The Matrix

As Churchill almost said: never in the field of contemporary cinema has so much [money] been given for so few [facial expressions].

Ah, Keanu. It’s easy now to forget just how big a deal The Matrix was when it came out: the sharp outfits, the blistering special effects, the quasi-mystical plot, the enigmatic director brothers.

The movie was a phenomenon so huge even Keanu’s balsa-wood presence couldn’t sink it. And when it emerged the boy’s profit-share deal meant he’d made £56 million for sleep-walking his way through a few dozen scenes of wonky dialogue and indifferent kung fu, that – if anything – only seemed even more impressive.

The plot, while bonkers, certainly has ambition. It suggests the real world is a ravaged post-apocalyptic wasteland, where dastardly machines live off the electrochemical energy of cocooned and comatose humans. The world we think we live in is actually just an artificial reality – a jumped up computer game – known as the Matrix.

Keanu plays a computer hacker (Neo Anderson) recruited by a tiny band of rebels who know the truth and are fighting to overthrow the evil robots. They are led by Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), who thinks Neo may be the mystical ‘one’ prophesised to save them all. Like, woah dude.

The rebels ‘wake’ Keanu from his gloopy cocoon and reveal to him the real future world, a desolate rockscape with no signs of human life. Except presumably a branch of All Saints, going by the trendily distressed clothes they all seem to wear.

Morpheus puts Neo through a vigorous training regime, involving lots of gun-play, leaping tall buildings and implausibly-fast kung fu. These all occur within a virtual computer programme where participants appear as idealised versions of themselves. (Keanu’s ‘real’ shaved head, for example, is replaced by his lustrous bouffant). All of which begs the question: why has Laurence still got a big gut sticking out his karate pyjamas?

It’s fascinating to trace the Fishburne weight trajectory throughout his cinematic career. The ripped, powerful father figure of Boyz in the Hood has started to swell out impressively by this movie, giving Big Lol’s participation in action scenes a slightly strained effect.

Inevitably, as the Matrix franchise took off and the bucks flew in, he just got bigger. By Matrix: Revolutions, only Steven Seagal could hold a candle to him in the comedy-fat-man-doing-kung-fu stakes, and edits of the fight ‘action’ became so rapid epileptics were reputedly scared to step into the auditorium.

Incidentally, Big Laurence has a priceless cameo in the recent Predators revamp, playing a veteran who’s been hiding from the monsters for months in a disused spaceship. When asked how he’s survived Big Lol, chins swinging and belly straining at a tent-like hessian smock, stirs a watery-looking soup and replies: ‘On whatever scraps I can find.’ (Deliciously, the Schwarznegger hero figure in this scene is Adrien Brody, an actor who presumably had to ‘bulk up’ for his turn as a WW2 ghetto inmate in The Pianist.)

Still, there’s much to love in this film. The baddies are great – all cynicism, shades and sharp suits – and chief villain Agent Smith’s refrain (‘Miss-ter Ain-der-sunn...’) is still good fun. There’s loads of inventive visual trickery and the trademark Matrix special effect (someone jumps in the air, then the camera travels round them in slo-mo) was a real game-changer.

Despite – possibly because of – its earnest ridiculousness, The Matrix is stomping good fun. And the fact that the two sequels were, and let’s not mince words here, arse-clenchingly bad doesn’t detract from the genuine inventiveness on display in this first outing.



Artistic merit

Not bad. Three agents have Morpheus chained to a chair in a skyscraper, when Keanu pops up in an open-sided helicopter and empties a howitzer into the room. Big Lol jumps from the building and the chopper swings away, Keanu dangling from a rope with one hand and holding onto his mentor with the other.

The chopper is piloted by Trinity (poor Carrie Ann Moss who was shortly to find that, like the matrix itself, her acting career didn’t really exist). As she veers off, Agent Smith holes the fuel tank and helicopter mayhem looks inevitable.

But wait! Keanu lands himself and Morpheus safely onto a skyscraper roof then, holding the rope, actually slows the descent of the chopper. Meanwhile, Trinity detaches the other end of the rope and, as the the faltering machine finally hits a building, swings away from the explosion. Huzzah!

