as it turns out, the wily Froggie's only truly creative contribution to the film is the above bold (and utterly bollocks) statement.

That’s because the garlic scented filmmaker’s 'ideas' actually originated from Eighties cult classic Escape From New York. That at least was the view of a court judge after the film's director John Carpenter successfully sued for copyright infringement.

And while Besson may feel hard done by with his 80,000 Euro fine it could’ve been worse. Just imagine if he'd been caught nicking ideas from the risible and totally unnecessary sequel, Escape From LA.

The plot

As may now be clear, Lockout (2012) bares more than a passing resemblance to Carpenter’s futuristic prison movie.

Kurt Russell Guy Pearce plays a sardonic anti-hero on the wrong side of the law. Sentenced to prison, he’s offered a chance of freedom if he rescues the President President’s daughter who’s fallen into the clutches of prisoners incarcerated in a futuristic jail in New York Space. Alongside this mission, our hero must retrieve a cassette tape suitcase containing vital information.

As you can see, this probably wasn't a particularly tough day at the office for that copyright judge. The scale of rip-offery going on here would even make a cinematic magpie like Quentin Tarantino blush.

No wonder Carpenter sued. This after all is a man who’s made such burningly original works as the definitely-not-based-on-another-film The Thing and the couldn’t-be-more-different-to-Rio-Bravo Assault On Precinct 13. Did someone say, 'pot kettle and black'?

Who’s in this?

In an unlikely piece of casting, ex-Neighbours 'big gallah' Guy Pearce plays Snow - the insubordinate CIA agent tasked with rescuing the prezzer’s progeny. With his gaunt face and collar bones you could hook a coat hanger on, the skinny Aussie normally cuts an unintimidating, wraith-like presence in his films.

Pearce: a sort of thinkng man's Jason Statham

But no doubt aware of potential embarrassment, the Aussie thesp has clearly been chugging the protein shakes and punishing his twiglet-like limbs in the gym for this role. For in Lockout he’s sporting the sort of buff bod you'd spot down Bondi Beach. Exploding Helicopter certainly wouldn't dare kick sand in his face.

It's the most compelling weed-to-muscles transformation since Adrien Brody, a man who reportedly had to gain weight to play a Holocaust prisoner of war in The Piano, turned up buffed to the max (though still with a weirdly skinny face) in Predators.

As the imperilled first daughter we have Maggie Grace, an actress who seems to be making an entire career out of being held hostage (see Taken 1, 2 and 3).

And bizarrely for a film about a futuristic American prison, the prisoner’s revolt is led by two thickly-accented Scottish hooligans (Joseph Gilgun and the ‘actually not Scottish’ Vincent Regan).

It continues a curious Hollywood obsession with populating sci-fi films with actors sporting British regional accents. (One only needs to see how often Sean Bean is cast in such fare for proof: Jupiter Ascending, The Island, The Martian, Equilibrium, et al). As Ridley Scott almost put it: 'In Sheffield, no-one can hear you scream, that's a terrible accent.'

For the makers of Lockout it seems nothing can quite convey the horror of a dystopian post-industrial hell more than a Gorbals accent. Presumably they’ve been to Glasgow.

Is this any good?

In space no-one can hear..... anything other than
regional British accents

Despite the onslaught of cliches and familiarity of its plot, Lockout nonetheless a ruthlessly efficient piece of action-adventure. The whole thing rattles along at a commendable clip, Pearce amusingly quips his way through a series of bone-crunching fist fights, and the credits roll after an economic, but entertaining 90 minutes.

None of which should really be a surprise. After all, Lockout is another film from Luc Besson’s Europacorp production line. For over a decade his company have specialised in knocking-out generic, action floss with just enough of a stylish gloss to elevate them above the DTV fare they so closely resemble.

In many ways, with their commitment to producing superior but undemanding genre fare, Europacorp are the natural heirs to Cannon who patented this approach back in the Eighties.

Exploding Helicopter action

In a film crammed with familiar action tropes Exploding Helicopter was delighted to see that the director did the decent thing and squeezed in an exploding helicopter. This occurs early in the film before the action moves into space.

