Godzilla

Who would have guessed that, in a movie featuring 300-foot tall, fire-breathing monsters, the most unbelievable characters would all be human?

Oh, dear. When promising newcomer Gareth Edwards was handed a £160 million budget for only his second movie – on the strength of his lo-fi (and low budget) debut hit, Monsters – hopes were high. But sadly, the Wunderkind has produced a steaming great pile of dino-plop.

Still, there is at least some good news: the monsters themselves are fabulous. They look sinister, they move convincingly and their guttural, ear-bending shrieks send a shiver down the spine. Besides Big G himself, there’s a couple of black, spindly, bird-like giants (called Mutos) who entertainingly go on a monster-sized ASBO rampage across the globe.

As for the director’s much-criticised decision to do a very slow reveal of the beasts (for the first hour, all you get are snatched half-glimpses or blurred images on TV screens), it actually works a treat. The gradual build-up of tension makes for a spectacular visual treat when the monsters are finally revealed in their full glory.

Equally, much of the disaster-style footage is spot on. A succession of images – ruined, tottering skyscrapers; battleships tossed about like bath toys; wrecked urban landscapes – really stick in the brain.

But then the actors have to go and ruin it all by speaking.

It’s true. The monsters may be levelling entire cities, but the film itself is ultimately brought down by a hokey plot, terrible dialogue and ropey acting. No-one emerges unscathed.

Bryan Cranston, afforded almost demi-god status after his turn in Breaking Bad, looks like a man who’s just realised how terrible the film is. He croaks and whines ineffectually for a bit, then wisely decides to die half an hour in.

Leading buff-boy Aaron Taylor-Johnson utters not a single memorable line, and merely bounces around from one action scene to another.

But it’s in the ‘war room’ that things really take a tumble. David Strathairn joins a bevy of lantern-jawed military types to bark out the usual guff about ‘having a visual’ and ‘needing situational awareness’.

Such scenes are rarely inspiring, but in Godzilla they are comically poor. Even the basic walking-and-talking choreography is noticeably bad. You can actually see actors stepping three paces to the left to find their mark before delivering a line. It’s desperately hammy stuff.

Ken Watanabe praying for his bowels to move

And it gets worse. Ken Watanabe, brought in to be the ‘Japanese’ guy, is little more than a cartoon. Every line he utters is a wise proverb, delivered with a pained look suggestive of constipation worries. His performance makes Cato from the Pink Panther films look nuanced.

By the time he ponderously pulls out an old time-piece (‘It…was…my father’s’) that supposedly froze at the moment Hiroshima struck, you haven’t the heart to point out a wind-up watch wouldn’t actually have stopped.

But, in a crowded field, poor Sally Hawkins carries off the worst actor accolade. Constantly fretting, worrying and semi-sobbing, she’s resembles nothing more than a modern-day Stan Laurel.

The piss-awful weakness of the human story here is strange, because the strength of the central characters’ relationship in Edwards’ Monsters was its defining quality. It all strongly suggests the studio leaned heavily on the young director to make a bland and accessible piece of pap.

All of which begs the question: why does Hollywood keep on giving blockbuster movies to auteurs? Suppose, say, someone was really skilled at flying a model airplane; you wouldn’t sit them in the cockpit of a commercial airliner and tell them to hit the thruster. But Hollywood does this all the time.

The very skills that make Edwards a good small movie-maker – strong personal vision, an ability to improvise, skilful handling of a small cast – make him a terrible fit for a baggy, committee-led blockbuster.

This point was demonstrated last year when the hugely talented visionary Guillermo del Toro managed to make the $190million Pacific Rim one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory.

Godzilla ponders the absence of a heavyweight
acting co-star

The problem is simple. A blockbuster director is a particular kind of beast – usually a high-functioning sociopath – who’s generally mad enough to take on a studio, loudly threaten to resign, Fed-Ex their own doo-doo to the company president etc. Auteurs just can’t achieve such giddy heights.

Put it this way: you probably won’t see a lo-fi indie film about disenchanted shop clerks directed by Michael Bay coming to a cinema anywhere near you soon. So why are the sensitive types taking on such huge projects, especially when the results are so consistently dire?

And be assured, no cliché is left un-mined in this tosh. Cute kid noticing the monster first? Of course. (Twice.) Loved one trapped fatally behind glass door and sharing final moments with lover? Oh, yes. Hero improbably finding himself eye-to-massive-eye with the giant monster? Yes, about five times – it’s almost like they’re dating.

