Thursday, 26 July 2012
Avatar
James Cameron is a man who doesn't like to do things by halves. His recent penchant for leviathan movies makes early output such as The Terminator look like twee Arts Council small fry by comparison. Not content with breaking box office records with Titanic, Cameron embarked on Avatar his most ambitious project to date. A concept he'd had to keep on ice since 1994 until the technology caught up with his expansive vision.
It might be the most expensive movie ever made, clocking in at a wallet busting $280 million, but wrapped up in all that beautiful CGI lies the heart of a bog standard outsider redemption story. A very, very expensive Dances With Wolves starring lanky blue alien hippies if you will.
In the future, mankind is running out of natural resources so nasty corporations have begun mining valuable minerals from the distant planet of Pandora - a lush jungle covered planet that has a very rare and valuable material called Unobtainium (Jesus, really!?).
In order to persuade the native Na'vi that raping their planet is in their best interests, scientists try to ingratiate themselves with the locals by creating Na'vi-human hybrids called Avatars. This allows them to blend in with the population and show them that we're not really greedy bastards, whose only interest is taking advantage of their planet for financial gain.
When the locals sensibly refuse to be bullied or bribed the troops are sent in to change their minds with some good old fashioned "shock and awe". Seriously, as an allegory for the Iraq war Avatar is about a subtle as a stiletto through the ball bag.
So when the brown stuff eventually hits the fan, Cameron goes absolutely bananas on the exploding helicopter front. I'm talking record territory here. As befits the most expensive movie ever made it contains no fewer than six chopper fireballs, of all of which are obliterated in the space of five hectic minutes.
I can see why over at EHHQ there who was much discussion as to who was man enough to review this behemoth. Lucky for you dear readers, I have big enough brass cojones to deliver on a payload of this magnitude.
Towards the end of the film the massed ranks of the Marines launch an all-out assault on the Tree of Souls, the spiritual home of the Na'vi. In their way is Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic marine, who has gone rogue and thrown his lot in with the tree huggers.
He and his new buddies face a squadron of heavily armoured attack helicopters on nothing more than a bunch of emaciated pterodactyls armed only with bows and arrows. Despite these unfavourable odds they manage to achieve one of the greatest ever feats of helicopter destruction committed to film. Who needs Stinger missiles eh?
The first, sees Sully flying a huge dragon called Toruk (the Bentley of dragons) into the melee of choppers and space ships that have arrived to dispatch a six pack of whoop-ass on the natives. He grabs hold of the chopper in the dragon's talons and swings it around like a hammer thrower, launching it into a floating island where it goes up in delicious ball of flame.
The second flicks across the screen so fast you almost miss it, but gets similar rock/flame treatment at the hands of another, smaller, Ikran.
The third and fourth are destroyed by what when they are flung into each other by an Ikran. Using a similar technique, one of the Ikrans grabs another chopper and flings it into the path of the other, making it split apart and fall to the ground in a plume of flame.
Lastly Hispanic-hardass turned deserter Chacon (Michelle Rodriguez from Lost) plays cat and mouse with Colonel Quartich's (Stephen Lang) spaceship behind a huge floating island. She manages to dodge and weave wave after wave of missiles and gunfire before inevitable succumbing to the colonel's fury. The stricken chopper is finished off with a missile that sends the machine to chopper-heaven in a rich tangerine burst of flame.
Artistic merit
I remember watching this at the cinema in 3D and, for the first time in a long time (and maybe not since Cameron's other groundbreaker Terminator 2), felt truly blown away by a film's special effects.
Part way through this film, I distinctly remember realising that my mouth had been open for the last 45 minutes. That is how immersive it felt at the cinema. Yes, much of the plot is hackneyed feel-good fluff with a lot of clunky dialogue thrown in for good measure, but boy is it presented with panache.
3D movies are almost always gimmicky cash-ins designed to squeeze another £3 out of the punter whilst forcing them to do their best Buddy Holly impersonation but this one really is worth the money. The CGI blends seamlessly with the live action and you have to look very, very carefully to spot any glitches.
All the helicopter explosions are richly textured and authentically realised even though they all started life on a computer. The nine Oscars it won in 2011 including awards for Best Cinematography, Best Visual Effects and Best Art Direction show a lot of care, skill an attention was taken to realising this alternate universe
Number of helicopter explosions
Six, putting it level with Charlie Wilson's War as the film with the most helicopter explosions ever.
Exploding helicopter innovation
Take your pick. Most helicopters destroyed in a film, helicopter killed by a dragon and two helicopters destroyed simultaneously by each other.
Do passengers survive?
Even the good guys die here. Chacon is sacrificed in the name of pathos and the rest of the anonymous pilots will surely not have survived the flames and impact of falling thousands of feet into the jungle canopy. This isn't Air America.
Positives
The two performances that really caught my eye were amongst the supporting roles. Giovanni Ribisi's hilarious performance as Parker Selfridge has echoes of Paul Reiser's corporate scumbag Carter Burke in Aliens.
As is the norm with amoral corporate money men he really is only interested in the company's bottom line, no matter how many lives he has to ruin. His comic interludes inject some much needed humour in a script that does stray into cliché territory from time to time.
Sample line: "You throw a stick in the air and its gonna land on some sacred fern"
The other is Stephen Lang as Colonel Quartich a caricatured d*ck-swinging bullet-headed Marine who must be a distant cousin to Robert Duvall is Apocalypse Now such is his passion for "The Core" and his desire to blow stuff up. He is an irredeemably nasty piece of work with a nice line in military hard-arsery.
"You let me down son! So, you find yourself some local tail, and you just completely forget what team you're playin' for?"
Negatives
Whilst the movie ticks most blockbuster boxes it is overlong and there is a enough New age eco-bullshit to have even the staunchest of environmentalists regurgitating their mung beans
Favourite quote
Col. Quaritch: This low gravity'll make you soft. When you get soft Pandora'll sh*t you out dead with zero warning.
Interesting fact
On average each CGI frame of the movie, equivalent to1/24 of a second, took 47 hours to render. With a running time of 178 minutes and with 60% of the film shot using CGI you start to see why the film had such a high price tag.
Review by: Neon Messiah
Monday, 16 July 2012
Invasion USA
The Cold War. A chilling, decades-long period of history when the world lived under the twin shadows of nuclear destruction and Chuck Norris’ implausibly huge Hollywood stardom. Looking back, it’s hard to know which of these two factors marked a more terrifying sign that we were facing the end of the world.
So, in a Cold War-era action movie, what could be better than a scenario where the Soviets are hell-bent on the imminent destruction of America and the only person who can prevent Armageddon is – Chuck Norris! Writes itself, really.
Our Chuck plays Matt Hunter, a retired CIA agent who’s traded ‘wet work’, ‘dead drops’ and covert surveillance to become an alligator farmer. Apparently, the skills are very transferable.
Seemingly content with his business supplying gator skin to the handbag industry, Chuck’s tempted back into the CIA fold when he learns that his nemesis – a Soviet agent named Rostov (Richard Lynch) – is plotting to destroy America.
Rostov’s dastardly plan involves tricking the USA into destroying itself. Flooding the country with hundreds of saboteurs, Rostov organises a co-ordinated wave of seemingly motiveless terrorist acts. With the authorities unable to stop the carnage, the country begins to disintegrate as the good citizens of ‘Uncle Sam’ turn against each other.
With chaos on the streets, it’s up to Norris to stop Rostov before America collapses altogether under the weight of its own rotten, decadent, bourgeois, capitalism.
So, in a Cold War-era action movie, what could be better than a scenario where the Soviets are hell-bent on the imminent destruction of America and the only person who can prevent Armageddon is – Chuck Norris! Writes itself, really.