Does the passenger survive?

Trinity does indeed climb to safety and into Keanu’s waiting ‘guns’. It’s a fine example of the infrequently seen helicopter-explosion-survival-scenario.

Positives

It’s all done rather well. When the chopper first hits the skyscraper, the building itself morphs and semi-envelops it – as a reminder we’re in the matrix – which is a nice touch. There’s also a neat overhead shot of the rotor blade actually buckling against the building in slo-mo and a great image of Trinity swinging towards the camera as the chopper explodes behind her.

Negatives

The one obvious letdown is asking us to believe that Neo, for all his power, would be able to hold on to Laurence Fishburne with one hand. Or two, for that matter.

Favourite quote

‘Woah.’ You’ll never guess who said that.

Interesting fact

Famously, Keanu made even more squazillions for the lamentable Reload and Revolutions – reputedly over £200 million – despite looking barely conscious for much of them. In terms of actual work input, he’s perhaps the only professional in recent memory to make Fred Goodwin look good value for money.

Review by: Chopper

Still want more? Then check out the Exploding Helicopter podcast review of The Matrix on Podomatic, iTunes, YourListen or Stitcher.

The Peacemaker

Who remembers The Peacemaker (1997)? It was, as you’ve doubtless forgotten the first offering from DreamWorks – the new Hollywood studio founded by Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. 

They were three of the biggest names in the entertainment firmament. They were going to tear up the old, stale, Hollywood production system and create multimedia entertainment fit for the new millennium. Then they gave us The Peacemaker (1997). A beige little film that was a triumph only of blandness. Oh dear. 

Opening in a church in war-torn Bosnia we witness a mysterious assassination. Next, we see a rogue Russian general stealing a train loaded with nuclear warheads. He plans to use them to obliterate the UN building in New York. The only people that can stop him are nuclear scientist (Nicole Kidman) and a maverick, special forces soldier (George Clooney). 

All of which sounds like familiar thriller territory and not the new dawn in entertainment DreamWorks had promised. Aside from the cooker-cutter storyline, it’s the protagonists - poorly constructed plastic characters - that really grate here. The two leads are textbook ‘chalk and cheese’ characters who struggle to relate to each other before predictably realising that they hold the same values underneath.

That would be fine, but the problem is that both leads fail even to make the grade of functional stereotypes. Clooney, supposedly a roguish, maverick army lieutenant (as if such a thing exists) simply comes across as a solid, dependable, military man. More John Major than John Rambo.

Kidman’s character is just as poorly constructed. After witnessing Clooney kill a bad guy, she is initially shocked and traumatised. Minutes later, she's gazing moodily out of a car window, wearing her best ‘Am I bovvered’ expression as George mechanically mows down a vehicle full of terrorists.

In fact, Clooney and Kidman appear to be acting in totally different films – neither of them particularly good. 

Anyway, to the main business at hand: the exploding helicopter. Chasing the rogue General, Clooney and his special forces extras, sorry I mean team, have to illegally enter Russian airspace in three helicopters. The Russkies activate their air defences and fire a surface-to-air missile that neatly catches the middle chopper plum on the nose. “Instant chopper fireball,” as Alan Partridge would say.

Artistic merit 

It’s a good explosion, with the chopper clinically picked off before plummeting out of sight. Disappointingly though, the camera doesn’t linger on the devastation and simply moves on. Director Mimi Leder clearly isn’t an exploding helicopter enthusiast.

Exploding helicopter innovation

None. I think it’s fair to say surface-to-air missiles have knocked out many a rotor blade, probably quite a few over Russian airspace.

Positives 

The Peacemaker is a monument to the fact that no-one is perfect. It’s nice to know that, like the bottom drawer of my bedside cabinet, Clooney and Kidman also have things they are probably ashamed of. 

Negatives 

In one scene we get to see Clooney in shapeless cream slacks and a baggy polo shirt. Even an action star like Sir Roger Moore in his prime 007 pomp would have baulked at that.

2012: Ice Age

“Wow.”
“Use words, Nelson.”
“I don’t think I can.”