Ultimately, beset by demands to make a film anyone can like, Edwards has produced something that very likely no-one will give a toss about. Ironically, he is gobbled up by his own monster movie.

Artistic merit

It’ll be no surprise to learn the chopper scene is poorly handled. Facing a monster with a reach of around 400-feet, the chopper pilot goes in shooting and flies right under its left nipple. Unsurprisingly, said beastie immediately swats chopper. Duh. What did the pilot think was going to happen?

Exploding helicopter innovation

None. Godzilla has previously destroyed helicopters in Roland Emmerich's risible 1998 franchise offering.

Positives

This scene takes place at an airport, and there’s a nice shot of the nervy airport crowd watching from behind a huge glass wall as the chopper hits a few airplanes and triggers a series of explosions.

Negatives

The short-lived monster and helicopter encounter has zero tension, and makes even less sense. Expensive, pointless, confusing: it could be a metaphor for the film as a whole.

Favourite quote

Ken Watanabe is clearly in the movie purely for the moment when he stagily turns round, panto-style, and declaims: “They call him…GOR-ZIYYA!”

Interesting fact

Despite the galumphing bad reviews for Godzilla, Gareth Edwards has just been handed the reins for the next Star Wars movie. Given the previous Star Wars trilogy featured some of the wonkiest acting on record (Hayden Christensen’s love scene with Natalie Portman regularly tops Worst Scene of All Time lists), they’ve clearly got the right man for the job.

Review by: Chopper

Still want more? Then check out Jafo discussing Godzilla with a bunch of other cool folk on The Large Association of Movie Blogs podcast on the film.

The Marksman

As a child of the eighties, Wesley Snipes has been an oddly curious presence in my life. He’s always been there, but only ever on the margin of things. In many ways, Snipes is like an estranged uncle, one who makes random appearances at birthdays and weddings, before vanishing for years without explanation.

Perhaps the reason for this peripheral existence is that despite a near 30-year career he’s never made an era-defining or life-changing film. Sure, there have been some very good ones (White Men Can’t Jump, Blade, Rising Sun), but never one for which he’ll always be famous. Today, sadly, Wee Wes is probably best known for his sudden bouts of amnesia when his tax bills were due, and for dire DTV fodder like The Marksman (2005).

The plot is straightforward. Snipes plays an out of work actor who has squandered his income and is now facing an upcoming tax bill that he cannot afford to pay. That’s not really the plot, but if it were it would be a darn sight more enjoyable than this tripe.

The actual story is thinner than wet Rizla. After Chechen terrorists take over a nuclear power station and threaten to blow it up, Snipes has to lead a team of special ops soldiers on a mission to infiltrate the complex and stop radioactive Armageddon. But before Wezzer can complete his mission, he must overcome a series of deadly action movie clichés.

First, there’s Snipes himself: a mysterious, but brilliant operative who is haunted by a mission that went tragically wrong. Then there’s the cardboard cut-out villain, a crazed Chechen warlord, who ruthlessly kills without compunction – except when he captures Snipes and his team (at which point he just ties them up so they can escape later and instigate his demise).

And finally there’s the obligatory double-cross. It turns out that the suspiciously helpful Russians are still bitter about losing the Cold War, and have been feeding the Americans false intelligence. It’s all a plot to trick Snipes and his men into blowing up the nuclear power plant. Oh! The Commie swines!

Psychic Snipes guesses the plot twist

Of course, our Wes is the only one who figures this out. Not through a deep understanding of post-Cold War geopolitics, but by repeatedly muttering, “This is too easy” whilst wandering through a forest.

Now, most films would be embarrassed about blatantly pilfering plot devices. Not so The Marksman which, having tired of copying other films, decides to dispense with the charade and just reuse bits from those actual films.

Yes, in one shameless sequence a complete section of DVD actioner Active Stealth is inserted into the film. Together with the liberal use of stock footage of jets, tanks and other heavy weaponry, The Marksman begins to resemble a badly stitched patchwork quilt. Something that roughly resembles a film, but one made of up pieces that clearly don’t go together.

And, so to the reason I endured this film for ninety, retina damaging, minutes: the exploding helicopter. Thinking they have completed the mission, our heroes head to their extraction point where they are to be choppered away to safety.

Snipes realises it’s a double cross, but too late. One of the evacuation team, who is secretly working for the Russians, drops a grenade into the waiting chopper. With only a few seconds to spare, the marines run for cover as the chopper behind them erupts into a dirty black and orange fireball.