Pearce finds himself pursued by police after a clandestine deal he’s involved in turns sour. Making his escape on a motorbike, he’s chased by a futuristic-looking helicopter.

Our hero roars down a motorway, weaving in-and-out of traffic. Foolishly, the chopper tries to follow at low altitude. With pleasing inevitability the whirlybird clips some electricity cables which are stretched across the street.

The helicopter spins out of control and crashes into the tarmac, cartwheeling across the ground as it bursts into flame. Kaboom!

Artistic merit

It’s not bad, but it’s not exactly good either. The whole pursuit sequence is rendered in low-quality CGI making it look more like something from a computer game than a feature film.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Little to report. We’ve seen power lines and cables bring down choppers many times before, for example in The Dark Knight.

Favourite line

“Here’s an apple and here’s a gun. Oh and don’t talk to strangers.” Guy Pearce offers Maggie Grace tips on staying alive.

Tagline

Take no prisoners.

Review by: Jafo

The Beast Must Die

The horror movie is no stranger to unusual marketing gimmicks.

Back in the Sixties, B-movie shlock king William Castle pioneered the form with vibrating seats, ‘supernatural viewing’ devices and swinging skeletons that would suddenly appear above the audience.

But even the legendary shock-master himself might have blanched at the bizarre promotional ploy that rests at the centre of The Beast Must Die (1974).

In a cinematic first – and, admittedly, last – the movie features a ‘werewolf break’, a clunky device that offers the viewer an opportunity to actually take part in the movie themselves. Blimey!

The plot 

A wealthy businessman and expert hunter invites an eclectic group of well-to-do friends to his country mansion.

But as his guests prepare for an evening of convivial hospitality, the dapper host drops his bombshell: one of them is a werewolf.

Which one of them is it? We don’t know, and it soon transpires that neither does the punter throwing the whole bash – but he intends to find out. Crikey. It’s a monster mash-up of a werewolf horror movie and a whodunnit. A weredunnit, if you will.

Who the hell’s in this?

Our hero and werewolf hunter extraordinaire, Tom Newcliffe, is played by Calvin Lockhart. A stage actor of some note, he was the first black actor to perform in the Royal Shakespeare Company. We’re talking serious acting chops here.

Calvin Lockhart wondering when he might be able
to get back to acting in some Shakespeare

However, given this was the Seventies – a period not entirely synonymous with opportunity for black actors – Lockhart’s cinematic career mostly consisted of pimp roles and blaxsploitation films. Still, at least he wasn’t in Mind Your Language.

(Interesting movie nerd note: Exploding Helicopter was thrilled to learn that Lockhart played dreadlocked drug-lord King Willie in Predator 2 where he mutters the immortal line: “There’s no stoppin’ what can’t be stopped; there’s no killin’ what can’t be killed.”)

Given this is a low budget horror romp, it’s no surprise to find Peter Cushing camping it up among the dinner guests. He plays Dr Lundgren, a German werewolf expert (naturally) who delights in treating his companions to the gory details of Lycan lore.

Also round the table is the redoubtable Charles Gray. A specialist in imperious toffs and suave villains (see his turn as Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever) he’s in entertainingly sardonic form here. 

A young Michael Gambon also appears as a down-on-his-luck musician. Well, we say young, but the bloodhound-featured thesp, here only in his early thirties, already looks around two decades older and well on his way to that glorious ‘bag of spanners’ visage we know so well.

So what’s this gimmick all about? 

The Beast Must Die is not so much a ‘whodunit’, as a ‘you sodding work out whodunit’. That’s right: it’s up to the viewer to solve the mystery, by means of a mysterious cinematic device dubbed the ‘werewolf break’.

The 'werewolf break'  countdown clock

Here’s how it works. The movie opens with a title screen announcing that one of the cast is a werewolf. The viewer is also told it’ll be their job to work out who the furry villain is.

So, the film trundles along, liberally dropping clues all over the shop. Then right at the end, the action pauses and a big question mark appears on the screen. A narrator purrs: “Have you guessed who the werewolf is?” and a brief shot flashes of each character’s face. Next, a big clock appears on the screen and the viewer is told they’ll have just 30 seconds to come up with an answer.