This brief exchange of dialogue neatly sums up the brain-numbed stupefaction I felt after watching 2012: Ice Age, a typically poor ‘mockbuster’ from those masters of the art, The Asylum.

The film owes a huge debt – not least for copyright infringement – to Roland Emmerich. Having pinched the title to his end is nigh blockbuster 2012, the film then shamelessly ransacks the plot of his earlier disaster opus The Day After Tomorrow.

The apocalyptic storyline involves volcanic activity in the Arctic, which causes colossal glaciers to head towards America at 200mph. Yes, 200mph. I just wish the film had moved at a similar speed rather than its interminable, endurance sapping crawl.

Unlike Emmerich’s films, 2012: Ice Age forsakes awe-inspiring special effects in favour of human drama – not least because that’s infinitely cheaper than expensive CGI wizardry. Its doomsday scenario revolves around the Hart family’s efforts to rescue their daughter from New York, which is slap bang in the path of the ominous, oncoming glacier.

Such is their overwhelming love for their progeny, Dad, mum and irritating teenage son are compelled to jump in a car and drive eight hours to the Big Apple, telling their daughter to wait for them at her apartment. They then risk life and limb making a cross-country dash as violent arctic storms and plunging temperatures precede the glacier’s advance.

Fortunately for the Harts, however, the success of their journey appears preordained, as they seem unable to encounter the merest difficulty without finding yet another car with the keys conveniently left in the ignition. Such acts of good fortune are mere trifles though, compared to the biblical miracle that occurs later.

The Hart’s receive a garbled phone call from their daughter, who tells them she can’t stay at her apartment. With no information as to where their daughter could now be, the Harts push on regardless to the disaster-struck city of 20 million people. “We’ll find some sort of clue,” Papa Hart assures his brood.

After arriving in New York, reality momentarily intrudes on the plot, and they temporarily fail to find any clues. Without a plan worthy of the name, they fall back on a disaster movie failsafe and simply run around shouting their daughter’s name.

With icy Armageddon enveloping New York and the streets of the sprawling metropolis filled with panicking citizens, one might be sceptical about the potential for success with this strategy. Oh, cynical you. Naturally, their daughter happens to be within earshot and the family are happily reunited in minutes. Just to re-cap: the Harts enter the equivalent of three Londons during a world-ending panic and finding someone in two minutes. By shouting. Nice.

Now, as distracting as this preposterous sequence of events is, a nagging thought may be troubling you. And it’s this: why didn’t the Harts just tell their daughter to leave New York, and use all that time she spent twiddling her thumbs to get safely away from the forthcoming disaster zone? I don’t know either, and I’ve bloody watched this rubbish.

Anyway, while all this is playing out, the US military declares war on the glacier. The newly christened ‘war on ice’ sees the super-power’s entire arsenal mobilised to halt the icy advance. Never in the field of human conflict has so much firepower been used against a giant ice cube. I almost wanted to chant “U.S.A, U.S.A...”

The military response gives the filmmakers the perfect excuse to add a chopper fireball to the ‘end of days’ action, when a military helicopter is hit by icy debris following another bombing run on the glacier.

Artistic merit

Low. If you’re familiar with The Asylum’s film output you’ll know what kind of CGI quality to expect – broadly akin to an child‘s crayoned drawing that‘s been crudely animated.

The chopper pilot makes the all-too-familiar error of hovering too close to the blast zone. Realising his fate, he meets his doom with a heroic, impassive stoicism. Either that, or he can’t act.


Exploding helicopter innovation

First known destruction of a helicopter by flying ice cubes.

Positives

There’s one hugely enjoyable scene in the film, albeit for the wrong reasons. The Harts encounter a family stuck by the roadside, who will freeze to death unless they’re picked up.

Papa Hart compassionately argues they should let the family come with them, even if it means being diverted from the task of reaching their daughter.

Mama Hart selfishly insists they can’t afford to be distracted from their goal, even if it means a chilly demise for the poor unfortunates. This fascinating moral quandary is unexpectedly ended when, as they continue to bicker, a giant chunk of ice falls from the sky, squashing the family to death.

The Harts drive on. The incident isn’t mentioned again.

Negatives

But for some bungled directing, there could well have been two exploding helicopters in this film.