Our Chuck plays Matt Hunter, a retired CIA agent who’s traded ‘wet work’, ‘dead drops’ and covert surveillance to become an alligator farmer. Apparently, the skills are very transferable.
Seemingly content with his business supplying gator skin to the handbag industry, Chuck’s tempted back into the CIA fold when he learns that his nemesis – a Soviet agent named Rostov (Richard Lynch) – is plotting to destroy America.
Rostov’s dastardly plan involves tricking the USA into destroying itself. Flooding the country with hundreds of saboteurs, Rostov organises a co-ordinated wave of seemingly motiveless terrorist acts. With the authorities unable to stop the carnage, the country begins to disintegrate as the good citizens of ‘Uncle Sam’ turn against each other.
With chaos on the streets, it’s up to Norris to stop Rostov before America collapses altogether under the weight of its own rotten, decadent, bourgeois, capitalism.
Quite why the CIA believe Norris is the only man who can protect western civilisation is never made clear. They're convinced he's the only one who can find Rostov. But given that Chuck's search mostly involves going into bars and asking, "Where's Rostov?" it's hard to fathom why no-one else could manage the job.
Still, it does allow us to spend plenty of time in the company of Chuck. He’s in fine form here, resplendent in full beard and rocking a bold ‘double denim’ outfit. Tricky to pull off at the best of times, here it makes the Chuck-ster look like a kung-fu Shakin’ Stevens.
It’s also a joy simply to look at Norris, quite the oddest looking man in Hollywood. He looks like what might have happened if a lion forcibly had sex with a squat female bodybuilder. It’s a crying shame he was never cast in the film he was made for: The Island of Dr Moreau. They’d have saved a fortune on make-up.
Never the most naturalistic actor, Chuck compensates by giving a pared down performance, much like Charles Bronson in his better work. As a result, he’s surprisingly effective – although there are some clunky moments where his utter lack of empathy with his dialogue jars the ears. (The average Spanish tourist, enquiring about the nearest facilities with the aid of a phrase book, would possibly convey more emotion than the monosyllabic Norris.)
However, given that Chuck does indeed single-handedly stop a Soviet invasion of the USA, surely this film cannot fail to be anything other than a slam dunk classic? How can a film where Chuck Norris spectacularly shoots up a shopping mall and dramatically saves a school bus of kids be bad? Especially when the climax involves Norris and Rostov going head-to-head armed with only a couple of rocket launchers.
Unfortunately, in the cold, dead hands of director Joseph Zito, badness is entirely possible.
Each breathless action set-piece is punctuated by long, arse-numbing, brain-melting periods of complete tedium where nothing, absolutely nothing, happens. It’s the sort of film Samuel Beckett would have walked out of on the grounds it ‘was dragging on a bit.’
The opening to the film is particularly execrable. Zito spends an ungodly 40 minutes setting up the plot, when it could easily have been done in ten. Enraged by the slack editing, I started to fantasise about doing my own cut of the film, then slamming it down in front of the man and declaring, “This is how you direct a Chuck Norris film!... Oh, and by the way, I‘ve taken most of the bits with Chuck Norris out.”
Having failed to stake out his directing credentials, I had grave concerns about how Zito would handle the film’s key scene – the helicopter explosion. Surprisingly, he makes a decent fist of it.
Towards the climax of the film, Norris comes across the villain’s getaway chopper parked on the roof of a building. On spotting Norris, the pilot desperately flips switches on the dashboard to start up the rotors. Unfortunately for the doomed pilot, the only thing slower than the opening to a Joseph Zito film, is starting up the engine to a helicopter.
Chuckie therefore has ample to time to put the rocket launcher he’s been handily lugging around with him to good use. Hoisting it to his shoulder, he aims and fires, blowing the helicopter to pieces.
Artistic merit
Screen-filling fireball, good, flaming post-explosion wreckage: Zito ticks a lot of boxes, but the whole thing is lacking in inspiration. Still, while it’s hard to get excited about a scene where Norris destroys an unarmed, stationary, helicopter from point blank range, I must confess, I did enjoy the cold-blooded overkill with which Norris despatches the chopper.
Exploding helicopter innovation
Rocket launcher chopper fireball – we’ve seen it before. However, it does remind us of the limitations of helicopters as escape vehicles. Pilots really should take a tip from getaway drivers, and always leave the engine running.
Positives
You really couldn’t wish for a better villain that Richard Lynch, who plays evil Commie mastermind Rostov. Lynch has a wonderful line in cold, dead-eyed stares which he puts to good use when he‘s about to kill someone. He can also turn up the wattage for stares of unblinking, diamond hard, psychotic malevolence, which he saves in Invasion USA for talking about his hatred of Chuck Norris.
In a juicy sub-plot, Rostov is obsessed by Chuck Norris and tries to kill our bearded friend to settle an old score. Even though he’s planning the downfall of America, he just can‘t bear the thought that Chuck Norris is out there somewhere still alive. I kind of know how he feels.
Negatives
While the final, rocket-launchers-at-40-paces showdown between Norris and Richard Lynch is undeniably a great moment of over-the-top action cinema, the choice of location leaves a lot to be desired. The climatic shoot-out takes place in a sterile, neon lit office block, and the aforementioned rocket launcher battle is staged in a bland, grey, anonymous corridor.
I guess it was a way of reminding us of the freedoms and liberties that Chuck was fighting for – the inalienable, God given right of every US citizen to do a boring, socially meaningless job for low pay. You almost start wishing the Russkies had won.
Favourite quote
Chuck intones the immortal: “I’m going to hit you with so many rights you’ll be begging for a left.”
Interesting fact
Sadly, we were denied one of the most bizarre screen pairings of all time in this film. Apparently, Chuck Norris wanted Whoopi Goldberg to play the main female lead. However, the director had other ideas and cast Melissa Prophet instead.
Norris and Goldberg, though. In the same film. The mind boggles.
Review by: Jafo
Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast show on Invasion USA. Listen to the show on iTunes, YourListen or Podomatic.
Still, it does allow us to spend plenty of time in the company of Chuck. He’s in fine form here, resplendent in full beard and rocking a bold ‘double denim’ outfit. Tricky to pull off at the best of times, here it makes the Chuck-ster look like a kung-fu Shakin’ Stevens.
It’s also a joy simply to look at Norris, quite the oddest looking man in Hollywood. He looks like what might have happened if a lion forcibly had sex with a squat female bodybuilder. It’s a crying shame he was never cast in the film he was made for: The Island of Dr Moreau. They’d have saved a fortune on make-up.
Never the most naturalistic actor, Chuck compensates by giving a pared down performance, much like Charles Bronson in his better work. As a result, he’s surprisingly effective – although there are some clunky moments where his utter lack of empathy with his dialogue jars the ears. (The average Spanish tourist, enquiring about the nearest facilities with the aid of a phrase book, would possibly convey more emotion than the monosyllabic Norris.)
However, given that Chuck does indeed single-handedly stop a Soviet invasion of the USA, surely this film cannot fail to be anything other than a slam dunk classic? How can a film where Chuck Norris spectacularly shoots up a shopping mall and dramatically saves a school bus of kids be bad? Especially when the climax involves Norris and Rostov going head-to-head armed with only a couple of rocket launchers.
Unfortunately, in the cold, dead hands of director Joseph Zito, badness is entirely possible.
Each breathless action set-piece is punctuated by long, arse-numbing, brain-melting periods of complete tedium where nothing, absolutely nothing, happens. It’s the sort of film Samuel Beckett would have walked out of on the grounds it ‘was dragging on a bit.’