A classic 'heroes illuminated by exploding helicopter shot'

Artistic merit

It’s a decent enough explosion. I guess it was a choice between a screenplay and a pyrotechnics expert.

Exploding helicopter innovation 

None at all. We’ve seen helicopters destroyed by grenades as far back From Russia With Love in 1963.

Positives

There is one absolutely priceless moment in the film when the senior General tasked with leading the military response asks: “Do we have any guys with real combat experience?” which is followed by an awkward silence.

Now, you might think that the world’s only military superpower would have no shortage of such experienced veterans. Incredibly, it seems Uncle Sam’s armed forces are a straw man filled with pimply faced teens who’ve never fired a shot in anger and only Wesley Snipes is qualified for the job.

Negatives

Several sequences are shot in the jerky handheld style used so effectively in the Bourne films and NYPD Blue. Unfortunately, director Marcus Adams’ efforts resemble less an edgy, cinema verite than simply a drunk dad trying to film the family barbecue on a cheap camcorder.

Favourite line

“Always bet on black.” Okay, that’s actually a line from Passenger 57, but it’s still our favourite Snipes quip.

Review by: Jindy

You can read other reviews on this film by friends of this website DTV Connoisseur and Comeuppance Reviews.

The Thaw

It’s ironic that, having made his name playing Iceman in Top Gun, Hollywood quickly went very cold on Val Kilmer.

First there was the frosty reception for his lumpen turn in Batman Forever. And when his lame reboot of 60s spy caper The Saint met with an equally chilly response, Tinseltown promptly shoved Kilmer’s career into the deep freeze and forgot about him.

Since then, Val’s attempts to once more bask in the warm glow of cinematic success have resulted only in lukewarm DTV slush. So, could this low budget chiller be the one to finally bring Val Kilmer in from the cold? In a word: no.

The Thaw (2009) sees Kilmer play Dr Kruipen, a scientist investigating the global warming crisis. While working in the Arctic, he’s made a momentous discovery with global implications. So naturally, this being a schlock-horror movie, the first thing he does – before calling the World Health Organisation or the UN – is invite four nubile teen students along to, like, check it out.

And then, after a few early scenes, he pulls a Yeti-like vanishing trick and simply disappears for most of the film. At first you hardly notice. But after a while, as you stifle yet another yawn at the panto-horror antics of the teen-bots, you’ll start questioning whether you really saw Val Kilmer at all.

Was he even in this movie? Have you perhaps confused this with another movie? After all, the only evidence for his existence lies in a few brief, blurred sightings, uncertain third-hand accounts and opening credits that state ‘Starring Val Kilmer’. It’s all a mystery. Truly, Big Val has become the Abominable Actor of Hollywood.

After the brooding one’s exit, we’re left to follow the travails of the regulation issue movie teens (frigid nerd, horny jock, babe-alicious cheerleader, earnest ‘nice’ boy) as they slowly – and witlessly – begin to comprehend the danger they’re facing.

But what is the chilling terror that our young clichés are pitted against? The answer, dear reader, is flesh-eating bugs.

Photographic evidence of Val Kilmer's presence
in this film

Our weirdo doctor has discovered an ancient, deadly parasite while defrosting the remains of a prehistoric woolly mammoth. And once thawed, these pesky critters like nothing more than burrowing under human skin, where they quickly multiply and start feasting on the flesh.

And, horror of horrors, it turns out the doc isn’t quite as nice as he doesn’t seem. Oh, no. Our boffin’s view of humanity has soured after being ignored for years (perhaps this is where Kilmer identified with the role).

His dastardly plan is to deliberately infect the naïve teens and send them back to civilisation, thus unleashing the buggy threat on the world. Although given the sex-ploits of the teens, venereal disease might well kill everyone off long before the bugs get a chance to.

As a way of getting the world’s population to listen to his message about melting ice-caps, it’s unconventional to say the least. Let’s just hope Al Gore doesn’t catch on to this one.

Matters come to a head in the final act, when Big Val finally wanders in from the snow to find his cunning plan has been rumbled.

Not to be foiled, he infects himself with the dangerous parasite and hops into a helicopter to fly back and infect the world. With all the other teens rendered into bug-food, it falls to the frigid nerd (typically the last surviving genre type in cheesy horror films) to stop the deranged doctor.

Grabbing a rifle, she fires inexpertly at the helicopter and ‘luckily’ hits the pilot in the neck, killing him. The chopper spirals out of control and whirlybirds into the Arctic base station. Boom! Both building and helicopter blow up in a massive fireball. Someone get the marshmallows.