As the volcanic activity rips the arctic ice shelf apart, a scientist idiotically hovers too close to the sulphurous emissions and appears to lose control of the chopper.

Just as you’re expecting to discover the grisly fate of the pilot and the helicopter, the action cuts away, never to return.

Favourite quote

“So, you’ve declared war on the glacier?”
“That’s right.”

Review by: Jafo

Darkman

I never read comics as a kid, so I’ve always felt at a disadvantage when watching the latest big screen adaptation. Shorn of any background knowledge, it was as if a level of enjoyment was always going to be denied to me.

So, in that respect, Darkman should be perfect for me. Unable to secure the rights to The Shadow, director Sam Raimi created his own tragic hero hell bent on vengeance. In every respect it’s a comic book adaptation, just without being actually based on one.

Peyton Westlake (Liam Neeson) is a scientist trying to create synthetic skin. When his journalist girlfriend Julie uncovers a dodgy property deal, shady thugs led by violent criminal Robert Durant (Larry Drake) try to stop her writing about the story.

Westlake is confronted by Durant and his goons. He’s tortured and left for dead when his laboratory is blown up. Only Westlake survives, horribly disfigured and unable to feel pain.

With the world thinking him dead, Westlake vows vengeance. Using his knowledge of synthetic skin, he creates lifelike masks of Durant’s henchmen allowing him to infiltrate Durant’s gang, and search for the mastermind behind the conspiracy.

The story arc could be drawn from any classic DC Comic series, and is given some dramatic ballast by Westlake’s attempt to re-establish his relationship with Julie. But while the plot has all the right ingredients, it always feels somewhat less than the sum of its parts.

Maybe it’s because, aside from Westlake’s personal revenge, all that is at stake is the success of a property deal. And really, it’s too hard to care much about that.

Still there’s other things for us to care about, in this case the small matter of two exploding helicopters.

As the film moves towards the climax Westlake is hunted by Durant who, armed with a grenade launcher is buzzing around in a helicopter. Westlake tries to board the chopper, but is beaten off. It looks as if he’s going to plunge to his death, but he grabs onto a rope hanging from the helicopter.

Durant starts firing the grenade launcher indiscriminately at Westlake who’s continuing to dangle from the rope. A police helicopter spots the carnage and gives chase, only for Durant to take care of it with his heavy weaponry.

This leaves Durant free to finish off Westlake. They try to drop him in front of some oncoming traffic, but this only allows Westlake to attach the rope to the top a truck that‘s conveniently about to enter a tunnel. Unable to gain altitude the helicopter smashes into the entrance of the tunnel.



Artistic merit

We always like to see a lengthy helicopter sequence at the finale of a film, and this is a doozy. The coup de grace comes with two excellent pre-CGI helicopter explosions.

I particularly enjoyed how the wreckage of the second helicopter is towed into the tunnel by the lorry as it’s still attached to the line which dragged it to it’s doom.

Number of exploding helicopters

Two.

Exploding helicopter innovation

You have to admire Westlake’s improvisation in a tight spot when he attaches the line on the helicopter to the lorry. There’s a similar scene in Tomorrow Never Dies and Derailed, however, Darkman is the earliest example we’ve seen yet of downing a chopper by securing it to another vehicle.

Positives

There’s some actors I always think of as being old, so the surprise here is getting to see a youthful Liam Neeson in the film‘s lead role. Yet oddly he still looks kind of middle-aged.

Regardless, Neeson brings his usual bored solemnity to the role. Quite how he has managed to maintain a career as a Hollywood leading man eludes me.

Negatives

Frances McDormand cuts an unsympathetic love interest in this one. Apparently Julie Roberts and Bridget Fonda were both lined up for the role at various points. McDormand was only drafted in at the last minute and was apparently a pain in the balls to work with. It shows.

Interesting fact

Sam Raimi regular Bruce Campbell appears briefly in a cameo at the end of the film.

Review by: Jafo

Derailed

If you ever want to understand how an action star’s lustre has dimmed, just count the number of euro thrillers on their CV.