The opening to the film is particularly execrable. Zito spends an ungodly 40 minutes setting up the plot, when it could easily have been done in ten. Enraged by the slack editing, I started to fantasise about doing my own cut of the film, then slamming it down in front of the man and declaring, “This is how you direct a Chuck Norris film!... Oh, and by the way, I‘ve taken most of the bits with Chuck Norris out.”
Having failed to stake out his directing credentials, I had grave concerns about how Zito would handle the film’s key scene – the helicopter explosion. Surprisingly, he makes a decent fist of it.
Towards the climax of the film, Norris comes across the villain’s getaway chopper parked on the roof of a building. On spotting Norris, the pilot desperately flips switches on the dashboard to start up the rotors. Unfortunately for the doomed pilot, the only thing slower than the opening to a Joseph Zito film, is starting up the engine to a helicopter.
Chuckie therefore has ample to time to put the rocket launcher he’s been handily lugging around with him to good use. Hoisting it to his shoulder, he aims and fires, blowing the helicopter to pieces.
Artistic merit
Screen-filling fireball, good, flaming post-explosion wreckage: Zito ticks a lot of boxes, but the whole thing is lacking in inspiration. Still, while it’s hard to get excited about a scene where Norris destroys an unarmed, stationary, helicopter from point blank range, I must confess, I did enjoy the cold-blooded overkill with which Norris despatches the chopper.
Exploding helicopter innovation
Rocket launcher chopper fireball – we’ve seen it before. However, it does remind us of the limitations of helicopters as escape vehicles. Pilots really should take a tip from getaway drivers, and always leave the engine running.
Positives
You really couldn’t wish for a better villain that Richard Lynch, who plays evil Commie mastermind Rostov. Lynch has a wonderful line in cold, dead-eyed stares which he puts to good use when he‘s about to kill someone. He can also turn up the wattage for stares of unblinking, diamond hard, psychotic malevolence, which he saves in Invasion USA for talking about his hatred of Chuck Norris.
In a juicy sub-plot, Rostov is obsessed by Chuck Norris and tries to kill our bearded friend to settle an old score. Even though he’s planning the downfall of America, he just can‘t bear the thought that Chuck Norris is out there somewhere still alive. I kind of know how he feels.
Negatives
While the final, rocket-launchers-at-40-paces showdown between Norris and Richard Lynch is undeniably a great moment of over-the-top action cinema, the choice of location leaves a lot to be desired. The climatic shoot-out takes place in a sterile, neon lit office block, and the aforementioned rocket launcher battle is staged in a bland, grey, anonymous corridor.
I guess it was a way of reminding us of the freedoms and liberties that Chuck was fighting for – the inalienable, God given right of every US citizen to do a boring, socially meaningless job for low pay. You almost start wishing the Russkies had won.
Favourite quote
Chuck intones the immortal: “I’m going to hit you with so many rights you’ll be begging for a left.”
Interesting fact
Sadly, we were denied one of the most bizarre screen pairings of all time in this film. Apparently, Chuck Norris wanted Whoopi Goldberg to play the main female lead. However, the director had other ideas and cast Melissa Prophet instead.
Norris and Goldberg, though. In the same film. The mind boggles.
Review by: Jafo
Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast show on Invasion USA. Listen to the show on iTunes, YourListen or Podomatic.
Friday, 6 July 2012
T-Force

One: deny any request for more money. Two: deny any request to make the film longer. And three: there must be a strip club scene or an exploding helicopter.
So, had T-Force (1994) been pitched to the legendary filmmaker, I’ve no doubt the king of schlock would have whipped out his cheque book immediately – and might even have been momentarily tempted to break his golden rules. For not only does T-Force have the necessary strip club scene, it’s also got an exploding helicopter.
Yes, it’s fair to say T-Force doesn’t really try to rewrite the rules of exploitation cinema. In fact, it scarcely even makes an effort to rewrite the films it’s so obviously, ahem, inspired by.
In the near future, the police have a special unit of kick-ass killer robots called the Terminal Force – or T-Force – who are used to deal with the most dangerous situations.
Sent in to a skyscraper to end a hostage situation (think Die Hard), the robots (think Terminator) end up killing some innocent civilians. With a public relations disaster on her hands, the Mayor (Erin Gray) orders the T-Force programme to be shut down. Unfortunately, the robots find out they’re about to have their batteries yanked, and through some crazy circuit board logic decide that the Mayor must die (think Blade Runner).
The only man standing in the way of all this cybernetic silliness is Jack Scalia, an old-school, robot-loathing cop (think I, Robot). He’s joined by ‘Adam’, the only tinny member of the T-Force who rejected the Mayor-murdering plan, thinking it clashed a bit with his programme to ‘protect and serve’ (think I, Robot. Again).
In the finest tradition of mis-matched buddy cop movies, Scalia and Adam team up and stop the rogue T-Force members before they whack the Mayor. That’s assuming, of course, they can stop irritating and arguing with each other for three consecutive minutes.
In typical PM Entertainment fashion, what follows is a riotously explosive 90 minutes of near non-stop action. Scalia is great as the grouchy, hard boiled, ‘shoot-first ask questions later’ cop, aghast at a future where the fun bits of his job – essentially, beating up punks and shooting people – are now done by robots.
Unlike Scalia though, we at EH headquarters aren’t fussed whether the real fun bits of films – exploding helicopters – are brought about by humans or cyborgs. Which is fortunate, as this is definitely what experts would term a robot-initiated chopper fireball.
And we don’t have to wait long for some ‘copter mayhem either, as the movie obligingly serves it up in the opening minutes. When the T-Force go in to deal with that initial, hostage-bothering skyscraper situation, the terrorists attempt to escape by fleeing to the roof where a helicopter is waiting to whisk them away.
They make it onboard, but the T-Force – having arrived on the job with enough weapons for a small war – fire a bazooka at the disappearing chopper. “Mission accomplished,” quips their leader as he surveys the whirlybird explosion.
Artistic merit
Unexceptional. The helicopter explodes, completely and thoroughly. No wreckage falls dramatically from the sky. Rotor blades don’t shear off and spectacularly spin away. There’s just a big, screen-filling explosion, and it’s gone.
Exploding helicopter innovation
None. The method of destruction certainly isn’t new, and we’ve seen robots destroy helicopters in Terminator 2.
Positives
The great Vernon Wells has a juicy little cameo as the terrorist who seizes control of the skyscraper at the beginning of the film.
A hulking, imposing figure, Wells has a nice line in flamboyant villainy, with memorable turns as a mohawked, S&M biker punk in Mad Max 2, and as the chain-mail vest wearing Bennett in Commando.
Here, somehow squeezed into a grey double-breasted suit, Big Vern looks rather ill at ease while trying to impersonate a suave criminal mastermind. Still, he retains the inimitable mad glint in his eye that’s the hallmark of his best work.
Negatives
Director Richard Pepin falls into the all too common trap of having the robots act like emotionless automatons. One of the reasons Blade Runner remains so eminently watchable is that Rutger Hauer and his cohorts get to act like real people, rather than flatly intoning their dialogue while maintaining a blank expression. If I wanted that from a movie, I’d just watch Keanu Reeves in The Matrix series over and over again.
Unfortunately, actors portraying the T-Force are required to give stilted performances, like lurching Frankenstein’s. Watching them act is almost as painful as having the old monster’s bolt shoved though your neck.
Favourite quote
“Get me six hostages into the chopper and then blow the rest to hell.”
Review by: Jafo
Still want more? Then check out a reviews by our buddies over at Comeuppance Reviews and DTV Connoisseur or have a listen to our podcast episode on the film. Listen via iTunes, Acast, Stitcher, Spotify or right here.
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
The Sender
To crudely paraphrase Kipling: “If you can stay cool when everyone else is losing the plot, then you‘ll be one hell of a man.”