Artistic merit

Given this is a low budget film with few frills – or thrills, for that matter – this is a commendable chopper fireball. Having the helicopter crash into the building gives the pyrotechnics boys and girls a perfect excuse to create an impressively large fireball.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Little to report, sadly. Helicopters have been destroyed in similar circumstances countless times before. Perhaps surprisingly, even the polar location of the explosion is fairly common. For previous examples see: John Carpenter’s The Thing (and its remake), TV disaster movie 2012: Ice Age, and the lamentable creature-feature Arctic Predator.

Positives

A gory, improvised, amputation has long been a staple of the horror film, and dismemberment fans will are in for a treat with The Thaw.

After being bitten on the arm, one hapless teen agree to have their arm unceremoniously chopped off to stop the infection spreading. Fortunately, there’s a big meat cleaver handy.

Unfortunately, the wimpy teen wielding it is afraid of blood. They initially bungle the amputation necessitating repeated, gruesome, blows to finally sever the limb. Given a choice, they should probably have left his arm to the bugs. They’d have made a cleaner job.

Negatives

Talking of plot standbys, where would these films be without the scene where one character realises they’ve left something crucial behind? Sure enough, this hoary old plot device here is creaked into dishonourable service once again here.

After trapping the parasites in a laboratory, the gang realise they’ve left vital evidence of the conspiracy in the room. Cue a predictably frantic escapade into the room to retrieve said device.

Tag line

The somewhat meaningless: “Extinction will find you.”

Interesting fact

William B Davis, better known as the ‘smoking man’ from The X-Files, briefly pops up as a talking head in a TV clip.

The truth is out there, but the entertainment certainly isn’t in here.

Review by: Jafo

The LEGO Movie

Of all the places you'd expect to find an exploding helicopter, The Lego Movie (2014) is perhaps not the most obvious - a surprise moment in a surprisingly enjoyable film. This is despite, on the face of it, looking like it's a recipe for disaster.

Littered with cameo appearances, parodies of much-loved film characters, and a repeatedly-played annoying sounding song, this looked like it was going to be a gruelling 100 minutes.

Emmet (voiced by Chris Pratt) is just an everyday generic Lego construction worker. He lives in a world where every day is the same and everything operates like clockwork. Everyone follows the instructions of their overly-chirpy leader, President Business, watches the latest episode of a repetitive sitcom and joins in a daily singalong of 'Everything Is Awesome'.

But all is not as it seems. President Business is actually the evil Lord Business (voiced by Will Ferrell), who has grown tired of a rogue band of rebels (led, sort of, by Vituvius, voiced by the Almighty Morgan Freeman) that like to construct Lego in their own more interesting way.

Business plots to end the plastic brick universe as we know it by unleashing an ancient relic - the Kragle - to cement all the Lego blocks in place - permanently. The only thing that can stop this evil OCD plan is The Piece of Resistance (a seemingly plain bit of red plastic) that a prophesied special one will pick up. That someone turns out to be Emmet.

With the help of Vitruvius, Wyldstyle (voiced by Elizabeth Banks), Batman (voiced  by Will Arnett) and other Lego characters from the last few decades, Emmet must escape capture by Business's two-faced cop (voiced by Liam Neeson) and save the universe.

The plot is so utterly bonkers it's like a child wrote it, but it actually holds together extremely well. The screenplay and direction come courtesy of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, the minds behind the similarly mad Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.

It's easy to dismiss the film just as a cynical money generating exercise to get kids' to mass-purchase Lego (which they certainly will), but the film is full of heart and subtle comedy. And frankly it was a great film for nostalgia too. As someone that grew up with Lego (pirate ship and governor's fort, Robin Hood set, random spaceman set etc), the appearance of past Lego characters were a nice addition.

Crazy plot, a world made of Lego, engaging characters, and an exploding helicopter to boot? Yes indeed, everything is awesome. The helicopter explosion occurs when Emmet is pursued by Bad Cop's police squadron. Making for what appears to be the edge of their world (a big wall) it seems there's nowhere to escape to. But wait! A gateway appears just at the right time for the escapees to speed into. This promptly closes - with the pursuant cars smashing into the wall. A moment later, the police helicopter follows them into the wall, before falling on top of the cars - causing a smattering of flaming wreckage.

Artistic merit

This fireball marked the end of a decent chase scene, where Lego pieces fly everywhere. The explosion is pleasingly understated - just a simple crash and fall into some other Lego pieces, with a dash of flames.

Exploding helicopter innovation

This is undoubtedly the inaugural cinematic Lego chopper explosion.