Around the turn of the millennium, an entire generation of Eighties action heroes were deported en masse to Eastern Europe. Unable to trouble the American box office, they were first forced into direct to video exile, and then condemned to ply their trade in Europe’s far flung corners - where cheaper production costs made it possible to eke out a living while dignity quietly evaporated.

Derailed (2002) marks Jean Claude Van Damme’s first foray into this twilight existence - a title, which, with the benefit of hindsight, doubles as an eerily accurate description of his career at this point. 

Filmed in Bulgaria but set in Slovakia (naturally), Van Damme plays Jack Christoff, an intelligence agent tasked with escorting a spy (Laura Harring) carrying a biological weapon across the border.

With airports under surveillance, our heroes opt to “let the train take the strain”. Unfortunately, sharing the journey are a group of terrorists eager to steal the bio weapon, and Van Damme’s own family, who choose this exact moment - through astonishingly ill timed spontaneity - to surprise Daddy.

It’s a promising enough setup. In fact, it’s so promising that we’d already seen it done rather better in Under Siege 2. Still, originality aside, with a half decent script and cast, Derailed could have been a perfectly serviceable action film.

Instead, it displays all the defining traits of the euro thriller: poor direction, a leaden script, and a supporting cast seemingly assembled from the contents of a provincial drama school’s lost and found. Any one of these might have sunk the film. Derailed manages the impressive feat of having all three.

Another familiar irritation is the writers’ bizarre grasp of European geopolitics. In their universe, European nations appear to have abandoned national government entirely, outsourcing all decision making to international bodies.

“Get me NATO command!” someone barks, in a truly risible moment of faux urgency. Later, another character breathlessly insists, “We need to call the World Health Organisation… now!”

The writers seem blissfully unaware that Europe is made up of individual countries with their own governments - though, to be fair, Van Damme’s native Belgium once went nearly two years without one. Still, most nations don’t immediately ring NATO every time a problem arises on a train.

While the scriptwriters are happy to take wild political liberties, they’re far less adventurous when it comes to DTV action conventions - and so, dutifully, a helicopter explosion is included.

The terrorists’ escape plan involves being airlifted from the moving train by helicopter. As their leader attempts to shimmy up a rope ladder dangling from the chopper, Van Damme intervenes by securing the ladder to the train, preventing the helicopter from gaining altitude.

A tunnel looms. The pilot wrestles desperately with the controls, but it’s no use. The helicopter smashes into the rocky outcrop at tunnel height, with the inevitable fiery consequences.

Artistic merit

This report card reads: could have tried harder.

Through a bit of crafty editing, we never actually see the helicopter explode - presumably because that would have cost money. Instead, we’re treated to an underwhelming fireball, heavy on whites and yellows, and sorely lacking the oily reds and oranges we crave.

In a moment of artistic licence, the director showers Van Damme - still clinging to the train roof - with falling wreckage from the explosion. If you stop to consider the physics of this (and trust me, I have), it makes absolutely no sense.

Exploding helicopter innovation

Tying a helicopter down to prevent take off is a method we’ve seen before. Derailed plays almost like an action replay of Darkman, except this time it’s a train - rather than a lorry - dragging the chopper towards its tunnel wall demise.

Positives

There’s a dumbly enjoyable sequence where Van Damme rides a scramble bike along the roof of the train to evade the terrorists. It’s shoddily executed, but at least it gestures vaguely towards the kind of nonsense we’re here for.

Negatives

The entire film, which surely represents the nadir of Van Damme’s career. If he’s made a worse one, I’d genuinely like to know - if only so I can be absolutely certain to avoid it.

Favourite quote

“Terrorists, plus sickness, equals biological warfare.”

Interesting fact

Tellingly, director Bob Misiorowski never helmed another film after Derailed. However, buried within his otherwise unremarkable CV is one curious detail: a writing credit on Mrs Columbo.

This short lived and ill fated spin off committed the ultimate sacrilege of actually showing Mrs Columbo - a character famously never seen in the original series. The reaction from fans was swift and apoplectic. The show was hastily rebranded Kate Loves a Mystery, all references to Columbo were excised, and it died an unlamented death after a single series. Much like Derailed.