This piece of doggerel came to my mind while watching Michael Madsen in The Sender (1998), in which the slouching star meets a succession of preposterous disasters with a phlegmatic languidness that Kipling himself would have marvelled at.
Madsen plays Dallas Grayson, an army intelligence officer investigating the mysterious death of his father 30 years ago. But, as is so often the case in straight-to-DVD thrillers, his search for answers is about to uncover a far more incredible truth about his family.
Big Mike discovers that his father, an air force pilot, was shot down by aliens who are now in contact with his young daughter. It seems the wee scamp has something called the ‘Sender’ gene, which gives her unworldly powers and the ability to “open gateways to other worlds”.
Unfortunately, a secret Government unit dedicated to hunting extraterrestrials – led by grizzly R Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) – has got wind of all this, and they snatch Madsen’s daughter so they can learn the source of her powers.
Half an hour in, the film – exhausted by such plot detail – simply turns into an extended chase sequence, as Madsen teams up with Angel (the friendly female alien his daughter had befriended) to rescue his wee bairn from the nefarious clutches of the Government.
But how’s Big Mike coping? Facing such a distressing sequence of events, surely even a man possessed of the stiffest of constitutions might find themselves reduced to a jibbering wreck?
Madsen, though, is no ordinary man. Having found out in quick succession that extraterrestrials exist, that they butchered his father, and that his daughter is now some kind of genetic freak who’s been kidnapped by the Government, he adopts the expression of someone just told they’re all out of bacon so he’ll have to have the cheeseburger.
The boy is made of stern stuff. Surprise, shock, anger, fear – emotions which might trouble lesser mortals – are unknown to the man. His only reaction to each increasingly fantastical development is to slightly furrow his brow or, if it’s really bad news, tilt his head.
Indeed, so impassive is Madsen before unfolding events, not even the actual event of his own death can garner an observable reaction.
Yes, you read that right – not even his own death. In one corker of a scene, Madsen is shot dead by R Lee Emry, only to be brought back to life shortly thereafter by Angel. And yet, even after having his life miraculously saved by an alien dressed as a Seventies disco dancer, Big Mike is unable to muster any sign of relief, nor even mild curiosity.
Where lesser men might be hysterically exclaiming: “Who are you?”, “Why aren’t I dead?”, or “Why are you dressed in tin foil and wearing a silver wig?“ Madsen just drolly gazes into the middle distance. Perhaps this sort of thing happens to him all the time.
Given such imperturbable implacability, you begin to wonder what it might take to wring an emotional response from Madsen? Sadly, we never get to find out. Because even when reunited with his supposedly dead father, our Mike still doesn’t bat an eyelid. Instead, he casually suggests to his long-missing dad that they go and get some ice cream. Now that really is cool.
Given this laidback approach to the drama of life, it’s no surprise to find Madsen remains equally nonplussed by a near fatal run-in with a couple of military helicopters.
Having teamed up with Angel, Mike is aboard her spacecraft when they are pursued by two heavily armed choppers. Badly damaged, the spacecraft is unable to return fire, so dodges and weaves amid skyscrapers to evade their pursuers.
Our heroes are in a tight spot – not that you’d know it from the way Madsen lounges around in the spacecraft’s cockpit. Fortunately, the helicopter pilots are two of the dumbest fools ever to have taken to the skies.
Given a clear shot of the spacecraft, one chopper pilot unleashes a volley of machine gunfire, only for the spacecraft to niftily dodge out the way. The bullets hit the other chopper which has obligingly come round the other side and boom! Scratch one helicopter.
The remaining whirlybird continues the pursuit, as Madsen and Angel fly under a bridge. Despite it being clearly observable and entirely avoidable, the pilot – perhaps overwhelmed by the number of safe options he could take to avoid an imminent death – chooses to fly straight into it. Kaboom. End of chase.
Artistic merit
The sequence is rendered in low budget CGI, so wisely director Richard Pepin doesn’t linger on any of the explosions too long. Unfortunately, as a connoisseur of helicopter explosions, we like to linger over them. Overall, unsatisfying.
Number of exploding helicopters
Two.
Exploding helicopter innovation
No great innovation, unless we’re prepared to count idiocy, and the new level of dunderheaded stupidity we witness in this scene. The chopper crash into the bridge heralds a new nadir in failing to avoid the bleeding obvious.
Positives
Michael Madsen is perhaps the greatest sunglasses actor of all time, rarely, if ever, appearing on-screen without a pair of Ray-Bans.
He takes them off, he puts them on – often several times within the same scene. Yes, it is hard to think how Madsen would function on-screen without this convenient prop.
And with Big Mike generally loathe to actually do any demonstrable ‘acting’, his sunglasses adjustments are about the only evidence that he hasn‘t just fallen asleep with his eyes open.
My favourite sunglasses moment in The Sender though, is one astonishing scene in which Madsen engages in a fist fight on the top of a moving lorry still wearing his Ray-Bans.
Despite taking numerous punches to the head, Mike’s sunglasses remain undamaged and perfectly balanced on his face.
While it may seem a little churlish in a film with aliens, kidnap, miraculous resurrections and reappearances, this was the most unrealistic moment in the entire film.
Negatives
The former Mrs Cary Grant, Dyan Cannon, appears in the film as Michael Madsen’s double-crossing mother-in-law. Clearly she’s been no stranger to the plastic surgeon’s knife as her face looks like a melted marshmallow.
In an act of kindness, director Richard Pepin never shows her face in close-up. Either that, or he was worried that the close proximity of strong lighting would cause her face to drip completely off her skull.
Favourite quote
I particularly liked this perplexing line: “All great discoveries are violent - like volcanoes.”
Review by: Jafo
This piece of doggerel came to my mind while watching Michael Madsen in The Sender (1998), in which the slouching star meets a succession of preposterous disasters with a phlegmatic languidness that Kipling himself would have marvelled at.
Madsen plays Dallas Grayson, an army intelligence officer investigating the mysterious death of his father 30 years ago. But, as is so often the case in straight-to-DVD thrillers, his search for answers is about to uncover a far more incredible truth about his family.
Big Mike discovers that his father, an air force pilot, was shot down by aliens who are now in contact with his young daughter. It seems the wee scamp has something called the ‘Sender’ gene, which gives her unworldly powers and the ability to “open gateways to other worlds”.
Unfortunately, a secret Government unit dedicated to hunting extraterrestrials – led by grizzly R Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) – has got wind of all this, and they snatch Madsen’s daughter so they can learn the source of her powers.
Half an hour in, the film – exhausted by such plot detail – simply turns into an extended chase sequence, as Madsen teams up with Angel (the friendly female alien his daughter had befriended) to rescue his wee bairn from the nefarious clutches of the Government.
But how’s Big Mike coping? Facing such a distressing sequence of events, surely even a man possessed of the stiffest of constitutions might find themselves reduced to a jibbering wreck?
Madsen, though, is no ordinary man. Having found out in quick succession that extraterrestrials exist, that they butchered his father, and that his daughter is now some kind of genetic freak who’s been kidnapped by the Government, he adopts the expression of someone just told they’re all out of bacon so he’ll have to have the cheeseburger.
The boy is made of stern stuff. Surprise, shock, anger, fear – emotions which might trouble lesser mortals – are unknown to the man. His only reaction to each increasingly fantastical development is to slightly furrow his brow or, if it’s really bad news, tilt his head.
Indeed, so impassive is Madsen before unfolding events, not even the actual event of his own death can garner an observable reaction.
Yes, you read that right – not even his own death. In one corker of a scene, Madsen is shot dead by R Lee Emry, only to be brought back to life shortly thereafter by Angel. And yet, even after having his life miraculously saved by an alien dressed as a Seventies disco dancer, Big Mike is unable to muster any sign of relief, nor even mild curiosity.