Do passengers survive? 

Inconclusive. For starters, there didn't seem to be any resultant melting, which from my childhood experience usually happens with the addition of fire to Lego. There is death in the film though, with one character returning as the classic ghost Lego Man, however there were no other ghosts visible on screen.

Positives

Chris McKay, who is best known for his work on Robot Chicken, was also involved in the film which might help to explain why I found it so hilarious. There are some particularly good scenes where Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill voice Superman and the overly attentive/annoying Green Lantern, notoriously one of the lamest of superheroes. Superman' discomfort is a pleasure to watch. But really Batman steals the show - Will Arnett is straight in above Kilmer & Clooney on the Best Batman list.

Negatives

One of the random highlights features a scene where the Millennium Falcon pops up. It's a really small scene, with a really small number of lines. Anthony Daniels voices C3P0, and Billy Dee Williams voices Lando. Han Solo is disappointingly not voiced by Harrison Ford, who the directors described as "too busy" to record one or two lines for that scene. Sadly, Ford wasn't too busy to appear in last year's woeful Ender's Game.

Favourite quote 

Batman: "I only work in black...and sometimes very, very dark grey."

Interesting fact 

It's Morgan Freeman's very first appearance in an animated film. Which given he seems to add his voice to virtually everything is rather surprising to find out.

Review by: Joseph Clift

A View To A Kill

The one thing that really strikes you when watching A View To A Kill (1985) is just how old Roger Moore looks.  

Whatever your thoughts on the relative merits (or otherwise) of Sir Roger’s portrayal of the world’s leading upper-class psycho-thug, you can’t deny that he made the role his own, and to a generation or two, he was Bond. But here, his craggy features and greying hair almost overshadow his 'double 0' swansong. Not that there’s a great deal to overshadow. 

That's because A View To A Kill encapsulates most of what was wrong with ‘classic’ era Bond: dull storyline, terrible humour, whiney, screaming Bond girls and good actors wasted in villainous roles. 

The plot, such as it is, sees Bond uncover a scheme by the usual, foreign sounding bad-guy, Max Zorin. For reasons the film never bothers to explain, he plans to do some unspecified skulduggery having just designed a microchip capable of withstanding an electromagnetic pulse (a plot point the writers liked so much they revived it for Goldeneye). Quite why MI6 consider this a problem is unclear; surely the government would want to cut a deal with the guy for some fat juicy military contracts?

So, Bond is sent to Paris, because he’s never been there before. After mingling with some French stereotypes, he has lunch up the Eiffel Tower (not a euphemism) before watching Grace Jones skydive off the spindly iron landmark and smash up a Renault 5 (the least sexy Bond car ever).  

Later Bond pays his obligatory visit to the villain's mansion and stud farm (fnarr!) and new characters are introduced to advance the plot. Events continue to happen for no other reason than this is a Bond movie.  

Now, I can accept the 007 films have a successful formula, but this is so by-the-numbers it could be a kids TV show: Bond meets a woman, Bond snoops around, Bond fights a henchman, Bond escapes death because someone decides to engineer an elaborate demise rather than simply shooting him, and so on.  

Moore looking every one of his 57 years

But to make matters worse, having exhausted the Gallic scenery the action moves to San Francisco where the whole French section gets effectively replayed: Bond meets a woman, Bond snoops around.... It's like Groundhog Day remade as a spy film.

Which is a shame, because interesting ideas are cruelly dangled in front of us before being quickly whisked away (like the lovely Fiona Fullerton). There’s a mildly diverting interlude where Zorin torches an entire building to kill Bond, but it’s not long before we have another derivative and pointless car chase. Still at least this one gets everyone to the finale, where Bond discovers that Zorin is going to destroy Silicon Valley to corner the market in microchips… seriously. The whole sorry mess ends with Bond and Zorin having a pretty novel fight atop the Golden Gate Bridge (complete with exploding blimp!). 

All told, A View To A Kill just doesn’t work. We are firmly in deus ex machina territory here, so rather than anticipating events or investigating them Bond just finds himself in the right place at the right time, over and over again. 

The whole film is basically an eighties retread of Goldfinger, even down to the ‘hoods convention’ scene complete with rotating diorama, but with none of the charm, innovation and pizzazz of the earlier film. There’s a fair bit of action, but it’s all marred by the inclusion of schoolboy humour: the use of a Beach Boys sound-a-like playing California Girls as Bond snow-surfs away from some baddies is a series low.  