Review by: Jafo

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

In the all-boys school of action cinema Milla Jovovich will always be the Prom Queen.

Her sanctified position in the minds of teenage boys - and *cough* some men who really are old enough to know better - a consequence of the shortage of ass-kicking heroines.

This, the second in the Resident Evil franchise, was probably intended to be her coronation. Unfortunately, the crown is nearly stolen from her with the introduction of Jill Valentine played by Sienna Guillory.

So, while Guillory is coolly ass-kicking zombies in a mini-skirt and neon blue boob tube – searing herself into the impressionable minds of male viewers – Jovovich spends the first act wandering around ineffectually in a shapeless bed sheet. Later, it gets worse as Jovovich is required to run round in a dirty string-vest, looking like a female Rab C Nesbitt – if you can conjure such an image.

One wonders if such sacrilege would have been allowed had franchise honcho, and Jovovich’s husband, Paul WS Anderson been on directorial duties again. However, he was off directing his ‘dream’ project Alien Vs Predator. Yes, that’s right ‘dream’. Well, at least someone enjoyed it.

Anyway, let’s put these feminine rivalries aside for a moment. The plot - such as it is - is commendably simple. Resident Evil: Apocalypse picks up directly from where the first film finished, when a group of hapless, unarmed scientists simply release the zombies from the underground bunker where they were neatly incarcerated.

Mind-boggling idiocy this may be, but it does at least get the film going. The liberated zombies soon overrun Raccoon City, which is sealed off ahead of a nuclear strike which will, in delicious diplomatic double-speak, “contain” the situation.

This leaves Jovovich, Guillory and company, to fight their way across the city to rendezvous with the last evacuation flight. Once away from the city, they aim to expose the Umbrella Corporation’s disastrous T-virus experiments.

Now, I’ve not mentioned Nemesis - a kind of super zombie - until this point. And that’s because I’m not entirely sure how he fits into all this. He’s been ordered to kill Jovovich, only it’s complicated by the fact he was her friend before he got turned into a lumbering, mutated member of the undead.

Anyway, our heroes and Nemesis wind up on top of a building for the inevitable showdown. It looks like curtains for Jovovich when a couple of Umbrella choppers fly in to finish everyone off.

But with wearying predictability Nemesis ‘remembers‘ Jovovich and, rather than try to kill her, bazookas one of the helicopters. It explodes, causing the other helicopter to detonate as well.

Artistic merit

Above average. The method of destruction is unimaginative, and the reason the second helicopter ignites is unclear. However, an impressive amount of wreckage hurls itself towards the camera and our heroes - conveniently killing off Nemesis whose usefulness to the plot has now ended.


Exploding helicopter innovation

First known destruction of a helicopter by a genetically mutated zombie?

Positives

Sienna Guillory is returning to the franchise - this time in a red boob tube - in Resident Evil: Retribution, set for release in September. I’m in the queue already.

Negatives

In the film’s epilogue, it looks like we might get to see a third chopper fireball when the nuclear strike on Raccoon City causes the helicopter, which Jovovich and friends are escaping in, to crash.

But with one eye clearly set on franchise sustaining possibilities, the helicopter isn’t allowed to explode as everyone needs to survive.

Interesting fact

In the audio commentary for Resident Evil, Jovovich tells Anderson that it was only her “commitment” to the role and the film which meant she was prepared to allow one of her nipples to be seen onscreen.

Anderson challenges her, saying if she was really “committed” to the role she’d have allowed both to be shown.

Now, I don’t think I’ve ever been under any illusions as to how cynically these films attempt to manipulate the baser instincts of their audiences, but when Jovovich displays her *ahem* full commitment to Resident Evil: Apocalypse, I couldn’t help feeling just a little bit dirty and used.

Review by: Jafo

Still want more? Then listen to the Exploding Helicopter podcast episode about Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Listen on iTunes, Acast, Spotify, Stitcher or wherever you get your shows.

The Sentinel

Michael Douglas plays Pete Garrison, a been-there-done-that Secret Service veteran who once ‘took a bullet’ for Reagan.

He’s now tasked with protecting President Ballatine (David Rasche) from a multitude of nutcases who see the US president as the Great Satan.