Where lesser men might be hysterically exclaiming: “Who are you?”, “Why aren’t I dead?”, or “Why are you dressed in tin foil and wearing a silver wig?“ Madsen just drolly gazes into the middle distance. Perhaps this sort of thing happens to him all the time.
Given such imperturbable implacability, you begin to wonder what it might take to wring an emotional response from Madsen? Sadly, we never get to find out. Because even when reunited with his supposedly dead father, our Mike still doesn’t bat an eyelid. Instead, he casually suggests to his long-missing dad that they go and get some ice cream. Now that really is cool.
Given this laidback approach to the drama of life, it’s no surprise to find Madsen remains equally nonplussed by a near fatal run-in with a couple of military helicopters.
Having teamed up with Angel, Mike is aboard her spacecraft when they are pursued by two heavily armed choppers. Badly damaged, the spacecraft is unable to return fire, so dodges and weaves amid skyscrapers to evade their pursuers.
Our heroes are in a tight spot – not that you’d know it from the way Madsen lounges around in the spacecraft’s cockpit. Fortunately, the helicopter pilots are two of the dumbest fools ever to have taken to the skies.
Given a clear shot of the spacecraft, one chopper pilot unleashes a volley of machine gunfire, only for the spacecraft to niftily dodge out the way. The bullets hit the other chopper which has obligingly come round the other side and boom! Scratch one helicopter.
The remaining whirlybird continues the pursuit, as Madsen and Angel fly under a bridge. Despite it being clearly observable and entirely avoidable, the pilot – perhaps overwhelmed by the number of safe options he could take to avoid an imminent death – chooses to fly straight into it. Kaboom. End of chase.
Artistic merit
The sequence is rendered in low budget CGI, so wisely director Richard Pepin doesn’t linger on any of the explosions too long. Unfortunately, as a connoisseur of helicopter explosions, we like to linger over them. Overall, unsatisfying.
Number of exploding helicopters
Two.
Exploding helicopter innovation
No great innovation, unless we’re prepared to count idiocy, and the new level of dunderheaded stupidity we witness in this scene. The chopper crash into the bridge heralds a new nadir in failing to avoid the bleeding obvious.
Positives
Michael Madsen is perhaps the greatest sunglasses actor of all time, rarely, if ever, appearing on-screen without a pair of Ray-Bans.
He takes them off, he puts them on – often several times within the same scene. Yes, it is hard to think how Madsen would function on-screen without this convenient prop.
And with Big Mike generally loathe to actually do any demonstrable ‘acting’, his sunglasses adjustments are about the only evidence that he hasn‘t just fallen asleep with his eyes open.
My favourite sunglasses moment in The Sender though, is one astonishing scene in which Madsen engages in a fist fight on the top of a moving lorry still wearing his Ray-Bans.
Despite taking numerous punches to the head, Mike’s sunglasses remain undamaged and perfectly balanced on his face.
While it may seem a little churlish in a film with aliens, kidnap, miraculous resurrections and reappearances, this was the most unrealistic moment in the entire film.
Negatives
The former Mrs Cary Grant, Dyan Cannon, appears in the film as Michael Madsen’s double-crossing mother-in-law. Clearly she’s been no stranger to the plastic surgeon’s knife as her face looks like a melted marshmallow.
In an act of kindness, director Richard Pepin never shows her face in close-up. Either that, or he was worried that the close proximity of strong lighting would cause her face to drip completely off her skull.
Favourite quote
I particularly liked this perplexing line: “All great discoveries are violent - like volcanoes.”
Review by: Jafo
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
XXX2: The Next Level
It may seem hard to credit now, but Ice Cube was actually something of a hot ticket in 2005.
Having starred in surprise hit comedies Barbershop and, er, Barbershop 2: Back In Business he looked like he had the potential to be a break-out star.
So when bullet-headed lunk Vin Diesel declined the opportunity to reprise his role of Xander Cage, Cube was given a shot at A-List stardom. Unfortunately, he should‘ve aimed more carefully, because he instead fired his blubbery arse straight back to b-list comedies.
Having starred in surprise hit comedies Barbershop and, er, Barbershop 2: Back In Business he looked like he had the potential to be a break-out star.
So when bullet-headed lunk Vin Diesel declined the opportunity to reprise his role of Xander Cage, Cube was given a shot at A-List stardom. Unfortunately, he should‘ve aimed more carefully, because he instead fired his blubbery arse straight back to b-list comedies.
The plot
Cube plays Darius Stone, a Navy Seal with a bad attitude who’s serving time in a military prison. He’s recruited to the top secret XXX programme – which turns unconventional civilians into super spies – by its leader, Samuel L Jackson, after the XXX headquarters is attacked by unknown forces.
Suspecting that the attack came from rogue forces inside their own government, Jackson and Cube inevitably have to work ‘outside official channels’ to uncover the conspiracy.
In a startling break from his usual schtick in mainstream movies, Willem Dafoe here plays a creepy, sinister cartoon baddie. Who’d have thunk? So when his duplicitous Secretary of Defence suddenly attempts to take over the Presidency with a military coup, you can imagine I was as surprised as anyone.
Cube plays Darius Stone, a Navy Seal with a bad attitude who’s serving time in a military prison. He’s recruited to the top secret XXX programme – which turns unconventional civilians into super spies – by its leader, Samuel L Jackson, after the XXX headquarters is attacked by unknown forces.
Suspecting that the attack came from rogue forces inside their own government, Jackson and Cube inevitably have to work ‘outside official channels’ to uncover the conspiracy.
In a startling break from his usual schtick in mainstream movies, Willem Dafoe here plays a creepy, sinister cartoon baddie. Who’d have thunk? So when his duplicitous Secretary of Defence suddenly attempts to take over the Presidency with a military coup, you can imagine I was as surprised as anyone.
Longing for Vin
Like the original, XXX2 is an unashamed blend of comic book action and knowing, tongue-in-cheek attitude. Unfortunately, the alchemy which made the first film work is entirely absent, leaving the viewer – perhaps for the only time – wishing Vin Diesel was actually in a film.
Part of the problem is the great petroleum-named one’s replacement, Ice Cube. He just doesn’t have the acting chops for a leading man, and his one-note ‘gangsta’ attitude begins to grind long before he and his ‘homies’ save the day.
The second issue is, ahem, how shall I put it, Cube’s well upholstered physique. Unquestionably, the boy can eat. This lends an unintentionally comic air to any scene where the rotund rapper is required to acquit himself athletically.
The film expects us to believe that the paunchy playa is able to leap across rooftops and out-sprint pursuers, while maintaining the blubbery frame of someone who looks like they’d be hard pushed to outrun a sweet trolley.
Ironically, there’s a running joke throughout film about the tubby tunesmith’s ongoing, frustrated attempts to get some fries and a shake. Which is odd, given it doesn’t look like he’s ever struggled to get hold of them before.
Suspending your disbelief for a film of this nature is obviously essential. But watching the bulky beatmaster labour his way through action sequences put a strain on my credulity only exceeded by the obvious strain on his own belt. It must be the only time in cinema history where the title of an action film refers to the star’s underpants size.
Like the original, XXX2 is an unashamed blend of comic book action and knowing, tongue-in-cheek attitude. Unfortunately, the alchemy which made the first film work is entirely absent, leaving the viewer – perhaps for the only time – wishing Vin Diesel was actually in a film.
Part of the problem is the great petroleum-named one’s replacement, Ice Cube. He just doesn’t have the acting chops for a leading man, and his one-note ‘gangsta’ attitude begins to grind long before he and his ‘homies’ save the day.
The second issue is, ahem, how shall I put it, Cube’s well upholstered physique. Unquestionably, the boy can eat. This lends an unintentionally comic air to any scene where the rotund rapper is required to acquit himself athletically.