The Golden Gate climax features some fantastic stunt work, as two stuntmen really do fight on top of the bridge (but were forbidden to actually throw punches), but once again the good work is undone by the accompanying dodgy back projection. And the less said about shagger Roge's shower scene with Tanya Roberts the better. 

Still, it's not all bad. Christopher Walken is rather brilliant as Zorin, clearly enjoying, nay relishing, the opportunity to have fun with a character who is so poorly written.  He also produces one of the most truly shocking moments I’ve ever seen in a PG rated movie, as he and a lackey mow down hundreds of mine workers with Uzis.  

Grace Jones: best henchperson of the Moore tenure

Stacey, too, is dreadfully written, but as Roberts is not an Oscar-winning actor, she just resorts to channeling the spirit of Britt Ekland and screaming “James!” whenever the dialogue runs out (which is frequently). The surprise casting highlight is Grace Jones as Zorin’s henchperson Mayday. Easily the most compelling physical nemesis of the Moore tenure (yes, even Jaws) Jones belies her lack of acting depth by producing a genuine character performance, and one which actually progresses throughout the story.

It’s a sad fact that Moore, like Connery before him, and Brosnan would after, went out on a low. It's easy to think A View to a Kill would have been better with another - crucially younger - actor playing Bond. However, given the campy tone, Moore is actually the perfect Bond for the movie. The real problem is this is just an awful movie, and it's tragic that Moore's finale in the role saw him forced to creak his way through so many sub-Benny Hill gags.  

But, whatever the flaws there's still an exploding helicopter to enjoy, and this one's right up front in the film, finishing off the pre-credits sequence. Before Bond can have his first shag of the day he has to escape some goons who are pursuing him through snowy wastes. 

We're treated to a ski-chase which have been a feature of Bond films from as far back as On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Having shaken off most of his pursuers, a circling helicopter causes our hero some bother. Finding himself without a weapon Roge improvises and fires a flare gun at the whirlybird. As it cockpit fills with smoke, the pilot loses control and crashes into an icy cliff wall.   

Artistic merit 

It’s a nice combination of miniatures, full-size and composites, with the explosion itself towering over a Siberian (actually Icelandic) vista. 

Exploding helicopter innovation  

The Bond producers like to boast about they always try to give the audience the familiar, but in a way they’ve never seen before. It’s fair to say that in 1985 using a flare gun to blind the helicopter pilots was pretty original. Bond also discovers a new element: bulletproof snow. 

Do passengers survive?  

Not a chance, even though they had a couple of opportunities to jump out, as the helicopter bounced around the ground a few times. Maybe they were taking tips from Bond himself, who failed to leap from the Blofeld-controlled chopper at the start of For Your Eyes Only when he had the chance. 

Positives  

The whole snow bound sequence, despite not being anywhere near the best in the series, is the highlight of the movie, comedy musical accompaniment aside. John Barry also effectively recycles his theme from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, creating a brilliant, exciting recurring theme for the movie. 

Negatives  

I never had a problem with Bond mowing down hordes of faceless boiler-suited goons, but when he’s murdering people who are just doing their job in their own country (Bond kills a couple of Russian soldiers) it leaves a sour taste.  

Given the diplomatic brouhaha he caused by storming an embassy in Casino Royale, I would imagine killing troops in their own country would get him something more than a slap on the wrist. It’s also not the most secret way for a secret agent to behave. 

Favourite line 

“You amuse me, Mr Bond”. Not so much the line, but Walken’s delivery is exemplary. You can tell he’s waited his whole life to say dialogue like that. 

Interesting fact  

The producers’ first choice for Max Zorin… David Bowie. That could have been brilliant, but it means we would never have had Walken.

Review by: Joe Scaramanga

You can read more of Joe's work on his own website Now, That's What I Call A Music Blog as he journeys through 30 years of Now compilations. 

Resident Evil: Retribution

Impervious to criticism, immune to public opinion, and seemingly impossible to stop, the Resident Evil franchise lumbers relentlessly onwards in a manner uncannily similar to the zombies which populate its films.

Staggering into cinemas in 2002, the first instalment was met by near universal indifference. Since then, each successive film has received the kind of critical clobbering that would normally kill off anything living and breathing. Yet, like the undead, sequels have continued to rise from the grave with chilling regularity.

So, why won’t this series just lie down and die? Hard as it is to believe, the Resident Evil films have raked in a mind-boggling $1bn in global box office. No wonder instalment number six is set to lurch into cinemas later this year.