Despite being, in real life, a recovering sex addict – literally hundreds of women have apparently been traumatised by the nightmarish sight of his jowly, slightly dead-eyed features grimacing at the moment of release – Douglas still insists all his films must include gratuitous rumpy scenes.

And so, naturally, his character ends up having an affair with the First Lady (Kim Basinger). Well, he is part of the President’s close protection team. Anyway, this leads to a compromised Douglas being manipulated and framed for an assassination attempt by an ex-KGB ‘mole’ within the Secret Service.

The guardian now becomes the quarry, as Douglas tries to prove his innocence by finding the rogue agent while being pursued by squinty-eyed protégé David Breckinridge (Kiefer Sutherland). To add an extra frisson to proceedings, Sutherland is letting a personal beef cloud his judgement.

What might that be, you ask? Well, I was as surprised as you’ll no doubt be to learn that, not content with dipping his wick in the White House, Shagger Mike’s been boffing Sutherland’s wife as well. Chances are he’s also slipped one to the wife of the mole trying to frame him, but sadly the film doesn’t include that plot strand.

Indeed, in what is a deeply implausible film, by far the greatest stretch of imagination is being asked to believe that Pensioner Mike – with his pot belly and legs so bony dogs would try to bury him if he wore shorts – is a human shag-magnet.

Director Clark Johnson has impeccable small screen credentials, having been at the helm on Homicide, The Shield and The Wire, but is sadly let down by a script with more holes then a slice of Emmental.

No amount of obtuse camera angles and kinetic direction can hide the confused plot (Sutherland is supposed to hate Douglas but just suddenly forgets that and becomes his best friend again), implausible behaviour (immediately after the President has been attacked by machine-gun welding maniacs, the First Lady strolls innocently into the middle of the shoot-out and is captured) and poorly fleshed-out characters (Eva Longoria’s rookie Jill Marin could have been played with equal gusto by a Topshop mannequin. But, presumably, Big Mike would still have shagged it.).

Despite passable performances by Douglas and Sutherland, the film is a major disappointment. When the mole is uncovered, the results are as thrilling as a rainy weekend in Margate. Think of it as a poor man’s The Fugitive meets an equally poverty stricken episode of 24.

Here at EHHQ we have reviewed many turkeys which have been redeemed - at least in part - by a decent helicopter explosion.  Here we’re given a double kick in the balls: an underwhelming film combined with a lacklustre chopper fireball.

So what happens? El Presidente flies to Camp David to press the flesh with foreign dignitaries, arriving stylishly in Presidential chopper - a huge VH-3D Sea King, which is excitingly named Marine One.

As it leaves Camp David, we see a panoramic shot of the helicopter in the distance. Then, without any warning or preamble, a missile snakes up from the tree line and hits it.

It appears to explode in slow motion and break into two. We don’t see anything but the briefest of close-ups and we do not see the wreckage hit the floor. The whole thing is over in a flash.

Artistic merit

This is a spectacularly poor effort with a bodged, distant, explosion rendered in disappointingly obvious CGI. The confusing preamble only serves to make the scene feel like it was stitched into the movie at the wrong point.

Exploding helicopter innovation

We’re struggling to see any in this one.  We’ve seen Marine One destroyed before in Independence Day. I think we’ll consider this particular explosion an ‘unnovation’.

Do passengers survive?

We don’t know for sure, but seeing as no major characters were onboard, no doubt everyone died a fiery and unpleasant death.

Positives

Without doubt, Michael Douglas has the finest head of hair in the Secret Service. Period.

Negatives

It feels as if a key scene was cut out in the build-up to the downing of Marine One. Perhaps it was a misguided attempt to make explosion have more of an impact on the audience. Unfortunately, the lack of exposition only adds to the general confusion and half-arsed nature of the story.

Favourite quote

David Breckinridge: “Pete Garrison was my best friend. Until he slept with my wife.”

Interesting fact

Apparently George Nolfi’s script had done the rounds in Hollywood for quite some time before being green lit and distributed in 2006. This might go some way to explaining the use of Russian baddies. Sooooooo 80’s.

Review by: Neon Messiah