The film expects us to believe that the paunchy playa is able to leap across rooftops and out-sprint pursuers, while maintaining the blubbery frame of someone who looks like they’d be hard pushed to outrun a sweet trolley.
Ironically, there’s a running joke throughout film about the tubby tunesmith’s ongoing, frustrated attempts to get some fries and a shake. Which is odd, given it doesn’t look like he’s ever struggled to get hold of them before.
Suspending your disbelief for a film of this nature is obviously essential. But watching the bulky beatmaster labour his way through action sequences put a strain on my credulity only exceeded by the obvious strain on his own belt. It must be the only time in cinema history where the title of an action film refers to the star’s underpants size.
Mo' money, mo' problems
Add to the mix a misfiring comic sidekick (Michael Roof), the bland Scott Speedman (as a Government agent pursuing Cube), and an utterly wasted Samuel L Jackson, and you have a sequel which, as the poet Notorious BIG observed, has “mo money, mo problems”.
Add to the mix a misfiring comic sidekick (Michael Roof), the bland Scott Speedman (as a Government agent pursuing Cube), and an utterly wasted Samuel L Jackson, and you have a sequel which, as the poet Notorious BIG observed, has “mo money, mo problems”.
Still, such cynical barbs aside, this isn’t all bad. Director Lee Tamahori gives the action sequences a superior gloss, and as mindless, undemanding entertainment goes it’s not a complete waste of time. Lukewarm praise, but it’s as much as I can summon.
Sadly, I can muster little more enthusiasm for the exploding helicopter action. To stop the conspiracy, Cube sneaks aboard an aircraft carrier where Willem Dafoe is planning his military coup.
Unfortunately, Cube’s portly profile doesn’t lend itself to covert infiltration and he‘s quickly discovered. In need of a rapid getaway, he jumps into a tank parked in the carrier’s below deck hangar.
To prevent his escape, another tank gives chase and fires on Cube, who deftly swerves out the way. Natch, the shell hits a helicopter that just happens to be sitting around unused. Ka-boom.
Artistic merit
Blink and you’ll miss it. The chopper-consuming fireball is impressive, but it’s briefness is very disappointing. I had to rewind a couple of times to confirm that, yes, it was a helicopter.
Exploding helicopter innovation
You don’t see many helicopters destroyed by a tank. There’s famously one in Rambo III, where Stallone rams a Mil-24 Hind with one, but you don’t often see them taken out with cannon fire. This is the first one we’ve recorded.
Certainly, it’s the first known helicopter destroyed below deck on an aircraft carrier.
Positives
The high point of the film is the over-the-top action sequence aboard the aircraft carrier, where Cube engages in a tank chase aboard the vessel.
It climaxes when Cube, with his tank crippled, eludes his pursuers by attaching his tank to a catapult on the ship’s deck and firing the armoured vehicle at his opponent.
It’s every bit as preposterous as it sounds and perhaps it’s best not to wonder why there are so many tanks onboard an aircraft carrier. Just accept that logic and reason were barred from the set on this project.
Negatives
Willem Dafoe sleepwalks his way through his role as the film’s villain. You can only assume he took this gig as one of his regular mainstream assignments designed to bankroll his artier offerings.
Still his appearance does give you a chance to again ponder what an extraordinarily flat face he has, rather like one of Zelda’s cubes in Terrahawks.
Favourite quote
“By my count, you boys broke about ten federal laws back there: aiding and abetting, harbouring a fugitive, and my personal favourite - grand theft chopper.”
Interesting fact
Two different scripts were developed for XXX2, with the producers opting for this US-based conspiracy plot over an Asian set story. Which begs the question: if they though this was the best story, what the hell was the other one like?
Review by: Jafo
Sadly, I can muster little more enthusiasm for the exploding helicopter action. To stop the conspiracy, Cube sneaks aboard an aircraft carrier where Willem Dafoe is planning his military coup.
Unfortunately, Cube’s portly profile doesn’t lend itself to covert infiltration and he‘s quickly discovered. In need of a rapid getaway, he jumps into a tank parked in the carrier’s below deck hangar.
To prevent his escape, another tank gives chase and fires on Cube, who deftly swerves out the way. Natch, the shell hits a helicopter that just happens to be sitting around unused. Ka-boom.
Artistic merit
Blink and you’ll miss it. The chopper-consuming fireball is impressive, but it’s briefness is very disappointing. I had to rewind a couple of times to confirm that, yes, it was a helicopter.
Exploding helicopter innovation
You don’t see many helicopters destroyed by a tank. There’s famously one in Rambo III, where Stallone rams a Mil-24 Hind with one, but you don’t often see them taken out with cannon fire. This is the first one we’ve recorded.
Certainly, it’s the first known helicopter destroyed below deck on an aircraft carrier.
Positives
The high point of the film is the over-the-top action sequence aboard the aircraft carrier, where Cube engages in a tank chase aboard the vessel.
It climaxes when Cube, with his tank crippled, eludes his pursuers by attaching his tank to a catapult on the ship’s deck and firing the armoured vehicle at his opponent.
It’s every bit as preposterous as it sounds and perhaps it’s best not to wonder why there are so many tanks onboard an aircraft carrier. Just accept that logic and reason were barred from the set on this project.
Negatives
Willem Dafoe sleepwalks his way through his role as the film’s villain. You can only assume he took this gig as one of his regular mainstream assignments designed to bankroll his artier offerings.
Still his appearance does give you a chance to again ponder what an extraordinarily flat face he has, rather like one of Zelda’s cubes in Terrahawks.
Favourite quote
“By my count, you boys broke about ten federal laws back there: aiding and abetting, harbouring a fugitive, and my personal favourite - grand theft chopper.”
Interesting fact
Two different scripts were developed for XXX2, with the producers opting for this US-based conspiracy plot over an Asian set story. Which begs the question: if they though this was the best story, what the hell was the other one like?
Review by: Jafo
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Apocalypse Now
“Travel the world, meet interesting people. Kill them.”
So goes the unofficial Army recruitment slogan, which tries to suggest the military is little more than a glorified holiday – albeit with a little light homicide thrown in.
In fact, there are striking parallels between serving in the Army and taking a package holiday. With both, your travel, accommodation and catering needs are all taken care of, and the citizens of the country you’re visiting are never keen to see you.
Sceptics might point out that most holidays don’t require you to risk potentially fatal violence. All I can say is: those sceptics clearly aren’t familiar with some of the ‘lads’ holiday I used to go on.

In many ways, it makes more sense to view Apocalypse Now in terms of a particularly indifferent package holiday. The plot sees Army officer Martin Sheen offered a mission (or mini-break holiday) by some slippery top brass types. They want him to make a hush-hush trip to Cambodia to quietly assassinate Marlon Brando – a top Green Beret Colonel who’s gone bonkers, disappeared into the jungle, and is now proving to be an embarrassment to the Pentagon.
Bored of his budget hotel room in Saigon, Sheen accepts the offer, especially as the trip to Cambodia involves a relaxing river cruise. Unfortunately, his travel companions prove to be either naïve or highly-strung, and Martin soon finds himself holed up in the boat’s cabin getting wasted on the mini-bar. (In this he mimics the majority of young English male tourists, who tend to return from a sunny fortnight even whiter and with a liver twice its original size.)
Knocking back straight whiskies, Sheen misses numerous opportunities for surfing, water-skiing and pedalo larks along the river. Maybe he just forgot his Speedos.
Still, he does get to enjoy some of the nightlife, including a strip-show and a rather vivid firework display which – featuring live ammunition - shows shockingly lax regard for health and safety legislation.