Here, we’re interested in outing number five, Resident Evil: Retribution (2012). The story picks up from the end of ResEvil: Afterlife, with Alice (Milla Jovovich) a prisoner of the evil Umbrella Corporation - the rogue bio-weapons company responsible for the zombie plague. Held in a secret underground facility, Jovovich must escape from the complex if she‘s to defeat Umbrella, save the human race, and star in the upcoming sixth film.

Given there’s no mystery in whether Jovovich will succeed in her task, the only puzzle worth pondering is how to explain the franchise’s continuing appeal? Well, Exploding Helicopter has thought long and hard on these matters and can explain in just two words: Milla Jovovich.

Yup, there’s really only one reason to watch these films and it’s to see the reigning Queen of kick-butt. Action cinema is seriously short of ass-kicking heroines and Milla’s films are about the only place you can watch a scantily-clad former supermodel wreak havoc with John Woo gunplay and Matrix-inspired martial arts.

As a screen presence, she rather reminds me of Clint Eastwood. They both confront danger with the same intense impassivity, and Jovovich’s low, husky, croak is reminiscent of squinty-eyed Clint’s gravelly whisper in Dirty Harry. We’re just waiting for MJ to announce a ‘hilarious’ comedy with a pet orang-utan to complete the impression.

Now, one of the undisputed pleasures of franchise films is seeing how characters from previous films will be incorporated into the story. You only need look at the casting in the Fast & Furious series which operates like a greatest hits album with the most popular actors from previous entries packaged together for another money-spinning outing. However, ResEvil: Retribution takes this getting-the-gang-back together ethos to a new mind-mangling level.

Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory), Rain (Michelle Rodriguez), Shade (Colin Salmon) and Carlos (Oded Fahr) - who all appeared in previous films as good guys - are confusingly resurrected as villains. Meanwhile Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts) the villain of Resident Evil: Afterlife is - in a barely explained plot twist - now a goodie. For an idea of how ridiculous that all is, imagine sitting down to watch a new Avengers movie only to find Iron Man battling the Hulk, Captain America and Hawkeye for no discernible reason.

Jill Valentine: Can you remind me what side you're on?

Even for a hardened ResEvil veteran it’s hard not to feel anything other than utterly lost. And it’s a feeling that isn’t helped by the fact nothing resembling an actual plot occurs until half an hour into the film. Still, while we wait for the story proper to begin, there is at least an exploding helicopter to keep us entertained.

In a flashback to the events which led to her imprisonment, Milla is aboard a freighter which comes under attack from a fleet of Umbrella helicopters. Returning fire with her machine guns, Milla shoots the pilot of one chopper as it heads straight towards her. With the pilot dead, the helicopter careens towards the deck of the ship, crashes and explodes.

Artistic merit

No complaints about the actual helicopter explosions. The Resident Evil films always have a decent budget so the special effects are up to scratch.

What I will grumble about is that we only get to see one chopper explode. During this sequence the sky is thick with Umbrella whirlybirds and an excellent opportunity for a record breaking display of chopper conflagrations is lamentably missed.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Given this is sci-fi, the helicopters in Resident Evil universe are suitably futuristic with two distinctive rotor blades on the end of short wings. However, whilst you get to see a unique looking helicopter blow-up the method and style is yawn-inducingly familiar.

Positives

Milla Jovovich memorably announced herself in film by falling butt naked into Bruce Willis’ taxi in The Fifth Element. Since then she’s made frequent costume-less appearances in her films. It’s no different here, where in one scene she appears to be wearing a small tea-towel with no visible means of support.

Negatives

The first 30 minutes are - in hindsight - entirely pointless. Essentially a drug induced dream experienced by Milla Jovovich’s character, they have absolutely no relationship to the rest of the film. Bizarre.

Favourite quote

Milla summarises the plot for this, and perhaps every zombie movie ever made: “A lot of people died. Trouble was they didn’t stay dead.”

Interesting fact

Apparently this is the first film in the series to not feature zombie dogs. I know, I was disappointed too.

Review by: Jafo

Unstoppable

Wesley Snipes is unstoppable.

Certainly anyone who's watched him hurtle from acclaimed Spike Lee dramas in the eighties, to B-list nineties action fodder, to noughties DTV ordure, would have wondered whether anything could halt the downwards trajectory of his career.

But then something did: the US tax authorities. After government bean counters discovered the former Blade star was as handy at disposing his tax receipts as he was vampires, the diminutive star found himself facing three years in jail for fraud in 2010.

The jail term was a shame because, no matter what guff he appears in (and he's a past master of badly-chosen projects), our Wes is a charismatic screen presence and a stylish martial artist.