Quite who the viewer is supposed to give their answer to, or to what purpose, is never quite made clear. Given Exploding Helicopter watched this film sat alone in his boxers in front of the telly, there was a significant lack of ‘edge’ to this pseudo-excitement. But it’s hard to imagine the experience would have been much more exciting in an actual cinema.

Exploding helicopter action 

We’re given an early whiff of possible chopper conflagration entertainment when we see Newcliffe using a helicopter as part of his werewolf hunt. After tracking the furry menace from the air, the pilot lands the whirlybird so Newcliffe can pursue the beast on foot.

The gimmick 

The wary werewolf evades his hunter and doubles back to the helicopter to attack the pilot who, in the traditional manner of horror movies, has just voluntarily left a safe environment to ‘have a look’, thus placing himself in imminent, and fatal, danger.

Our hero arrives on the scene and shoots at the loping lupine. But despite his reputation as a crack hunter Newcliffe misses both man and beast, and succeeds only in hitting the helicopter which promptly explodes into flame. D’oh!

Artistic merit 

Despite the film’s low budget, the fireball is nicely handled. A realistic-looking helicopter is set on fire and from the way it fearsomely burns, no expense was spared on the paraffin.

That said, the fuselage of the helicopter remains disappointingly intact. Exploding Helicopter always feels it adds extra drama if we see the chassis blown apart.

Exploding helicopter innovation 

Lycan-related chopper fireballs are very scarce indeed. The only other known example is the lamentable Battledogs (2013). But this helicopter explosion does have one truly unique quality.

In accordance with werewolf lore, Newcliffe is hunting the beast with a gun loaded with silver bullets. So when the big game hunter strafes the helicopter and it explodes, it’s the most bling chopper fireball Exploding Helicopter’s ever seen.

Interesting fact 

Robert Quarry was originally cast in the role of Tom Newcliffe. But the film’s producers, keen to cash-in on the booming Blaxploitation genre, parachuted Calvin Lockhart into the lead role and tacked on a groovy, funk-tinged, score. Despite that, there’s no danger of anyone mistaking this film for Shaft.

Favourite line

“I’m no voyeur,” claims Calvin Lockhart, having just installed cameras and listening equipment in every room throughout his mansion in order to catch the werewolf.

Tagline 

One of these eight people will turn into a werewolf. Can you guess who it is when we stop the film for the WEREWOLF BREAK? See it ... solve it ... but don't tell!

Review by: Jafo

Want more? Then listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on The Beast Must Die. Check it out on iTunes, Podomatic, Stitcher or YourListen.

American Ninja 4: The Annihilation

The term “cinematic universe” has become all the rage recently.

This rather highfalutin concept is used by moviemakers and nerdy film buffs to bundle together films and characters as a single, coherent, body of work. (Although to the cynics at Exploding Helicopter it’s just a pretentious way of saying sequel or spin-off).

But long before Marvel’s avengers assembled or the Fast teamed up with the Furious, the makers of the American Ninja series were boldly expanding the cosmos of the stealth assassin franchise.

It may have been in somewhat less celebrated circumstances. But, as we’ll explain later, the manner in which they did it was no less convoluted.

The plot

A renegade British army officer and a militant Muslim Sheik plan to blow up New York with a nuclear bomb. While they engineer their scheme the unlikely duo (who have as much in common as Woody Allen and Osama Bin Laden) hide out in a secret base in Africa surrounded by an army of highly trained ninjas.

Desperate to stop radioactive Armageddon, the US Government sends in a team of Special Forces. But when their mission is thwarted they form an unlikely alliance with a post-apocalyptic S&M biker gang (who just happen to be skulking about in the African veldt).

Will the Big Apple be reduced to a charred cinder? Can a bunch of gay bikers help our heroes? And will any element of the plot make sense? (Don’t ask me, I’m just the reviewer)

The Cinematic American Ninja-verse

While American Ninja may have started off a straight-forward franchise, it quickly become a complicated mess of recasting and returning stars.

