Wednesday 4 January 2012

Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

The shape-shifting robots and their human sidekicks are back in this overblown, empty-headed, dogs dinner of a sequel. Once again, the Autobots are fighting the Decepticons to protect Witwicky who has accidentally acquired ancient secrets, after touching a shard of the destroyed Allspark, that are key to the survival of the human race and harvesting the sun qtyroihafosihdfaifhdrty3454563....... 

Oh, forget it. It’s easier to type randomly on a keyboard than try and explain the plot. Then again, that might be just how this atrocious script was written. 

If you thought the first film was bad, you underestimate the turd producing qualities of director Michael Bay. Here, the creator of ‘Bayhem’ manages the seemingly impossible feat of dumbing down one of the dumbest films ever made. 

In the place of a coherent plot and genuine drama we have slow motion, lens flare, and an epilepsy-inducing editing style. The attempts at comedy are incredibly lame, and the introduction of two wisecracking Autobots reach Jah Jah Binks levels of misjudgement. Not even the copious and frequent flashes of Megan Fox’s cleavage can salvage this mess. 

Yet, despite an almost universal critical panning, the film made $836 million worldwide, and spawned another sequel. Bay is even in final negotiations to make a fourth. You idiots get the films you deserve.

Why do we put ourselves through the torture of watching this garbage? Exploding helicopters of course, and at least Bay has the good sense to include four.

The first fireball involves the Decepticon Demolisher, a huge construction vehicle that is uncovered in Shanghai. The military attempt to take him down using two Sikorsky Blackhawks. Demolisher manages to catch one of the helicopters by the tail. He breaks it in two and flips it out of camera shot.

The second and third choppers go down in quick succession. During a fight with the Decepticons in the deserts of Petra, we see two damaged choppers crash through palm trees into the desert sands. There is not much of a fireball, but the rotor blades hack nicely into the sand as they grind to a burning halt.

The last chopper is destroyed so quickly that if you blink you could miss it. Decepticon leader The Fallen, has clambered on top of a huge pyramid that contains a Sun Harvester (don't ask) and uses his telekinetic abilities to attract all the tanks and planes to him. Amongst the collection of vehicles that smash against the pyramid is a Sikorsky Blackhawk that slams against the side of the structure and bursts into flame.

Artistic merit

For most directors, the inclusion of a chopper fireball is a set piece to be lingered over. The denouement to an adrenaline fuelled action sequence. To Bay, they are nothing more an afterthought. Something he gives no more thought to, than adding a couple of pretty girls to a crowd scene.
Two of the chopper fireballs happen in a flash with the minimum of fuss or the chance for the viewer to linger over the wreckage. The action is just so busy the explosions become redundant.

Exploding helicopter innovation

First known use of telekinesis to destroy a chopper? To be honest if you haven’t seen a giant robot smash up a helicopter you haven't watched the first film.

No of exploding helicopters


Do passengers survive?

In the double helicopter explosion in the Egyptian desert all four passengers emerge virtually unscathed from the downed Blackhawks despite crashing into the ground from a great height. Sand is very helicopter friendly apparently.


Megan Fox has a nice ass.


If the Transformers are supposed to live unobtrusively amongst us as cars, planes and washing machines they spend a remarkable amount of time casually strolling about in their shiny 30ft high finery loudly fighting each other and blowing things up.

Favourite quotes

"We got lost. We tried to get bigger. It's what happens to sequels. It's like, how do you top the first one? You've got to go bigger. Michael Bay went so big that it became too big." Shia LaBeouf

"The real fault with Transformers 2 is that it ran into a mystical world. When I look back at it, that was crap." Michael Bay

Interesting fact

The writing team of Rovert Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Ehren Kruger were paid $8million dollars to come up with this convoluted boloney. Probably the biggest waste of money since producers shot £75 million making the Affleck-Lopez disaster Gigli.

Review by: Neon Messiah

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