He can execute classy karate kills and deliver a page of dialogue without sounding like he was attempting to read a Korean telephone directory (although, given the lengthy careers of serial dialogue manglers Schwarzenegger, Van Damme and Stallone have enjoyed, it’s a skill Hollywood curiously doesn’t value).

Sadly there is little scope here for wee Wes to flex his acting muscles. Far from being Unstoppable (2004), this film more resembles a rusty old banger - hardly capable of cranking out of second gear and prone to frequent stalling.

Snipes plays an ex-special forces badass who - through a case of mistaken identity - finds himself at the centre of a plot to steal an experimental and lethal hallucinogenic. Before you can say 'very unlikely-sounding plot development', Wes is accidentally injected with the fatal and mind-bending drug. Our favourite vampire-botherer is now left with just six hours to locate the antidote and clear his name before the pursuing villains and CIA can catch him. .

But even more deadly threats - particularly from the audience's point of view - swiftly emerge in the form of a lacklustre script, bland direction, and anonymous co-stars. As the main baddie, Stuart Wilson (who you’ll dimly remember as the villain in The Mask Of Zorro) exudes all the Machiavellian skulduggery of a photocopier salesman.

Meanwhile Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje - who memorably oozed raw visceral menace as prison kingpin Adebisi in the TV series Oz - is straight-jacketed in the role of a dull CIA officer. Exploding Helicopter spent most of the film wishing they were playing each other’s roles. Perhaps someone just muddled their scripts.

Snipes: on an unstoppable career slide

Such casting aberrations might have been forgiven if Snipes had at least been given an occasional opportunity to pulp the faces of his no-mark co-stars. Disappointingly, bar a brief early scene, Snipes’ superlative martial arts abilities are pitifully under-employed. The story requires him to do little more than run away from different protagonists. It's a pity he didn't run as fast when they showed him the script.

Perhaps, as he sat in his prison cell, Snipes reflected on how such feeble fare as this movie (not to mention some less than comprehensive accounting) has brought his career to a standstill. Released from clink last year, Wesley will shortly be trying to re-boot his acting mojo with a role in the third Expendables movie. Let’s just hope he keeps all his receipts this time.

But Exploding Helicopter digresses. We’re less concerned with actors destroying their own careers than we are with whether they blow-up helicopters during them. And chopper conflagration enthusiasts have one to savour near the end of this film.

After tracking the villain to a private airport, Snipes attempts to steal the antidote he needs but fails. A gun battle breaks out and Wesley looks doomed when he finds himself pinned down by the villains in a heavily armed helicopter.

But wait! Wasn’t there a seemingly redundant expository scene earlier in the film which revealed that our boy was a crack shot? And isn’t that a high-powered sniper rifle Wezzer’s just snatched off a dead goon? Before you can say, “That’s a mightily convenient series of coincidences especially as one well-placed shot to the fuel tank would blow this chopper to smithereens,“ Snipes has, well, you can guess the rest.

Artistic merit

We like our helicopter explosions served like a good steak: juicy, bloody and rare.

What’s dished up is certainly meaty and juicy as the fireball is spectacularly big. And there can be no complaints about it being bloody as everyone onboard is incinerated. However……

Exploding helicopter innovation

…….juicy and bloody this chopper fireball may be, but it’s certainly not rare. The method of destruction, indeed the whole scenario was rather mundane and everyday. More frying steak than filet mignon.

Positives 

Kim Coates: enlivens a dull film

Amidst a sea of unmemorable performances one actor does manage to distinguish themselves: Kim Coates.

Specialising in sleaze balls and petty thugs, Coates has briefly illuminated a lot of very average films (and no small number of complete duds) during a 20 year career.

With striking pale grey eyes he always commands attention onscreen and is blessed with the ability to appear simultaneously menacing and vulnerable. Unfortunately, whilst Coates gamely tries to add some spark to the film, the script acts as a giant fire blanket and smothers his efforts.

Negatives

A dispiriting ennui pervades this film. It’s as if everyone involved knew this film was never going to amount to anything.

Unable or unwilling to rouse themselves, everybody apart from Coates listlessly goes through the motions. It ends up being the worst of all possible worlds. Neither good nor bad, it is the dictionary definition of average (I know, I‘ve checked).

Interesting fact

I wish there was one. Unsurprisingly though there isn’t.

Tagline

“You can’t stop the man who will stop at nothing.”

Review by: Jafo

If you want to read more check out DTV Connoisseur's review of Unstoppable.