Dudikoff inexplicably teams up with the Village People

The first two films featured Michael Dudikoff as the karate-pyjama wearing hero. But when he declined further involvement, the series was rebooted with David Bradley as the new lead (American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt). Though, it wasn’t until American Ninja 4 (1990) that things really became complicated

Despite bailing on the series, the producers were still hot for Mikey Duds and persuaded him to return to start alongside David Bradley. Unfortunately, it quickly transpired that the American Ninja-verse wasn’t big enough for Dudikoff’s ego.

Clash of the egos

Legend has it (or at least IMDB trivia) that Dudikoff only agreed to participate in AN4 if his character was portrayed, at the expense of Bradley, as the real hero of the film.

So, rather than watch our two heroes work together to save the day, Bradley is captured so that the Dude can prove his alpha male status by rescuing him. In fact the film is almost derailed by Mikey Boy’s desire to trump his co-star.

Take for instance the scene where Bradley uses super-human reflexes to catch an arrow that’s been fired at him. Not to be outdone, the ‘koff proceeds to catch the arrow between his teeth. Honestly, I don’t know why they didn’t just get their cocks out and have done with.

Verdict

Dudikoff giving it the full 'hai-ya'

By every conventional critical measure American Ninja is a mess. With a lopsided structure, an incoherent plot and warring co-stars it should be all but unwatchable. Yet, with its mismatched villains, nonsensical storylines, and bickering heroes it has a surreal anarchy that is unique.

I hesitate to call American Ninja 4 a good film. But it’s not a film you’d ever forget watching.

Exploding helicopter action

Despite so many films demonstrating their dangers, helicopters remain a curiously popular getaway vehicle amongst villains. And we’re given another illustration of that point here.

As his plan falls to pieces, the evil Sheik attempts to abscond in a chopper. As battle rages across his fortress, one of the rebels shoulders a grenade launcher and fires it at the whirlybird. Striking its target the doomed helicopter explodes in a fiery eruption. Well, the film’s not called American Ninja: Annihilation for nothing.

Artistic merit

Frankly, this was a disappointing chopper fireball. Sadly, the helicopter doesn’t really explode. Instead, an image of an explosion is cut in over the helicopter that was previously onscreen. The camera then cuts to the wreckage of a model helicopter falling to the ground. The director, no doubt conscious of the shonkiness of this sequence, wisely does not linger on this scene and hastily cuts away.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Erm, we’re stuggling with this one. Only the second known film with the word Ninja in the title to include an exploding helicopter.

Favourite line

My favourite line occurs during the rogue Sheik’s failed getaway bid. As he jumps into the chopper’s cockpit, the pilot asks, “Where too?”

The answer, showing no little knowledge of the Islamic faith, is simplicity itself. “Mecca,” comes the reply.

Interesting fact 

In a further expansion of the cinematic universe, David Bradley returned three years later for American Ninja 5 (1993) - although it’s debatable whether it should really be considered part of the series.

Having starred in entries three and four as the character Sean Davidson, observant viewers will notice that Bradley’s name in this film has mysteriously changed to Joe Kastle.

That’s because this ‘sequel’ was actually filmed as American Dragon and meant to be entirely unrelated to the Ninja series. But, just before release, wobbling producers hastily rebadged it as another American Ninja sequel on the grounds it’d be easier to market.

Review by: Jafo

Check out reviews of American Ninja 4: The Annihilation by our friends at Comeuppance Reviews and DTV Connoisseur.

Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on American Ninja 4. Listen via iTunes, Stitcher, Acast, Player FM or right here

Fortress 2: Re-entry

When Apollo 13 was launched in Cannes, one wag shouted at Tom Hanks that it was the most realistic space movie he'd ever seen. 'Absolutely no atmosphere', he said.

In much the same way, this may be the most credible 'innocent guy in prison' movie ever made. Because sitting through it feels exactly like serving a ten-year stretch for a crime you didn't commit.

In a more just world, this sequel to the barely serviceable sci-fi action flick Fortress (1992) would be locked up in solitary for crimes against entertainment. But instead - for you, dear reader - Exploding Helicopter kept its head down and did the time.