And you know that thing about places never looking quite as good as in the brochure..? It’s the same story when our Martin arrives at Brando’s Cambodian resort, and learns that the ‘light and airy room commanding stunning views’ he expected is actually a bamboo cage, in which he’s swiftly imprisoned.
And instead of those nice little potted palm plants you often find in sunny resorts, there’s an assortment of severed heads littering the camp. Er, when did you say the next boat back was? Still, at least he didn’t fly Ryanair.
And mercifully, Camp Cambodia is free of the ultimate holiday annoyance: Germans putting towels on sun loungers then going for an hours-long walk into town. But it does have Dennis Hopper, whose unhinged, manic jibbering suggest he’s had too much midday sun without the factor 30 on. Also lounging around is Scott Glen, who stares gauntly into the middle distance all day – presumably wondering why, even in a three-hour plus film, he doesn’t get a single line.
Eventually it’s time for Sheen to check-out and settle his bill, which in this case requires him to end Brando’s stay at the camp with some proverbial ‘extreme prejudice’. I only hope Big Marlon’s travel insurance covers him for the damage.
Anyway, all this is merely prologue, for earlier in the trip Sheen takes a connecting flight with Robert Duvall’s air cavalry helicopters. They arrive at a particularly lively beach resort where the locals seem none too pleased by the sudden appearance of the loutish holidaymakers, ghetto-blasters on full volume.
As one helicopter lands to evacuate some wounded tourists, an irate local runs up and throws a grenade-containing hat. The soldiers dive for cover and va-voom – one stationary chopper fireball.
Artistic merit
We get a lovely aerial view of the entire sequence, affording a birds-eye view of bystanders, realising the helicopter’s about to explode, scattering hither and thither. As the chopper is consumed with flame, the rotor blades continue to turn, which is always a nice touch.
Exploding helicopter innovation
First known destruction of a helicopter by an exploding hat. Earliest known Vietnam related exploding helicopter.
Do passengers survive?
Hard to tell. One body is blown clear by the explosion, and we also see a man covered in flames clamber out the wreckage. Whether they lived to write a postcard home is unknown.
Positives
As you’d expect, the Ride of the Valkyries-soundtracked chopper assault is a highlight for helicopter aficionados such as ourselves.
The whirlybird armada unleashes hell on a small village, blowing up bridges and huts with abandon. The whole scene is rendered in full Technicolor, pyrotechnic glory, due to Coppolla‘s no-expense spared staging.
Negatives
Marlon Brando appears in a particularly indulgent cameo. I say appears, but it’s hard to be entirely sure since the much-lauded actor – embarrassed about his enormous girth – performed most of his scenes amidst virtually black-out shadow, with just tiny sections of his physiognomy visible at any one time. Even so, I can confidently state that the man has really fat ears.
Throughout his career, Brando was notorious for not bothering to learn his lines, but it now seems he’d reached a point where he couldn’t be bothered to even appear in his own scenes.
You’d think such obvious contempt for your craft might leave an actor struggling to find paid employment. Not so in Hollywood, where producers responded by offering Brando ever larger sums of money to appear in ever shorter amounts of film. Where do I sign up?
Favourite quote
“Never get out the boat.”
Interesting fact
The wonderful narration which frames the film nearly didn’t happen, as Coppola abandoned the idea during filming. However, sound editor Walter Murch – convinced it was the only way to make the project work – assembled the film with a narration recorded by himself.
The final narration was written by Vietnam war journalist Michael Herr, author of the seminal account of the conflict, Dispatches.
While the narration is spoken by Martin Sheen, Herr’s distinctive hard-boiled, gonzoid, voice can be heard clearly in the words. If you love the ambience it lends to the film, then Dispatches is well worth seeking out and reading.
Also, the film is now arguably more famous for what occurred off camera than in front of it: Francis Ford Coppola’s monstrous bullying and on-set harem, fatty Brando refusing to step out the shadows even for his own scenes, Martin Sheen’s druggy nuttiness. The Seventies film book Easy Riders, Raging Bulls captures all the madness admirably and is worth a peek.
Review by: Jafo
Still want more? Then listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on Apocalypse Now. Listen via iTunes, Player FM, Stitcher, Acast or right here
So goes the unofficial Army recruitment slogan, which tries to suggest the military is little more than a glorified holiday – albeit with a little light homicide thrown in.
In fact, there are striking parallels between serving in the Army and taking a package holiday. With both, your travel, accommodation and catering needs are all taken care of, and the citizens of the country you’re visiting are never keen to see you.
Sceptics might point out that most holidays don’t require you to risk potentially fatal violence. All I can say is: those sceptics clearly aren’t familiar with some of the ‘lads’ holiday I used to go on.

In many ways, it makes more sense to view Apocalypse Now in terms of a particularly indifferent package holiday. The plot sees Army officer Martin Sheen offered a mission (or mini-break holiday) by some slippery top brass types. They want him to make a hush-hush trip to Cambodia to quietly assassinate Marlon Brando – a top Green Beret Colonel who’s gone bonkers, disappeared into the jungle, and is now proving to be an embarrassment to the Pentagon.
Bored of his budget hotel room in Saigon, Sheen accepts the offer, especially as the trip to Cambodia involves a relaxing river cruise. Unfortunately, his travel companions prove to be either naïve or highly-strung, and Martin soon finds himself holed up in the boat’s cabin getting wasted on the mini-bar. (In this he mimics the majority of young English male tourists, who tend to return from a sunny fortnight even whiter and with a liver twice its original size.)
Knocking back straight whiskies, Sheen misses numerous opportunities for surfing, water-skiing and pedalo larks along the river. Maybe he just forgot his Speedos.

And you know that thing about places never looking quite as good as in the brochure..? It’s the same story when our Martin arrives at Brando’s Cambodian resort, and learns that the ‘light and airy room commanding stunning views’ he expected is actually a bamboo cage, in which he’s swiftly imprisoned.
And instead of those nice little potted palm plants you often find in sunny resorts, there’s an assortment of severed heads littering the camp. Er, when did you say the next boat back was? Still, at least he didn’t fly Ryanair.
And mercifully, Camp Cambodia is free of the ultimate holiday annoyance: Germans putting towels on sun loungers then going for an hours-long walk into town. But it does have Dennis Hopper, whose unhinged, manic jibbering suggest he’s had too much midday sun without the factor 30 on. Also lounging around is Scott Glen, who stares gauntly into the middle distance all day – presumably wondering why, even in a three-hour plus film, he doesn’t get a single line.
Eventually it’s time for Sheen to check-out and settle his bill, which in this case requires him to end Brando’s stay at the camp with some proverbial ‘extreme prejudice’. I only hope Big Marlon’s travel insurance covers him for the damage.
Anyway, all this is merely prologue, for earlier in the trip Sheen takes a connecting flight with Robert Duvall’s air cavalry helicopters. They arrive at a particularly lively beach resort where the locals seem none too pleased by the sudden appearance of the loutish holidaymakers, ghetto-blasters on full volume.
As one helicopter lands to evacuate some wounded tourists, an irate local runs up and throws a grenade-containing hat. The soldiers dive for cover and va-voom – one stationary chopper fireball.
Artistic merit
We get a lovely aerial view of the entire sequence, affording a birds-eye view of bystanders, realising the helicopter’s about to explode, scattering hither and thither. As the chopper is consumed with flame, the rotor blades continue to turn, which is always a nice touch.
Exploding helicopter innovation
First known destruction of a helicopter by an exploding hat. Earliest known Vietnam related exploding helicopter.
Do passengers survive?
Hard to tell. One body is blown clear by the explosion, and we also see a man covered in flames clamber out the wreckage. Whether they lived to write a postcard home is unknown.
Positives
As you’d expect, the Ride of the Valkyries-soundtracked chopper assault is a highlight for helicopter aficionados such as ourselves.