The plot

Our hero is John Brennick. He’s on the run having escaped a high-tech prison run by the evil Men-Tel Corporation (which is what happened in the first film).

Unfortunately, within minutes of the start of Fortress 2 (2000), Brennick is recaptured and sent to Men-Tel’s swanky new, even-more-top security jail.

Naturally our man resolves to escape. But breaking-out this time looks infinitely trickier. Certainly, it looks like tying together bedsheets might not work this time.

That’s because Men-Tel’s latest penitentiary is orbiting the Earth. Yup, that’s right. They’ve given it a sci-fi upgrade and stuck it [adopts booming, echo-laden voice] in space.......

The cast

Brennick is played by Christopher Lambert, beloved star of Highlander (and frankly not much else). While his cinematic oeuvre may be forgettable, the French thespian does possess a most unusual voice. His stereotypical Gallic purr is tempered by a constricted, raspy tone - as if someone were slowly throttling him. (There’s a joke here about Frogs croaking, but thankfully Exploding Helicopter is above such things).

Our Christopher is also utterly incapable of not sounding very French. You possibly saw him shouting 'Och aye, le noo!' in Highlander. And in Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan even his gorilla grunts have a pronounced Gallic flavour. Short of stringing some onions round his neck and wearing a stripy jumper, his Le Tarzan couldn't be more French.

Patrick Malahide: hammy entertainment

In the role of the cruel and villainous prison warden (aren’t they always?) is veteran TV actor Patrick Malahide. Normally found in prestigious small screen series like The Singing Detective, The Pickwick Papers or more recently Game Of Thrones, our Pat is clearly aware that these are not his finest moments before a camera.

Calculating that the only way to salvage his professional reputation is not to be caught taking this part seriously, Malahide delivers a performance of pure panto dame proportions. Cue over-the-top line-readings and theatrical eye-rolling. Shameless hamming it may be, but it does provide what little entertainment there is to be gleaned here.

Adding to the eclectic mix of stars is Seventies blaxsploitation legend Pam Grier. Given that Fortress 2 was made just three short years after her career-revitalising turn in Tarantino’s Jackie Brown, her appearance here is a reminder of how quickly the air can go out of your comeback. Just ask John Travolta. It's true: supposedly 'hot' actors can turn tepid faster than a half-filled February bath in Barnsley. It's a cruel old business.

What prison movie clichés are there?

Let’s see, is there an argument over who gets the top bunk? Yup.

Does a fight between two prisoners escalate into a mass brawl in the canteen? Affirmative.

And what about the obligatory scene where the warden warns inmates about doing their time ‘my way or the hard way’? But of course.

I could also mention the gratuitous shower scene where we watch a shapely female prisoner lather her nellies, but you knew that already.

Fortress 2's helicopter in its natural cinematic state

Exploding helicopter action

Having regurgitated ever prison movie cliche imaginable, the makers of Fortress 2 at least have the decency to include every budding pyromaniac's favourite film trope - the chopper fireball.

This happens early in the film while Lambert is being recaptured. After his hideout is discovered, croaky Christopher attempts to flee in a jeep. As a helicopter pursues him, Lambert brings out a (handily loaded and available) bazooka and shoots at the chopper.

Artistic merit

This is a nice fuselage-destroying explosion. We get to see the wreckage fall to the ground behind Lambert who does not look at the burning debris, because as we all know, heroes never bother looking back at explosions. The very idea....

Exploding helicopter innovation

Despite the general cinematic popularity of missile-bothering rotary aircraft, it is in fact unusual to see one in a prison movie.

The only other such film to include a chopper fireball is The Last Castle (2001) starring Robert Redford and his amazingly preserved head of hair (which really should have its own screen credit).

Favourite line

In order to escape, Lambert enlists the help of a small number of fellow inmates. His plan involves hacking into the prison’s communications system using a radio type device. This ends up with one of the prisoners boasting: “I can build a radio out of a milk carton and two condom wrappers.”

Sadly, as the prisoner fashions the device out of obviously more useful items, we don’t see them make good on this outlandish claim.

Interesting fact

Arnold Schwarzenegger was at one time attached to star in the original Fortress. But after the Austrian word-mangler dropped out (to make Last Action Hero of all things) the generous $60m budget was cleaved to a modest $15m.

Review by: Jafo

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The Hunt For Eagle One

…..or, to give the film a more accurate title: The Fruitless Search For Anything Vaguely Resembling Entertainment.

Yee Gods. At Exploding Helicopter we know our job will involve watching some right royal stinkers. But, even by the sorry standards of the worst works we’ve ever endured, The Hunt For Eagle One (2006) is stupefyingly dull.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a towering work of tedium; a monument of mundanity; or if you want to get really poncey, basilica of boredom. In other words, it’s not very good.

The plot

Al-Qaeda terrorists are hiding out in the Filipino Jungle plotting a chemical weapon attack, so a squad of American soldiers are sent in to assassinate them.

But when the hit squad are captured, a rescue team is sent in to complete the mission and get our boys back.

Can our heroes rescue the prisoners? Will they stop the terror plot? Or will we all just turn off the TV and go and do something less boring instead?

Will the hostages be brutally slain? Can the villains’ terror plot be stopped? Or will we turn off the TV and go and do something less boring instead?

Who the hell’s in this?

There’s a predictably low-rent cast in this straight to DVD actioner. Leading the heroic rescue team is martial arts nearly-man Mark Dacascos. Over the years, our Mark has made some good films (Drive), some cult films (the gloriously daft DNA), and a shed load of fantastically boring films. (No prizes for guessing which camp this one falls into).

Which is rather a shame, as Dacascos is a great martial artist and a decent actor to boot. Sadly, he’s never regularly married those talents to a quality film. It’s probably why lesser lights have enjoyed better careers.

Mark Dacascos: nearly man

And talking of wasted talents, the film also stars perennial B-movie presence Rutger Hauer (who briefly appears as an army General). Despite a magnetic screen presence, the blonde Dutchman has spent the last 30 years working almost exclusively in DTV dreck.

You’d have thought he could have enjoyed a profitable and prestigious career as a supporting actor in better grade Hollywood fare. Indeed, ten years ago it seemed Hauer was trying to reorient his career in this direction, with small but memorable turns in Batman Begins and Sin City.

But it proved a false dawn, as Rutger was soon back on the DTV treadmill and pimping-out his mellifluous voice for television adverts. Today, he’s probably best known as ‘the bloke what does them butter adverts’.

Just how dull is this film?

The Hunt For Eagle One was so mind-numbing that at several points in the film I contemplated self-harming to check if my nervous system was still functioning.

It’s not that nothing happens - there’s a typical quotient of gun battles and explosions - rather that a lifeless malaise infects the production.

Many a predictable plot has been enlivened by a colourful villain, inventive action or a wise-cracking hero. Here, the filmmakers eschew all that in favour of the bland or lacklustre. It all adds up to an anaemic action movie.

Exploding helicopter action

After the assassination squad are captured, the army initially tries to rescue them by sending in a couple of helicopters. Unfortunately, given that we’re only 20 minutes into a 90 minute movie we can be pretty certain this mission isn’t going to end successfully. Sure enough, the guerrillas are armed with some rocket launchers which they use to shoot down the rescue helicopters.

Artistic merit

Frankly, there’s very little merit to these chopper fireballs. The explosions are brief and the fireball effects are inserted over the top of the helicopters. Clearly they couldn’t afford to actually blow them up.

Number of exploding helicopters

Two. We get to see another crash, but it doesn't explode.

Favourite line

Exploding Helicopter loves the cod military bollocks characters spout in these kind of films. In keeping with the film’s universally bland approach, the soldiers’ mission is unexcitingly codenamed “Operation Housekeeping”.

This allows one actor to memorably declare the line: “We are go for Housekeeping.”

Which, ultimately, is good advice. Certainly your time would be more profitably and entertainingly spent doing the hoovering than watching this rubbish.

Interesting fact

A sequel, The Hunt For Eagle One: Crash Point was filmed the same year. Mercifully, after fast-forwarding through the film Exploding Helicopter, was relieved to find that it did not feature a chopper fireball sparing us the need to actually watch this ordure.

Review by: Jafo