The whirlybird armada unleashes hell on a small village, blowing up bridges and huts with abandon. The whole scene is rendered in full Technicolor, pyrotechnic glory, due to Coppolla‘s no-expense spared staging.
Negatives
Marlon Brando appears in a particularly indulgent cameo. I say appears, but it’s hard to be entirely sure since the much-lauded actor – embarrassed about his enormous girth – performed most of his scenes amidst virtually black-out shadow, with just tiny sections of his physiognomy visible at any one time. Even so, I can confidently state that the man has really fat ears.
Throughout his career, Brando was notorious for not bothering to learn his lines, but it now seems he’d reached a point where he couldn’t be bothered to even appear in his own scenes.
You’d think such obvious contempt for your craft might leave an actor struggling to find paid employment. Not so in Hollywood, where producers responded by offering Brando ever larger sums of money to appear in ever shorter amounts of film. Where do I sign up?
Favourite quote
“Never get out the boat.”
Interesting fact

The final narration was written by Vietnam war journalist Michael Herr, author of the seminal account of the conflict, Dispatches.
While the narration is spoken by Martin Sheen, Herr’s distinctive hard-boiled, gonzoid, voice can be heard clearly in the words. If you love the ambience it lends to the film, then Dispatches is well worth seeking out and reading.
Also, the film is now arguably more famous for what occurred off camera than in front of it: Francis Ford Coppola’s monstrous bullying and on-set harem, fatty Brando refusing to step out the shadows even for his own scenes, Martin Sheen’s druggy nuttiness. The Seventies film book Easy Riders, Raging Bulls captures all the madness admirably and is worth a peek.
Review by: Jafo
Still want more? Then listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode on Apocalypse Now. Listen via iTunes, Player FM, Stitcher, Acast or right here
Friday, 18 May 2012
CIA II: Target Alexa

So, when I sat down to watch CIA II: Target Alexa (1993) I knew I was embarking on a journey of personal discovery. An inner truth was about to be revealed to me. Was I ready? Could I deal with the consequences? There was only one way to find out.
I hit play.
Our hero for this film is Lorenzo Lamas. He has to retrieve the film‘s McGuffin – inevitably some new-fangled weapons technology – that’s been stolen by terrorists.
Confusingly, another group of terrorists then pinch the weapon thingy off the first lot. Seems there’s no honour amongst thieves – nor international terrorists for that matter.
To get the McGuffin back, Lamas courageously sends his old girlfriend (and former terrorist) Alexa to infiltrate the criminal gang, which works a treat until she’s rumbled.
Now Lamas is in double trouble, having to both recover the weapons-tech and rescue his former squeeze. Supposedly a top CIA operative, at this stage everything Lamas touches immediately goes tits up. He’s a like an action version of Frank Spencer. Some Terrorists Do Ave ‘Em.
Now, I’ve taken a few liberties with my summary of the action. That’s because further detail wouldn’t make any kind of sense outside the hermetically sealed bubble of logic in which the plot exists. Let’s just say this movie takes a running jump off the high board of ridiculous, bangs its head on the incredulous board on the way down then swan dives into a deep pool of dumbly enjoyable fun.
There are vintage moments aplenty, not least the cat-fight between Kathleen Kinmont and the imposing Lori Fetrick, who sees herself as the terrorist gang’s number one pin-up. The camp karate of their inevitable showdown – all breathy panting and more swinging nellies than a Dolly Parton convention – is worthy of any Russ Meyer film.
There are vintage moments aplenty, not least the cat-fight between Kathleen Kinmont and the imposing Lori Fetrick, who sees herself as the terrorist gang’s number one pin-up. The camp karate of their inevitable showdown – all breathy panting and more swinging nellies than a Dolly Parton convention – is worthy of any Russ Meyer film.
Alongside the delightful hand-to-hand combat, there’s more automatic gunfire than the National Rifle Association could shake a M16 at. If he was still alive, Charlton Heston would probably write in to complain.
With a body count approaching WW2 levels, the extras are entertainingly given free rein to die in the most artistic ways they can imagine – comically jerking around as bullets riddle their body, or needlessly throwing themselves over tables and through windows. Of course, the budget only ran to so many extras so, with such a huge body count, it’s very likely the viewer sees each individual extra pop their clogs about six or seven times throughout a variety of scenes.
Of course, this review wouldn’t exist if there weren’t some explosive rotary action to enjoy as well. The sequence is actually quite tasty, occurring when the second group of terrorists – led by John Ryan – initially seize the McGuffin.
Ryan leads the raid on his rivals’ camp in a couple of choppers, blowing up huts and vehicles with the destructive abandon of a small, delinquent child (or peacetime American general). Finally, the meatheads in the camp get themselves sufficiently organised to return fire. A quick burst of machine gunfire and KABOOM! Strike one helicopter.
Artistic merit
One moment the helicopter’s there, the next it’s vaporised – going up quicker than a bride‘s nightie.
While there might not be much preamble, the fireball is mightily impressive, filling the screen with lovely, auburn orange hues.
Exploding helicopter innovation
Helicopter is shot, helicopter explodes. Industry standard. Like Ronseal, it does exactly what it says on the tin.
Positives
There’s a fantastic moment during the helicopter assault when John Ryan fist-pumps the air and goes: “Yeaaah!” after blowing up a tent.
In this moment he captures the very essence of the joy implicit in firing guns and blowing up stuff. Or at least, the simple joy of watching people in films do it.
With a body count approaching WW2 levels, the extras are entertainingly given free rein to die in the most artistic ways they can imagine – comically jerking around as bullets riddle their body, or needlessly throwing themselves over tables and through windows. Of course, the budget only ran to so many extras so, with such a huge body count, it’s very likely the viewer sees each individual extra pop their clogs about six or seven times throughout a variety of scenes.
Of course, this review wouldn’t exist if there weren’t some explosive rotary action to enjoy as well. The sequence is actually quite tasty, occurring when the second group of terrorists – led by John Ryan – initially seize the McGuffin.
Ryan leads the raid on his rivals’ camp in a couple of choppers, blowing up huts and vehicles with the destructive abandon of a small, delinquent child (or peacetime American general). Finally, the meatheads in the camp get themselves sufficiently organised to return fire. A quick burst of machine gunfire and KABOOM! Strike one helicopter.
Artistic merit
One moment the helicopter’s there, the next it’s vaporised – going up quicker than a bride‘s nightie.
While there might not be much preamble, the fireball is mightily impressive, filling the screen with lovely, auburn orange hues.
Exploding helicopter innovation
Helicopter is shot, helicopter explodes. Industry standard. Like Ronseal, it does exactly what it says on the tin.
Positives
There’s a fantastic moment during the helicopter assault when John Ryan fist-pumps the air and goes: “Yeaaah!” after blowing up a tent.
In this moment he captures the very essence of the joy implicit in firing guns and blowing up stuff. Or at least, the simple joy of watching people in films do it.
The opening scene is face-in-palm daft. Lorenzo Lamas arrives at the CIA’s weapons facility to test security, attempting to gain entry by telling the guard he wants to nip in and drop off his brother-in-law’s lunch.
If the idea of Lorenzo Lamas as some kind of sandwich chauffeur isn’t hard enough to credit, the scene also takes place in the middle of the night. I’ve heard of late lunches but this is ridiculous. Hey, Lorenzo: Worst. Excuse. Ever.
Compounding the idiocy, the guard shows not a flicker of suspicion until Lamas produces his genuine CIA identity card. Then the guard does get suspicious… You could spend a lunar month fruitlessly trying to find sense in this scene. Bonkers.
Favourite quote
“You can fall, but you can’t fly.”
Review by: Jafo
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